Monday, August 08, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Played a game of "how much shit can I knock of the shelves at Target"
2. Tried to order an M&M Blizzard with cookie dough at Starbucks
3. Had a dream I owned the yacht from Jay-Z's video...woke up in a bathtub
4. Also, in the same dream, I dreamt I was making out with Beyonce...woke up in the bathtub rubbing a loofah
5. Ate silly putty out of pure boredom
6. Shat out silly putty...renamed it shitty putty
7. TiVo'd the 2005 Miss USA contest...I now have plans for the entire weekend
8. Ran into a girl I went to high school with and literally said out loud, "hey...(slight pause) I have no clue what your name is."...smooth
9. Ran up and down my hallway yelling "Ready or I come!"
10. Invented "Lucky Golden Smacks"...combining the fluffy marshmellows from lucky charms, and the crispy crunch of golden grahms with the added feature of Smacks' cereal making your urine smell quite odd..."all together 9 of 10 tastebuds say it's brilliant"

Fart Flavor of the Day: Grilled Styrofoam on a Sesame Seed Bun
80's Name of the Day: Speaks with Teddy Ruxpin


Blogger Blondie said...

You make me smile. *claps*

August 08, 2005 9:36 PM  
Blogger ButterFly said...


80's name:
"wave" with neon scrunchie

August 08, 2005 9:43 PM  
Blogger Michaela said...

Add to your list
11. Decided to shorten word 'graham' to grahm

who likes raw styrofoam anyways?

August 08, 2005 9:44 PM  
Blogger ~Tonia~ said...

Just love your posts. My Husband has done cheerieos (sp?), frosted flakes and coco puffs before. Must be a man thing.

Can a Man help a Mother out? I have a poll going on which Halloween costume to get my son. If you could stop by and put in your vote I would greatly appreciate it.

Everyone is welcome to come by and vote. Just click on my "blue" name above this post.


August 08, 2005 10:00 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Hey Brian,
What was your Target-wrecking record? I demolished an aisle and a half in 2.4 minutes, during my visit a few weeks ago.
P.S. My name would be Smacks with Slap Bracelet.... or maybe Talks With Ewoks.

August 08, 2005 10:11 PM  
Blogger the captain said...

Eighties Indian name? Jaime Escalante with Wolves. I owe you 4 bucks

August 08, 2005 10:46 PM  
Blogger Camy Leon said...

I would fucking kill you if you knocked shit down at my job. You're soo lucky you're funny, or I would totally hunt you down.

August 08, 2005 10:49 PM  
Blogger FU said...

never thought i'd ask anyone this in my lifetime, but... what did the farts preceding the shitty putty smell like?

How's this for an 80's name:
YoYo who wakes you up before you go-go

August 08, 2005 10:59 PM  
Blogger Duane said...

Found your blog earlier. I came back and glad I did. You crack me up.

fu, whadaya mean what did the shitty putty farts smell like. They smelled like shit of course!

August 08, 2005 11:20 PM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

I like to play the game, "How much shit can I defecate ONTO the shelves at Target." Funny though, no one ever wants to play WITH me.

Yeah, I often scream, "Ready, or not, here I cum."

I know you're from Chi-town, Bri...have you been to Cereality yet? You can create all sorts of fun breakfast feasts there. It's so great.

God, what I would give to lick Beyonce's ass just once! I'd even let Jay-Z watch.

August 08, 2005 11:54 PM  
Blogger Zainey said...

Sounds like an awsomely productive day!! Congrats!!

August 09, 2005 1:36 AM  
Blogger Friends of McDougal said...

I was hoping for something different.

August 09, 2005 5:14 AM  
Blogger charlie said...

my 80's name today is:

honeysmack applejack

August 09, 2005 5:59 AM  
Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I played a game at Target once. Try my cart game when you can: sit in a shopping cart and say to passers-by, "Push Me?". Everybody wins at Push Me!

--Speaks With Teddy Ruxpin

August 09, 2005 6:02 AM  
Blogger Uncle Gekko said...

Two questions:

Does shitty putty bounce as well as silly putty?

Can I still copy the Sunday comics with shitty putty?

August 09, 2005 6:10 AM  
Blogger LB said...

I'm am putting your link in today. You are totally sick and I love it. Am adding you to a very short list of favorites.

My indian name: Walks in jellies

August 09, 2005 6:20 AM  
Anonymous Wendy O said...

Good thing you didn't eat play dough man...that one would have been too easy, and you would have ended up with "Doo Doo Dough."

August 09, 2005 6:42 AM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

Im am still laughing thinking of the idiots at the starbucks I go to. The youl look so confused if you ordered that here!

August 09, 2005 7:26 AM  
Blogger Lisa Raps said...

so amusing!!!

August 09, 2005 7:46 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

this is awesome. i laughed so hard i almost peed.

August 09, 2005 8:03 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

p.s. i linked you

August 09, 2005 8:10 AM  
Blogger Joaline said...

Geez I nearly forgot about that stupid Teddy Ruxpin, why oh why must it torment me all over again?!!! Think I may feel this way in a few years about the tickle me elmo doll. Lord knows I already can't stand the talking Barney doll, think it is possessed goes off in the middle of the night !!! I am putting you in my link without a doubt, since you have brought comedic relief to a life of screaming children and bear attacks.

August 09, 2005 8:26 AM  
Blogger bryan said...

.....lucky, you have silly putty!

August 09, 2005 8:31 AM  
Blogger Lady Sappho said...

1. Can I play? Can I, huh, can I, can I, can I?
2. Those bastards didn't give it to ya, either, did they?
5. Eeeeewwwwwww!
6. Good thing, can you imagine that stuff coming out?
9. I wanna play that game, too.
10. Um, hm, uh, well, I think I'll pass on that breakfast delight. Thanx, anyway.

August 09, 2005 8:34 AM  
Blogger Wombat & Aspen said...

It's amazing how many people drink your kool-aid. AND you get them to link without linking to them - can I just call you Jim Jones Friday?

August 09, 2005 8:52 AM  
Anonymous Trumby said...

Greatness. I play the Target game all the time.

August 09, 2005 8:59 AM  
Blogger Des said...

Speaking of Teddy Ruxpin they are re-releasing him. *shudders*
My 80's name would be "Prances With My Little Pony"

August 09, 2005 9:20 AM  
Blogger Ron said...

Target wouldn't be a bad place to play that game, but I'd play more at Wal-Mart...just to spite the fuckers.

August 09, 2005 9:22 AM  
Blogger allison said...

Teddy Ruxpin raps to Ice -T........just put his tape in.its hilarious

August 09, 2005 9:31 AM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

Target chicks are hard to pick up because they are so damn uppity in their SUVs and fancy sedans. I prefer Wal-Mart because in that parking lot, whether prowling in my El Camino or rumbling through with my IROC-Z, I am a golden god and the sweaty, redneck women pine for my plums.

August 09, 2005 9:33 AM  
Blogger clew said...

To add to Allison's idea, we used to put Ozzy in Teddy Ruxpin. Ted rocks!!!

from Flies with The Greatest American Hero

August 09, 2005 9:48 AM  
Blogger Ron said...

80's name:

Just Says No

August 09, 2005 10:12 AM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

Saying maybe is so much more fun than saying no.

August 09, 2005 10:20 AM  
Blogger lookingbusy said...

I can't remember the names of anybody that I went to highschool with. I always just say.. Hey, whats up?

80's name:
Totally Bogus Dude!

August 09, 2005 11:20 AM  
Blogger Sherri said...

I have sooooooo been there with the name thing. I never remember anyone's name!! Just last week, seen a guy I hung out with all the time in high school, he comes up and hugs me. I had no clue what his name was! I always say "hey stranger!" and just drop it.

August 09, 2005 11:35 AM  
Blogger Nick said...

absolutely hilarious

August 09, 2005 11:52 AM  
Blogger cheapsunglasses said...

thought for the day:
"glamor shots for a man means they didn't catch you scratching in the picture"

August 09, 2005 12:30 PM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

My 80s name is LONG DUCK DONG.

August 09, 2005 1:04 PM  
Blogger K-ROCK said...

That shit is hilarious, but what is your stripper name?

August 09, 2005 1:30 PM  
Blogger Candee said...

Maybe I would use "Travels with TrapperKeeper"

August 09, 2005 1:35 PM  
Blogger Zepplinlady said...

8. My similar problem: a co-worker from my past often comes into my place of employment. Same story every time. I look him dead in the eye and say, " Hi, how ya doin'? " Smiling at him while thinking to myself, What is your FREAKIN' name?!

August 09, 2005 1:59 PM  
Blogger EZLifeStyles said...

Hey Brian - you are definitely in the wrong business, dude. Great for a party (and cute to boot!) Let me know when you get to the red carpet - you are going to be BIG man!

August 09, 2005 3:03 PM  
Blogger Rose-Colored Beer Goggles said...

Breakdances with (Siouxsie and the)Banshees...

August 09, 2005 3:30 PM  
Blogger The DWG said...

Funny stuff. I don't have cash, but could donate a Target gift card.

August 09, 2005 3:44 PM  
Blogger The Megan said...

Haha, funny stuff...

my 80's name would be Easy Bakes with My Little Pony

August 09, 2005 3:45 PM  
Blogger ~The Goofy Ass Chick said...

Try playing with the balls in the kid aisles and knocking out a ceiling tile for throwing it too high. You've never seen two chicks run so fast in opposite directions in all your life!

My 80's Name: For Tainted Love Call Jenny at 867-5309

August 09, 2005 3:57 PM  
Blogger PINKSandROSES said...

you never cease to make me laugh :)

August 09, 2005 4:15 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

Those are my two favourite cereals! I love them. They're not sold in NZ :,(

Didn't the loofah hurt?

August 09, 2005 4:51 PM  
Blogger Los said...

Good stuff as always!

My 80's name would be "Acid Washed Monchichi.

August 09, 2005 5:23 PM  
Blogger blogglegum said...

Pogos on Balls

August 09, 2005 5:25 PM  
Blogger Kristine said...

Do you actually read these?

August 09, 2005 5:28 PM  
Blogger mofo said...

80's name: Weird Al Monchichi

If this code comes out all wrong I really don't care.
If my 80's name sucks I don't care... because the 80's sucked hard.

August 09, 2005 5:35 PM  
Blogger N/A said...

OMG! Teddy Ruxpin! I forgot all about him! LOL!

August 09, 2005 6:14 PM  
Blogger Digitalicat said...

Kristine, I'm not so sure he does. Let's say mean things about him so he stays on his toes.

August 09, 2005 6:56 PM  
Blogger Michaela said...

Mofo, did you not get much action in the 80's?

August 09, 2005 9:25 PM  
Blogger cg-c said...

I play that Target game all the time - except I do it unintentionally. I completely embarrass anyone I'm with. It's fabulous.

August 09, 2005 9:45 PM  
Blogger isabel_archer said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

August 09, 2005 11:56 PM  
Blogger Doctor Who said...

I dig the site:)

August 10, 2005 2:08 AM  
Blogger BadGod said...

I think my 80's name would be--

Rocked Out To Krokus.

If anyone else remebers the band Krokus, HA! Loser! Oh wait a minute....

August 10, 2005 4:33 AM  
Blogger Monica said...

I graduated with 17 people, so I unfortunately know their first, middle and last names. Walks with jellies. That's funny.

Mmm ... Smacks and Coco Krispies.

August 10, 2005 8:59 AM  
Blogger Lydia said...


August 10, 2005 10:03 AM  
Blogger dive_goddess said...

I too play the Target game, but I do it quite by accident and usually fall on my face in the process...:)

Well my 80's name is pretty obvious...Travels with Rainbow...:) or Fights with Turtles...

August 10, 2005 11:46 AM  
Blogger monsterhack said...

80's name:
Sixteen My Candle're too late, I did the target shuffle the other day.

August 10, 2005 12:25 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Pretty funny stuff

August 10, 2005 12:52 PM  
Blogger Curious1 said...

How shitty is your putty again?

August 10, 2005 1:32 PM  
Blogger Christina Martin said...

The really scary thing is that the comments from readers get even scarier than the post!

I think it's just more about silly putty than I ever wanted to know.

August 10, 2005 1:35 PM  
Blogger Curious1 said...

C'mon Frodo be honest... Dude you don't even need an 80's name. Holla!!!

August 10, 2005 1:41 PM  
Blogger Adam said...

I want some of that cereal it sounds like shit but im hungry

August 10, 2005 3:02 PM  
Blogger Jane Doe said...

Thanks, I was feeling glum today. I nearly wet my pants laughing at this.

My 80's Name: JAMS with Members Only

August 10, 2005 3:46 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...

Maybe you should consider "capturing" your "emissions" in jars and selling them on ebay... it could happen.


August 10, 2005 4:04 PM  
Anonymous Bored in Canada said...

Best blog I've ever seen.

Can't stop coming back.

You're totally linked, bookmarked, and worshipped.

80's name: Huey Lewis Spews

August 10, 2005 5:45 PM  
Blogger The Everglades said...

I love to invent new flavors of cereal as well.


August 10, 2005 8:44 PM  
Blogger Wendebular said...

Brian, one word: genius!

However, I am somewhat surprised that nobody has mentioned the ThunderCats yet!


August 10, 2005 8:46 PM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

Capturing emissions doesn't really work. I've tried it. They eventually evaporate into a very unattractive crust-type thing.

August 11, 2005 1:51 AM  
Blogger deathangel4u said...

wow is all i can say u fucking loaded all day and i think i would kill myself if i was u for one minute so as my drugs kick in go jump off ur balcony save the bulit it did'nt do anything to you kisses

August 15, 2005 10:10 AM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

Dear Mr. Death,

Punctuation is hot.

Use it.

Even if your opinion is pointless, those little symbols will help you to convey your message much more clearly.

Or, maybe you enjoy being annoying.

August 15, 2005 1:24 PM  

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