Tuesday, July 19, 2005

The Highlights of My Day

1. Aggressively yelled at the kids playing Marco polo by the pool...Again
2. Pretty sure I overhead one of them call me a "fuckin ass clown"
3. Saw a lady with the longest ass known to man
4. Had vodka and popcorn for lunch
5. Sank your battleship
6. Realized the only thing keeping "nut-hugger" shorts from making a comeback was me
7. Inhaled paint fumes with the maintenance guys at my building
8. Asked for a Dick Burger at the Carl's Jr. drive-thru
9. Submitted a script for a sitcom whos characters are obsessed with game shows and try out for reality shows
10. Nominated Brother Dog for the worst mullet of the year award

Lie of the Day: That kid who keeps winning the hotdog eating contests, used to be a foreign exchange student in my high school


Blogger LCRocks said...

Ok, today's highlights were great. I can't pick a favorite one to comment on, but I like the phrase "fucking-ass-clown." I'm fond of calling people "nut huggers" and really found the little girl in the picture who likes corn on the cob funny. There's my piece.

July 19, 2005 1:28 PM  
Anonymous Jimmy Plates said...

The humor is back my friend

July 19, 2005 1:30 PM  
Blogger lookingbusy said...

I'm having vodka for dinner tonight, but not with popcorn. I'll have it with cereal tonight, I think.

July 19, 2005 1:43 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

Hey! You sunk my battleship!

Check out these nut huggers and mullets.

July 19, 2005 1:51 PM  
Blogger allison said...

unfortunately, the tight shorts never went out of style...at least in the "H.S Coach" world. Oh and just about every male in South Beach. Only difference is BIKE vs. Versace.

July 19, 2005 2:03 PM  
Blogger Spinfly said...

At least you drink the good vodka.

July 19, 2005 2:10 PM  
Blogger amanda said...

i love you

July 19, 2005 2:12 PM  
Blogger The Husband said...

wow, vodka with popcorn. i am going to see wedding crashers tonight...maybe i'll bring my flask.

July 19, 2005 2:12 PM  
Blogger dusty said...

why are you obsessed w/your farts and what they smell like?

July 19, 2005 2:12 PM  
Blogger FantasticAlice said...

Hell of a good day.

I usually have gin and popcorn... but to each their own.

July 19, 2005 2:13 PM  
Blogger mofo said...

I do hope that Dave Coulier is prominently involved one way or another with that script.

July 19, 2005 2:22 PM  
Blogger Honey said...

Saw a lady with the longest ass known to man
How does one go about having a "long" ass?!? I understand "fat" ass, "boney" ass, and "dumb" ass...but, "long" ass??? Any visual examples?

July 19, 2005 2:45 PM  
Blogger Lady Sappho said...

I must admit, the vodka and popcorn stands out for me, too. Maybe I'll join Carl at the movies and sip out of his flask.

Honey - the only thing I can think of as a visual for you is this. . . picture one REALLY BIG FAT ASS and then lose all the weight so it hangs down REAL low. Am I close, Immix?

July 19, 2005 2:54 PM  
Blogger Lee Ann said...

Goodness, you had a big day with vodka and paint fumes!

July 19, 2005 3:24 PM  
Blogger "the ONE and ONLY" said...

I didnt know there was such a thing as the "longest ass"?!!!

July 19, 2005 3:58 PM  
Blogger mstnguyen said...


July 19, 2005 4:17 PM  
Blogger Javiso said...

Ha the longest ass lady known to man! That made me laugh!

July 19, 2005 4:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't believe you use IE.

July 19, 2005 4:26 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

vodka and popcorn.....might have to try that as a new diet......i'll let you know how it works out.

July 19, 2005 5:04 PM  
Blogger N/A said...

My God...I just love your blog. It's the greatest. I've been just lurking for a while, but I decided to write because you never fail to put a smile on my face even on my worst days! Thanks so much!

July 19, 2005 5:08 PM  
Blogger Juliabohemian said...

did you get your dick burger?

July 19, 2005 6:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's so funny Juliabohemian. You have that sweet little girl photo, and the Christian Girl profile, and then you type "dick burger" with full knowledge that the dude did not mean Dick short for Richard, but was in fact referring to his manhood.

Rock on!

July 19, 2005 6:25 PM  
Blogger The Everglades said...

I believe free-balling is the real obstacle standing in the way of nut-huggers coming back--there'd be way too much hairy bubble gum and lumpy grape smuggling to account for in the absence of underwear.


July 19, 2005 6:27 PM  
Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Last week in rehab I saw people putting...get this...MILK on their f***ing cereal. Can you believe that shit?!? As if!!!

July 19, 2005 6:50 PM  
Blogger Sam said...

least the vodka wasnt with breakfast....

July 19, 2005 6:56 PM  
Blogger SemiMBA said...

"Saw a lady with the longest ass known to man"

Wow man, you need to post a picture of that! I agree with Jimmy - the humor is back

July 19, 2005 7:08 PM  
Blogger Yer Daddy said...

THE MAN is back. I was worried that my criticism somehow damaged you, but held out hope that it was really just gout or something keeping you down (hey, it's the disease of royalty)

Great job today. You know you are a pop culture icon when folks go through their day emulating you. Here are my less than worthy submissions.

1. Ate cereal for breakfast in homage to the B-man. It worked. You're back.

2. Partook of the greatest food indulgence known to man- chocolate chip cookie dough. I dare anybody to name one greater.

3. Didn't actually eat a booger, but nibbled it off my finger with my teeth so I could spit it.

4. Beat Allison in music quiz on a technicality.

I will stop here in deference to the Brian Monster.

July 19, 2005 7:21 PM  
Blogger Yer Daddy said...

Wait. I may have a winner:

Though rarely visited, my blog now has an official stalker. Eat your hearts out losers

July 19, 2005 7:23 PM  
Blogger Evan G. said...

yer daddy, your right about the cookie dough thing.

July 19, 2005 7:47 PM  
Blogger mlwhitt said...

If you can't lie about hotdog contest people who can you lie about?

July 19, 2005 8:22 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Hi Brian!
Thanks for the visit.
It was absolutely my pleasure to bring your "changeroom faux pas" to an end.... glad I could help. But, I must ask....have you ever been told to change in the middle of the store? Ah, maybe I'm the only one making such requests....
Anyways, if you ever need any other intriguing advice from a Canadian neighbour, you know who to turn to!
P.S. Sorry man, but nobody can sink my battleship.

July 19, 2005 8:57 PM  
Blogger JulieB said...

I've been eating popcorn & wine coolers. The bottle actually says "flavored beer." Is this some sort of scam afoot?

July 19, 2005 8:59 PM  
Blogger Alex said...

You're a fucking ass clown!


July 19, 2005 9:09 PM  
Blogger Game Wizard said...


Go to sign up for neopets!

Neopets a website where you create your own pet and take care of it.

You can train it to battle against other peoples pets.

You can open your own shop and stock it with items for others to buy!

You can play games that they have there for more money to take care of your neopet or buy items for your shop!

You can also go into the stock market and buy stocks in the many industries available there. I have gotten lots of money by working the stock market!

Another great feature is you can go on quests for items of great worth and power!

This is a great website to go to so try it out!


July 19, 2005 9:12 PM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

Vodka is my favourite between meal snack. Between breakfast and lunch and then again between lunch and dinner. I also enjoy it WITH my lunch. And it goes great with dinner. It's particularly good with orange juice in the morning. And Absolut Vanilia makes for a great dessert. Vodka is just a great all around food choice. So much so, that I've given it the top slot on my food pyramid. I'm glad to hear that others are enjoying it as part of their daily meal plan. Gooooooooo Vodka!!

Free-ballin' is always an exciting surprise. I, myself, am fond of a day of free-muffin' it from time to time. Though, I'm usually wearing a garter-belt and stockings whilst doing so. Which are better than nut huggers anyday.

Kate, your link...hilarious. Kiwi accents turn me on.

July 19, 2005 9:45 PM  
Blogger karma said...

err thats fucked up

July 20, 2005 12:46 AM  
Blogger Brandi The Great said...

wow...I've never read anything you wrote, but I think we would really get along. I actually got yelled at today by kids playing some sort of sword fighting in my yard.

July 20, 2005 2:06 AM  
Blogger Zepplinlady said...

Hi Brian & fellow fans of 1 of the most entertaining sites around. I raise my glass of wine to you with an explanation of "the lady w/the longest ass."
Picture this:

A place to set not only your drink on but any and all of your snacks.(like a portable card table) How's that?

July 20, 2005 2:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your day sucks! But not as bad as mine.

July 20, 2005 5:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


July 20, 2005 5:47 AM  
Blogger Ron said...

I had a guy come in the store I work at the other day with THE BEST "worst" mullet I've ever seen in my life. Barely a hair on the top of this guys' head, but long as hell and almost brillo-like in the back. He kepting running his fingers through it as if it were the last time he'd ever get to touch it. He must have used 26 gallons of Aqua Net to keep it intact.

July 20, 2005 6:24 AM  
Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Mullets are so ... mmm ... yummmmmm

Long Live the Mullet!

July 20, 2005 6:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So funny. I love to come here and check it out for a daily laugh. I've never read anything as funny as your blog. It makes me laugh all by myself and I feel like a "fucking ass clown" for doing it!!! Thanks B!!

July 20, 2005 6:52 AM  
Blogger Yer Daddy said...

LAME WHIZZER: I mean GAME WIZARD. Quit pimping the geek station. It smacks of desperation.

July 20, 2005 6:56 AM  
Blogger neeraja said...

well, your day seems to have been infinitely better than mine.

July 20, 2005 7:34 AM  
Blogger melissa said...

Did you shake a stick at the kids too?

Ahhh paint fumes - just as good as white out.

July 20, 2005 7:37 AM  
Blogger Johnny Menace said...

worst mullet? that's the best mullet being sported.

July 20, 2005 8:01 AM  
Blogger Just Me said...

I thought all mullets should be voted for the worst (sorry mullet lovers... my hubby included)

July 20, 2005 8:44 AM  
Blogger Johnny Menace said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

July 20, 2005 8:52 AM  
Blogger Gates said...

DickBurger huh? Sure didn't need any cream over it...

July 20, 2005 9:39 AM  
Blogger Sherri said...

Next time show up at the pool in your thong from Victoria's Secret. I know I would love to hear the comment on that one.

July 20, 2005 9:41 AM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

I'll show you a mullet, bitches, and you'll love it. Run your fingers through my hair and find all the spider nests. Nothing says, "I'm the God of Sex," like a freshly fluffed mullet.

July 20, 2005 10:22 AM  
Blogger Little Miss said...

Ryan, is that you?

July 20, 2005 10:30 AM  
Blogger allison said...

Fredo- I've missed you where have you been??

July 20, 2005 11:22 AM  
Blogger Carlos Coppini said...

just freakin' hillarious!

July 20, 2005 12:00 PM  
Blogger austinizer said...

I think you shoulda taken a moment to make a sex tape with Colin Farrell and release it on the net...but...you're a busy man.

July 20, 2005 12:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A Sex Tape W/ Colin! NOW THATS HOT!

July 20, 2005 1:10 PM  
Blogger jiggs said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

July 20, 2005 1:20 PM  
Blogger jiggs said...

I already submitted a script for a sitcom whos characters are obsessed with reality shows and try out for game shows

July 20, 2005 1:47 PM  
Blogger monsterhack said...

funny as...

July 20, 2005 2:02 PM  
Blogger Lake Allison said...

OMG!!!!!! I love corn on the cob!!!!!!!

July 20, 2005 2:37 PM  
Blogger blogglegum said...

I had toffee-flavored popcorn for lunch. I needed a lot of vodka to think that shit tasted good.

July 20, 2005 2:42 PM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

Allison -

I've actually been in San Antonio getting some plastic surgery done so I can look like the lead singer of Stryper, Michael Sweet. But don't worry, my love for you remains.

Teabaggin 24/7 -


July 20, 2005 2:45 PM  
Blogger ~*Bettie said...

Hey daddy-
Ostis Spunkmyer cookie dough. A CASE of it.

I win.

And you wanna talk about stakers? we'll talk about stalkers. . . check this out. Its an old blog I can't erase. . .

Bryan, I want your body. If you'll be my ass clown, I'll be your twatwaffle. . .

July 20, 2005 3:25 PM  
Blogger ~*Bettie said...


July 20, 2005 4:42 PM  
Blogger Burt Beanley said...

funny stuff , enjoy your site.

July 20, 2005 6:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Vodka and Popcorn"? Mixed together in a bowl like breakfast cereal??

NOW you're on to something. That could be the new slacker breakfast: N.S.B.

July 20, 2005 7:13 PM  
Blogger R2K said...

Lol actually I prefer corn off the cob, I like to cut by hand and then eat it all at once. That way you kinda invest time and effort, sometimes sweat, tears, even blood, and then enjoy it later.


July 20, 2005 7:43 PM  
Blogger Who Me? Yes You! said...

"3. Saw a lady with the longest ass known to man"

OK - That is hilarious...

July 20, 2005 9:22 PM  
Blogger somewaterytart said...

I ate a Dick's burger once, with tartar sauce, and had indigestion for about twelve hours. Disgusting. I think it's probably illegal to say that in Seattle.

July 20, 2005 10:11 PM  
Blogger Techbert said...

Nice to read your blog after a morale sapping day. I ate nothing for lunch. May be, that has something to do.

July 21, 2005 4:04 AM  
Blogger 1 said...

You shouldn't fuck ass while you are inside a pool...makes you look like a clown.

July 21, 2005 6:33 AM  
Blogger PINKSandROSES said...

vodka and popcorn is the best. It's usually what i eat when i go on diets. It's very fat free. Probably not good for you, but who cares? I'm losing weight and feeling good!

July 21, 2005 9:04 AM  
Blogger merikeyrock said...


July 21, 2005 7:58 PM  
Blogger moosh said...

Vodka and popcorn for lunch?? that does not seem too nutitional. i think tomorrow you should try a salad.

July 22, 2005 10:06 PM  
Blogger grkdivva said...

ass clown ->defi. one of my favorites!!!

July 28, 2005 8:41 PM  
Blogger Truth said...

Wanna be my boyfriend??
I KNOW what a long ass is...and I have seen a few too many!
I have to show this to my friends!
"Ass-Clown" is my term of the month!
Can you tell how excited I am??

August 03, 2005 6:21 PM  

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