Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Considered what bunk beds would do for my sex life
2. Tried to join the local Elk's Club
3. Realized the only thing more fucked up than playing paintball on acid is ballroom dancing on ecstasy
4. Entertained myself by filling out Mad Libs with dirty words
5. Dreamt I played Wesley on Mr. Belvedere
6. Self-proclaimed that I am an expert in pressure points
7. Got over my jealously of kids who's parents bought them Powerwheels when I was little
8. My new entrance music for entering work, restaurants, malls, or my apartment, will be the sound effect from "A Current Affair"
9. Tried to dip milk in a glass of Oreos
10. Finally understand why anything multiplied by 0 ='s 0

Lie of the Day: My uncles are Ben and Jerry

86 Comments:

Blogger Kim said...

I'm still bitter I didn't get a Cabbage Patch doll when I was little. My parents must have hated me.

July 21, 2005 9:12 AM  
Blogger R2K said...

:O) I had one, used it as a test pilot for my experiments.

I dont have it anymore.

July 21, 2005 9:15 AM  
Blogger Kim Plaintive said...

What's up with the lack of comments today?

July 21, 2005 9:41 AM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

I had a Bardie power wheels Jeep, But i tipped it over three times and my mom took it away.

July 21, 2005 9:42 AM  
Blogger immixmarketer said...

Kim: Your parents did hate you.
Alex: I'm fighting hard to not get jealous.
Kim P.: It's still early

Note to self: Never accept a ride from Tiffany if she shows up in a Barbie Power Wheel

July 21, 2005 9:49 AM  
Blogger Willow said...

my best friend back in middle school and high school had a mad lib program on her computer way back when no one but schools and NASA had computers...

we used dirty words too - which really isn't a confession, I'm sure everyone did.

I'm just not sure anyone else saved them for over 10+ years....

July 21, 2005 10:07 AM  
Blogger austinizer said...

I didn't have toys growing up. I did have a pet rat that we caught in the back yard. Flushed him down the toilet...he came back as that crippled ninja instructor in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

July 21, 2005 10:10 AM  
Blogger mofo said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

July 21, 2005 10:16 AM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

Damn, I was going to ask you out, my mom just gave me the Barbie Jeep back.

July 21, 2005 10:17 AM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

First off, my man jugs are the sole property of Ben and Jerry and that fucking Chunky Monkey ice cream. Second, my sister received a Daisy Duke Big Wheel for Christmas once and I was grossly bitter, especially since my parents gave me a red Schwin with a banana seat. I'm suprised I'm not tappin' pool cues for riding a bike like that for five years.

July 21, 2005 10:20 AM  
Blogger Curious1 said...

definetly feelin the current affairs joke...

July 21, 2005 10:20 AM  
Anonymous UNFJoel said...

Power Wheels? Man, that's what the rich kids got! Me, I got a cardboard box that my dad kicked down a hill while I was still in it... then he ran away...

July 21, 2005 10:21 AM  
Blogger mofo said...

bunk beds multipled by no sex still equals no sex. I thought you said you finally understood that?!

July 21, 2005 10:22 AM  
Blogger Nikki said...

Do you remember the "very special episode" when Wesley went away to camp and the camp counselor tried to molest him?

Those were the days, when the showed you how bad pedophiles REALLY are on your favorite Friday night sitcom. Or was that Wednesday?

July 21, 2005 10:36 AM  
Blogger David said...

WTF is a Bardie?

I never did have a Stretch Armstrong..... ooops... showed my age...

...and I want my Six Million Dollar Man lunchbox back!

July 21, 2005 11:04 AM  
Blogger J. Hi said...

I never got my Twister game when I was little! But I have it now. :) Wonder if you could play it on bunk beds.

July 21, 2005 11:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am going to crack up about the Current Affair sound all day.

July 21, 2005 11:36 AM  
Blogger Blondie said...

i, for one, am STILL pissed about the lack of powerwheels in my childhood. fuck that.

July 21, 2005 11:41 AM  
Blogger immixmarketer said...

Playing Twister on bunk beds sounds a lot like an orgy I once took part in.
In fact, I think that is how it started.

July 21, 2005 11:44 AM  
Blogger Just Me said...

Never had powerwheels, but I did have a big wheel, my friend stole it and rode out into traffic and got hit. Broke her legs and her arms, serves her right for stealing it!

July 21, 2005 11:58 AM  
Blogger NJJ said...

I just found your blog! I LOVE IT!. Thanks for sharing your humor. It provides some much needed comic relief during my work-day.
FeEl free to check out my blog.
http://www.notatebene.blogspot.com/ I'm new to this and still trying to "find my way" so-to-speak.
Look forward to reading more of your HIGHLIGHTS!

July 21, 2005 12:10 PM  
Blogger The Husband said...

ecstasy...great stuff. mad libs make for great fun on road trips. unlike tiffany, my parents gave me a big wheels...which was handed down from my brother. as the youngest sibling pretty much everything i had was handed down. the worst was when my mom got my brother and i bat man and robin cosutumes for halloween. sad...real sad.

July 21, 2005 12:24 PM  
Blogger Yer Daddy said...

What a bunch of pups. Here's the downreal:

-All electric/battery operated/motorized toys suck. This does not include mini-bikes with lawn mower engines, unless they have brakes, which renders them sucky also
-All toys that everybody else had suck.
-Teabag WAS cool, just lost that status because Shwinn's with banana seats have ALWAYS ROCKED. You are now a wanker and it is a long road back.

Incidentally. I never had any toys at all, just a bag of weed and the liquor cabinet. I turned out fine. Can't you tell?

July 21, 2005 12:32 PM  
Blogger austinizer said...

speaking of big wheels, lance armstrong is a big pussy. i will cheer for that bike rider when he wins the tour de france on a big wheel...or one of those old-timey bikes with the huge front wheel and the iddy-bitty back one. that would take some skill.

July 21, 2005 12:32 PM  
Blogger Yer Daddy said...

I almost forgot, my second cousin, Harold, made up the slogan:

"Pork- the other white meat."

I am soooooo yer daddy!

July 21, 2005 12:35 PM  
Blogger Perdita said...

I got a job just so I could buy all the things I never got as a kid.

Who knew they still made Snoopy Snow Cone machines?

July 21, 2005 1:01 PM  
Blogger The Husband said...

teresa naomi...you are smokin'.

July 21, 2005 1:22 PM  
Blogger Sublime said...

In an attempt to take advantage of the lack of comments for this last post of yours (in hopes you might see and pay attention to mine), I invite you to come over to my new blog and answer a few questions. It's called, "The Big Question" with a new one posted each day.

Be there or be square:
http://bigquestion2day.blogspot.com

-Sublime

July 21, 2005 1:29 PM  
Blogger Yer Daddy said...

Dear Richie Bitches; Porn Star, AKA Brian-

Your new photo needs help. Here are my observations in no particular order:

1. Your old photo at least had character and a bit of mystery with the hand concealing partially.

2. It looks like the new one was taken by you with your arms extended out. Never do this again.

3. Have some kind of interesting background, preferably outdoors. City streets or mountains or ocean or trees are all good back drops. You are in Chicago for crying out loud. It is a world class city. How about Big Street (Michigan Avenue for the uninformed) with maybe the historic Water Tower, or Oak Street Beach, Wrigley, Navy Pier, Lake Shore Drive (ever notice the initials; LSD? I have. I did something about it, too). Anything but a white sheet in your apartment. Please.

4. No more head shots. Let's have waist up, or even full length, dressed out for it, casual, pimpin', shirt and tie, doesn't matter, but do something with it. Say something with it.

These are good for starters. Now enough with the fucking hayseed, bushleague antics. Yer the man. Act like it.

July 21, 2005 1:33 PM  
Blogger Yer Daddy said...

PS You don't want to end up like freebaggins do ya? Well? Do ya?

July 21, 2005 1:36 PM  
Blogger Jolie Lover said...

I've never been able to dip the milk into the glass of oreos myself. How did that go for you? LOL!

July 21, 2005 1:40 PM  
Blogger Los said...

I got upset when the 'rents didn't get me a green machine for Christmas. It was like a big wheel, but it had balls, BALLS I TELL YOU!!!!!!!

July 21, 2005 1:50 PM  
Blogger Zonnestraaltje said...

Hey, my cousin Doug had a green machine! He let me ride it once. He may still have it. Want me to beat him up for it and send it to you????

July 21, 2005 1:59 PM  
Blogger Curious1 said...

Yeah dude that new photo is lame...

July 21, 2005 1:59 PM  
Blogger Honey said...

Thank God I'm not the only one who feels the appropriate adjective is "throbbing" and the best noun is "dildo"!!! I love dirty Mad Libs!

July 21, 2005 2:00 PM  
Blogger Curious1 said...

Yo fredo teabaggins Fro rocks!!! Fro teabaggins!!!! Got my vote for that name.

July 21, 2005 2:04 PM  
Blogger blogglegum said...

I love that you wrote "dreamt." It makes your blog so poetic.

July 21, 2005 2:07 PM  
Blogger austinizer said...

Seriously Brian, your blog really just isn't as funny anymore with that new picture.

July 21, 2005 2:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The comments are the worst part of this blog.

July 21, 2005 2:09 PM  
Blogger immixmarketer said...

Ask and you shall recieve

July 21, 2005 2:11 PM  
Anonymous Lacey said...

I enjoyed the new look...damn you assholes.

July 21, 2005 2:17 PM  
Blogger Lee Ann said...

hmmm....oreos, milk! Seems like there might be something with that!?!?

July 21, 2005 2:32 PM  
Blogger Donny said...

Have you comtemplated your bowel movements lately?

July 21, 2005 2:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I personally love the new picture. My favorite part is the bottle of tums on the shelf in the background. Nice touch.

July 21, 2005 2:49 PM  
Blogger Erika said...

I like the old photo, and all my cherubs have power wheels, because I was deprived. I never had the grocery store check out counter either. Bastards.

July 21, 2005 3:22 PM  
Blogger Spinning Girl said...

My favorite childhood toy was the Sit & Spin.

And bunk beds greatly enhanced my sex life sophomore year at UConn when my roommate (bottom bunk) had a boyfriend. I got a ride every night from the 2 of them, whether I asked for it or not. IT WAS GREAT.

July 21, 2005 3:57 PM  
Blogger The Orchestrator said...

Really like your humor, please visit my site.

July 21, 2005 4:07 PM  
Blogger The Orchestrator said...

its benjenkel.blogspot.com

July 21, 2005 4:07 PM  
Blogger Yer Daddy said...

Anonymous dorks with soporific comments are TRULY the worst part about this blog

July 21, 2005 4:21 PM  
Blogger PrincessNea said...

I never did get that Easy Bake Oven I always wanted...........sigh

July 21, 2005 4:55 PM  
Blogger Juliabohemian said...

I'm still bitter about never having gotten the Snoopy Sno cone machine. Then, as an adult I got one at a garage sale, only to discover that it takes some serious elbow grease to crank the little handle.
not worth it...

July 21, 2005 5:27 PM  
Blogger JulieB said...

ooh, the sit-n-spin... I played with mine when I was way too old for it.

They make a twister with music now. If it played porn music, it just might be worth the $10 it cost.

donovan, LOVE your picture.

My brother broke his arm on a big wheel too... hmm...

My kids have an Easy Bake Oven, and a Queasy Bake Oven too. No kidding, it makes bug shapes & stuff that looks like dog food. Does anyone remember Creepy Crawlers?

July 21, 2005 5:49 PM  
Blogger OneSweetMissa said...

I actually had a great Aunt and some second cousins that were on a current affair.

If I got to pick entrance music it would have to be the sound from Law and Order.

July 21, 2005 5:55 PM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

Bitches ride banana seated Schwins. Fuck my parents for buying me that. If that makes me a wanker, so be it.

July 21, 2005 6:06 PM  
Blogger Kato said...

Schwong!

Nuff said.

July 21, 2005 7:39 PM  
Blogger Yer Daddy said...

Your bike needs a sissy bar

July 21, 2005 7:53 PM  
Blogger Janet said...

Whatever happened to Wesley anyhow?

July 21, 2005 9:18 PM  
Blogger mlwhitt said...

;) I had never considered what a bunk bed would do for one's sex life. How could I have overlooked such a wonderful ponderance. Thank you. I will have that topic running through my head all day.

July 21, 2005 9:29 PM  
Blogger Notta Wallflower said...

Mad Libs are fun if there's nothing else to do. Theme music huh? Must have watched that one episode of The Family Guy where Peter has his own theme music. I'm not sure what song mine would be...

July 21, 2005 9:46 PM  
Blogger OneSweetMissa said...

Just saw the Family Guy episode where peter narrarates his day. I'm so tempted to try that one time just to see how many people I would annoy.

July 21, 2005 10:00 PM  
Blogger C. E. Farmer said...

Damn I feel for some of you guys. I got everything I wanted as a kid. Though that did kinda screw me up later on in life.

July 21, 2005 11:53 PM  
Blogger Me said...

I always wanted a power wheels too. I had to settle with renting the neighbors.

Oh, and a canopy bed too.

Didn't get either one

July 22, 2005 12:55 AM  
Blogger BadGod said...

I'd ask for something when I was a kid and my dad would say, "Just be grateful you weren't aborted".

I mean what the fuck?? True story.

July 22, 2005 2:13 AM  
Blogger ~*Bettie said...

I had a bad ass Big Foot Powerwheel truck! And a Cabbage Patch doll!

That I ran over daily.

I had a big wheel. Those things wher the shit. Then I taught myself how to ride a bike down a hill. With no brakes. (Mom was too busy smokin the Cheeba. . . )


Brian, dude, I didn't get to see the pic they're all bitching about, but I bet it was sexy. Dead Sexy. **Growl!**








~Ty

July 22, 2005 4:17 AM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

Personally, I always enjoyed the Slip 'n' Slide myself.

And, Daddy...not all battery-operated toys suck.

July 22, 2005 6:45 AM  
Blogger CanOpener said...

Tip of the day. If you sleep on the top bunk, don't use the ceiling fan!

July 22, 2005 7:03 AM  
Blogger Duncan MacEachern said...

Several Comments:

As an ELK, I still find your comment very funny. We need more members under 40 (like me & you). Hey, lesser expensive drinks by far!!

I had a Big Wheels tricycle thingy with a blue lunch box on the back. It is where we stored our Battlestar Galactica Space Glo Putty & Evel Kneivel stunt motorcycle. Did not have room for the Mickey Mouse Turn Over Choo-Choo!

Keep the laughs coming!

July 22, 2005 7:31 AM  
Blogger PINKSandROSES said...

i totally feel you on that power wheels thing. My mom never bought me that pink barbie jeep and to this day i wanna kick the wheels off of every kids jeep to they can't ride theirs cause i never got mine. *sigh* i'm so bitter...

July 22, 2005 7:40 AM  
Blogger ~*Bettie said...

My lovers are Ben and Jerry. . . Chunk Monkey. . . Cookie Dough. . . Phish Food. . .

**orgasim**

July 22, 2005 7:51 AM  
Blogger Trixie said...

I love your site. I found it recently. One of my blogs is at http://poetryheart.blogspot.com/ but I was thinking about doing another one like yours but slightly different. Would you be offended if I spawned off your idea?

As for the toys, I had a Barbie pool, but I never could fit in it so Skipper and Ken used to have an affair on Barbie in there!

July 22, 2005 9:45 AM  
Blogger mamadukez said...

I never got Power Wheels but I wanted a Barbie Camper...instead my parents gave me "The Sunshine Family" Camper and felt soooo jipped!Can you say issues???

July 22, 2005 10:14 AM  
Blogger Kerri said...

Ben and Jerry? Hahaha. One of my friend's mom knows them. I wish they would send me free ice cream, but they don't even send her any.

July 22, 2005 1:25 PM  
Blogger Kathe said...

Loved # 7 (power wheels)!! My oldest son, now 23, needs to get over his jealousy too! He still complains that I never bought him one!!!

July 23, 2005 6:23 AM  
Blogger Kathe said...

Loved # 7 (power wheels)!! My oldest son, now 23, needs to get over his jealousy too! He still complains that I never bought him one!!!

July 23, 2005 6:23 AM  
Anonymous Help Us Find The Right Emmy & Oscar Dresses said...

Lance Armstrong has a huge heart. He can do anything. Some fans are saying he should run for president.

Let's guess who is going to wear the hottest dress at this year's Emmy and Oscar events?

July 23, 2005 10:17 PM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

Great God in Heaven, sell your fucking prom dresses somewhere else. Mmmm, wait. Try Google AdWords or Overture. Holy shit. This makes me want to pull out my split ends in the front of my Golden God mullet.

July 24, 2005 2:18 AM  
Blogger paul said...

cool site good to see these things actually can get lively. good idea gettin a message board type thingy going!
the best 'toy' i got was my first toolkit ;) who has kids? i got a 10 month old son he's great. pics are at http://paulsplaceonline.blogspot.com/
its a pretty quiet place but i like it!

July 24, 2005 4:32 AM  
Blogger Banjoist said...

I couldn't have Beatle boots, long hair or turtle neck dickies. If you're old enough to even know what these things are, you understand my deep contempt for my parents.

July 24, 2005 3:48 PM  
Blogger lookingbusy said...

I will never stop being jealous of the kids who had powerwheels. Those bastards! My mom almost bought me one at a garage sale for 10 bucks once, but I tried it and it sucked cuz the motor was almost burnt out. It barely moved... now all I have is my fast automobile... :(

July 25, 2005 10:58 AM  
Blogger Chris Scarlata said...

Dude your blog is hysterical - I once saw Wesley from Mr. Belvedere at Taco Bell, confronted him about it, and he told me to fuck off - ok I lied but it sounds believable.

July 26, 2005 11:33 AM  
Blogger R2K said...

"Tried to dip milk in a glass of Oreos"

Thats pretty funny lol...

July 26, 2005 1:04 PM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

Nutterbutters own over Oreos anyday. Though, I prefer to dip them in chocolate skim milk.

Because my limit is two, and then I still have the whole glass of chocolate milk to enjoy afterwards.

July 27, 2005 11:08 AM  
Blogger sillymeeg said...

Just had to tell you that your Blog is absolutely hilarious!! I didn't get a damn power wheels either, nor a cabbage patch, but I had plenty of damn barbies. Childhood can suck...

July 29, 2005 7:36 PM  
Anonymous NakedBodyEmporium, NakedBodyApparel said...

Great site and nince t-shirts!

July 31, 2005 3:47 PM  
Blogger fairest.creature said...

As a child I once claimed that Randy Johnson was my cousin. Well, I did have a cousin named Randy Johnson, and he bore a striking resemblance to the tall gangly pitcher, but it wasn't him.

August 04, 2005 4:50 PM  
Blogger . said...

.

July 02, 2006 12:34 PM  

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