Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Started a competitive hop-scotch league
2. Let out a fart that I swear sounded like my ass said, "Huh?"
3. Wondered if anyone ever mistook mace for binaca
4. Found a calculator under my bed...spelled out "BOOBS"
5. Remembered how spelling "BOOBIES" was, and is, the only thing that has ever made me laugh harder
6. Deep fried a potato
7. Took off the door sign from the Work Out room, and put it on my neighbors door
8. Unsuccessfully attempted to break my all-time record for consecutive hours sitting on the couch
9. Wondered if anyone has ever beaten my elementary school Fit for Life record in "Sit and Reach"
10. Began making what will one day become the largest foil ball ever


Anonymous Gina_05 said...

Ahhhhh....you're back!

July 26, 2005 7:58 PM  
Blogger melissa said...

#8 - THATS why we havent gotten a post!

Welcome back man...the masses thank you.

July 26, 2005 8:14 PM  
Blogger C. E. Farmer said...

I'm the king of hop-scotch !!!!

July 26, 2005 8:16 PM  
Blogger Lady Sappho said...

1. *raising hand wildly* Can I join? Can I join?
2. The only thing I've heard my ass say is "blah-p-p-p-th-th-th-t".
3. OUCH!
4. 80085
5. *giggle*
6. ate a potato chip
7. I need that on MY door
8. Ugh, I can barely sit on it for an hour long show. My all-time record is a two-hour nap.
9. I can't remember that far back, sonny.
10. Wait, can I have it? My cat LOVES playing with those things.

July 26, 2005 8:28 PM  
Blogger Sam said...

yay for "sit and reach"

July 26, 2005 8:38 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Hey Brian!
I've got a couple of new calculator words for you to try....my students showed me some of these....
Type and turn upside down:
1) 5317738
2) 32008
3) 35006
4) 37816173
5) 8075
6) 45075
7) 35380
8) 317.618
I hope you enjoy! Let me know if any of 'em stump you!

July 26, 2005 8:39 PM  
Blogger PINKSandROSES said...

call me when it's time to hop-scotch. i won the san diego women's division back in 97'. i'll take on anybody. just name the place and i'll be there!

July 26, 2005 10:46 PM  
Blogger R2K said...

Boobies is good, but when you are really 1337 at calculator speak, you can spell things like apothecary.


July 26, 2005 11:04 PM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

Boobies is good on a calculator or otherwise. Yay for flapjacks and melons!

July 27, 2005 12:19 AM  
Blogger The Preppy Girl said...

Read your blog about Mary after I moved back from Chicago, I remember that, pretty funny. By the way, they're selling Crystal Pepsi for $25K on ebay.

July 27, 2005 1:50 AM  
Blogger Penelope Jenkins said...

Hey you don't know me but I came across you're blog. Got me in stitches :D Tab x

July 27, 2005 4:17 AM  
Blogger clew said...

I've had that fart. My husband had one once that said "Brie". Now whenever we see a plate of brie at a social function we laugh. And don't eat it.

July 27, 2005 4:21 AM  
Blogger Odessa said...

I laugh my ass off everytime I visit this blog!! Happy to start my day with new highlights! :-)

July 27, 2005 4:54 AM  
Blogger Friends of McDougal said...

Nice work, Brian.

Today is still young, but some things I did yesterday:

1. Crossed a collapsible drinking cup with my old "missing link" puzzle game. By the time you get the damn thing open, you're not thirsty anymore.

2. Mooned the window washer from my 23rd floor office. Later was beaten unconscious by same window washer.

3. Called my grandmother, pretended to be Dwight Eisenhower. Convinced her to enlist in the Coast Guard.

4. One word: Bran muffins.

5. Actually, that's two words. Enrolled in self-help program for functioning retards.

6. Organized bacon eating contest with neighbors. Won by default when just before contest started, announced all bacon had to be consumed raw.

7. Replaced every song on my iPod with "Sailing" by Christopher Cross.

8. Later, replaced Sailing with "Jump" by Kriss Kross.

The Mac Dad will make you
Jump! Jump!
The Daddy Mac will make you
Jump! Jump!
Kris Kross will make you
Jump! Jump!

9. Spent several hours in truck stop bathroom revisiting my earlier decisions regarding raw bacon and bran muffins.

10. Held breath for an extended period, then paid homeless man to walk my cats around the building ... on the ledge.*


July 27, 2005 5:12 AM  
Blogger jellofishy said...


July 27, 2005 5:35 AM  
Blogger Enrico Giamondi said...

Let us play "Marco Polo" you fuckin ass clown!

July 27, 2005 6:17 AM  
Blogger lookingbusy said...

No way that your sit and reach record is even close to mine. When I was a kid, I could easily put my palms on the floor when I was standing up, which is pretty flexible for a boy.

July 27, 2005 6:24 AM  
Blogger Sherri said...

So funny! You cheered me up today, was feeling kind of blue. Thanks!

July 27, 2005 6:26 AM  
Blogger sharon said...

who needs hop scotch when you have Skip-it?

July 27, 2005 6:36 AM  
Blogger Kay Ray said...

OMG.. I remember being in Algebra class in like middle school spelling out boobs!! I had forgotten until now.

July 27, 2005 6:38 AM  
Blogger PuckBoy said...

I'm the greatest Hop-scotcher in MD. I'll take yuh.

July 27, 2005 6:47 AM  
Anonymous Kim Plaintive said...

My farts are dainty, like Queen Elizabeth saying, "Who?"

July 27, 2005 6:49 AM  
Blogger CanOpener said...

I had a big plan as a child to get rich off the foil wrappers from gum. I would burn off the wax paper piece and was left with just the tin. Well let me tell you mister, if I had kept it up, my great great great great grandchildren could have bought a pack of gum with the proceeds.

July 27, 2005 7:09 AM  
Blogger C Black - My old hacker alias said...

My farts say "BUUUUTT Trump----et", but I usually have to force the end :(

July 27, 2005 7:26 AM  
Blogger austinizer said...

Yes, but have you read your mitch in wonderland comic yet?

mmm, foil ball, mmmmm

July 27, 2005 7:34 AM  
Blogger allison said...

Bundy, Mn. is the home of The World's Largest Ball of Twine

July 27, 2005 8:39 AM  
Blogger R2K said...

Kinda a waste of metal...


July 27, 2005 8:49 AM  
Blogger ~B said...

The last five times I have been at a pool or the beach I have witnessed a hairy fat guy with a nut hanging out of his bathing suit. I believe 7 is the record, but I'm not looking forward to the next two trips.

July 27, 2005 9:03 AM  
Blogger The Husband said...

hop-scotch is for losers. what about rubberband balls, the rock! i have to say this blog is like crack...you get all upset when we don't see a post and then when we do see one is awesome. way to keep us hanging. like they say in hollywood, always leave them wanting more.

July 27, 2005 9:09 AM  
Anonymous Brent Holl said...

You steal your highlights from Joey McConnell!!!!!

You are an unfunny thief, however you are 1 million times funnier than the people who comment here.

For you commenters just because his rip-offed blog makes you laugh does not give you permission to try and be funny because your not

Suck my balls

July 27, 2005 9:17 AM  
Blogger Candee said...

Brent holl isn't very friendly, eh? Who needs permission to be funny jackass?! Lighten up.

July 27, 2005 9:36 AM  
Blogger Hannah Banana said...

I had all but forgotten the beauty of the sit n'reach...
that reminder has made all the difference in my day, and possibly life

July 27, 2005 10:04 AM  
Blogger Friends of McDougal said...

Top Ten Things Brent Holl did today:

1. Furious Masturbation
2 - 10. See #1.

July 27, 2005 10:26 AM  
Blogger David said...

Boobies are great no matter where ya find them....

Hop-scotch is gay. Unless you have one leg.

Not eating brie any more. There's the ass clown again. That IS funny.

July 27, 2005 10:40 AM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

I don't know who the fuck Brent Holl is....but, if he masturbates furiously...he's my kind of man, as long as he lets me watch.

As to how funny he is, I couldn't tell you.

I don't know how much Brian masturbates, but he's damn hilarious and makes me smile. Always a good thing.

July 27, 2005 10:56 AM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

I beat the shit out of Brent Holl the other day while I was driving for some beer in my camero and mesh tube-top.

July 27, 2005 11:01 AM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

Good luck with the foil ball. Where will you keep it once your done?

July 27, 2005 11:51 AM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

A Camaro AND that hair...

You really ARE the full package.

You rock, Mr. Teabaggins!

July 27, 2005 12:06 PM  
Blogger Josh said...

Dude - quit your day job and start writing for SNL or Adam Sandler. Heck, you've got a career in this stuff...move OVER Sandler!

July 27, 2005 12:18 PM  
Blogger wildcat9two said...

you forgot to add #11. jerked off to animal porn.

July 27, 2005 12:27 PM  
Blogger cpwool said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

July 27, 2005 12:40 PM  
Blogger NJJ said...

go here: http://foilball.nyerges.net/webcam.html
to see your foil ball competition

I'll send you my gum wrappers friend!


July 27, 2005 12:46 PM  
Blogger Little Miss said...

You didn't want to put "work out room" above your bed?

(shaking my head in disappointment)

July 27, 2005 12:59 PM  
Blogger scott penton said...

Wow, some people really have a lot of spare time with a calculator.

July 27, 2005 1:03 PM  
Blogger sandman said...

it's amaizing what some people can accomplish with only a couple of brain cells. too funny.

July 27, 2005 1:49 PM  
Blogger dive_goddess said...

Brent needs to try to lighten up a bit! PEACE MAN! PEACE! Breath in and breath out!

July 27, 2005 1:52 PM  
Blogger Vodka Redgrave said...

Thoughts of vodka-
Vodka is good,
Vodka is great,
Drunk driving with Vodka,
Is testing your fate,

July 27, 2005 2:40 PM  
Blogger LilTanLines said...

Isn't a deep fried potatoe a french fry???

July 27, 2005 2:55 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Not if you fry the whole goddamn potato! That would be one massive fuckin' fry...

July 27, 2005 2:59 PM  
Blogger jiggs said...

As Cat Stevens once sang in Tea for the Tillerman, "When I masturbate, I masturbate furiously."

Although I might be confusing it with a Yusuf Islam lyric.

July 27, 2005 4:02 PM  
Blogger LilTanLines said...

thats right... You'd have to cut the Fucker up first! *lol*

July 27, 2005 4:25 PM  
Blogger Zepplinlady said...

Is it just me, or are there lots of guys obsessed with flatulence? I work with a guy who's totally hooked on farts. Funny stuff..ha ha

July 27, 2005 9:06 PM  
Blogger T.L. Barker said...

Dolly's boobs were 69 inches. She went to the doctor and he said they were 222 big. He gave her 51 pills. Given she takes them, by 8 weeks she'd bee BOOBLESS. It goes like this: 6922251 x 8 = 55378008. Hint: turn the calculator upsidedown in the end.

July 27, 2005 9:24 PM  
Blogger Kimmy said...

I always sucked at "Sit and Reach." My legs are abnormally long, and I can't even reach my feet, let alone PAST them.

It was humiliating, and you just reminded me of the pain. *CRIES*

(By the way, your blog rocks the hizouse).

July 27, 2005 10:04 PM  
Blogger Johnny Menace said...

i don't think you will beat Pee Wee's foil ball

July 27, 2005 10:39 PM  
Blogger TANTALIZE said...

Your sharp sarcasm must get you EVERYWHERE with the women and nowhere with authority! Funny stuff.

*Coming to you from tiny Kuwait.

July 28, 2005 1:59 AM  
Blogger Thaozee said...

Sit and reach? Didn't you opt out of that, like all the other kids, and go for a smoko in the back?

July 28, 2005 3:11 AM  
Blogger Yours Truly...Conman said...


July 28, 2005 6:07 AM  
Blogger Plop said...


July 28, 2005 6:10 AM  
Blogger R2K said...

I once confused mace for binaca...

Wound up with a good smelling criminal.

July 28, 2005 6:25 AM  
Blogger jest said...

you are genius.......

July 28, 2005 6:28 AM  
Blogger bittu said...


July 28, 2005 7:06 AM  
Blogger Trixie said...

HAHA I though you said

Wondered if anyone ever mistook "my face" for binaca and I got all excited. But thenI re-read it!

I rule at Hop scotch but I liked Sit and Spin better! ;)

I love to burp or fart real loud and watch my friends look at me in dismay and say,"Did that just come out of you!" It is truly hilarious!

I was once at a function where it was talking about the 7 types of DUTY and my friends and I heard DOODY and promtly came up with 7 types

3.sharts (crap farts)
4.puff--slimes (you puff but slime comes out)
5. runny farts
6. HUGE craps (the OMG this thing is huge kind)
7.consta-reha Constipation and Diareha mix

July 28, 2005 7:56 AM  
Blogger LilTanLines said...

Johnny, I thought Pee Wee had a Big Adventure... Not a foil ball! *lol*

July 28, 2005 9:07 AM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

You forgot "turbble" which is a turd bubble. Or the "Big Ol' Cobra" which is a crap that coils and coils and then pokes its head out of the water, as if to strike.

July 28, 2005 10:14 AM  
Blogger Steph said...

You said BOOBS

July 28, 2005 11:00 AM  
Blogger Hartin said...

Hop-scotch is all well and good. But, duck duck goose is where its at.

July 28, 2005 2:42 PM  
Blogger Zija - drink life in said...

drink life in with Zija
http://www.drinklifein.com or


July 28, 2005 2:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had "60" on the sit and reach. Beat that.

July 30, 2005 4:49 PM  
Blogger jess360 said...

Made it to #6 and had to quit reading so as not to get fired - I'm a stock broker and laughing so hard I pee pants doesn't inspire confidence in my clients... But will return to read the rest!

August 01, 2005 2:23 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Hey just wondering... what is you record for sit and reach???

August 09, 2005 5:59 PM  

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