Friday, August 19, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Felt old as I realized all the kids going back to school this week are being checked for lice, while my lice now goes unrecognized
2. Followed around a lady in the mall and kept whispering, "If you build it...they will come."
3. Dreamt Tara Reid beat me in a game of tic-tac-toe in front of all my friends
4. Wrote in a request to Eli Lilly that the Cialis slogan of "when the moment is right, will you be ready" be changed to "let's go right now biaaaaatch"
5. Started an underground Beer Pong* league at work
6. By turning a back scratcher 180 degrees, I invented a balls scratcher
7. Made a hitlist of all the kids that went to my high school that I felt were making hitlists
8. Kept asking the lady next to me on the train if I could hold her baby...she didn't have a baby
9. Discovered the fastest way to get through a long line is to crap your pants 10 seconds before
10. Began preparing for my birthday (Saturday, Aug. 20th, 5:25 pm) by blowing out some ladies candles on her retirement cake

*beer pong is a drinking game played by frat guys, sluts, and dudes with sideways trucker hats
Fart Flavor of the Day: two bums having sex while chewing tabacco
80's Name of the Day: Makes Out at Roller Rink

115 Comments:

Blogger Just Me said...

I'm sure your dream of Tara Reid involved a lot more then her beating you at tic tac toe.

August 18, 2005 8:16 PM  
Blogger Trielles said...

what are the rules to this....beer pong you speak of? Hrmm?

August 18, 2005 8:22 PM  
Blogger Princess Pessimism said...

I agree with Rena...Beer Pong...I'm intrigued...tell us more about this "Beer Pong"

August 18, 2005 8:34 PM  
Blogger BushCheney08 said...

You should start your own company and have ball scratchers come out of an assembly line. . . . you could be your own boss. . . youd make alot of money

August 18, 2005 8:35 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

And if you turn it another 180 degrees, you can use it to scratch your lice, too.... what an interesting combination.... back, balls, and lice.
-Rach-
P.S. Happy early birthday, Brian!

August 18, 2005 8:40 PM  
Blogger akv0459 said...

Impress her with priaprism...
Don't use that balls scratcher after scratching your lice ridden head, cause getting a brazilian ain't for hygenic purposes.

August 18, 2005 8:49 PM  
Blogger rawbean said...

Thats odd that you posted your highlights on a day that hasn't happened yet....odd indeed.

August 18, 2005 8:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i love your blog it absolutly halerious!

August 18, 2005 9:02 PM  
Blogger Maile said...

#4 made me burst out laughing as I work in the pharmaceutical industry. Hee hee, thanks for the laugh. I really needed it!

August 18, 2005 9:13 PM  
Blogger Wendebular said...

Rawbean - the day actually has happened over here in NZ. Spooky? Maybe.

And it is only 25 hours until Brian's birthday/time, so Happy Birthday Brian!

Also, if someone followed me round the mall, it would not be nearly as scary as someone following me while quoting Kevin Costner.

*shudder*

August 18, 2005 9:28 PM  
Blogger Trixie said...

I like # 7. I think I'll make a kisslist of all the people I never had the courage to kiss in highschool.

August 18, 2005 9:54 PM  
Anonymous piggy twister said...

If all your posts are titled similarly, many blood-sucking locusts have trouble with their live bookmarks.

Can consider adding a date or something?

And beware of the scratcher: unless you have proper instructions, it may become a vicious addiction.. Mine is built-into my office chair.. There's no need to mention that I skip most meetings..

August 18, 2005 10:24 PM  
Blogger Mr. O said...

yeah man. i agree with rawbean. is it the 19th already???

August 18, 2005 10:45 PM  
Blogger FU said...

its the 19th where i am. dunno what crack all of you are on.

tara reid is dutty. but she used to be quite nice - i watched American Pie 2. quite yum.

btw.. if spin that ball scratcher another 180 degrees... u get an ass scratcher. oh yes..i think in 3D.

happy early b-day. i hope all ur farts come in all the flavors u've ever imagined.. and more.

August 18, 2005 10:55 PM  
Blogger \ ang \ said...

I just moved to Chicago. How easy was it to get into the advertising industry? I've been looking for advertising / marketing jobs and have had close to no luck.

August 18, 2005 11:29 PM  
Blogger Guvnah said...

You make my nights! I live to come to work and read your blogg!

August 18, 2005 11:55 PM  
Blogger the captain said...

I've tried to do #9 before, unfortunately I have PE. Which brings me to #4.

August 19, 2005 12:06 AM  
Blogger Yaeli said...

Happy Birthday for tomorrow tiger! Thanks for brightening my day with your funny posts.

August 19, 2005 12:47 AM  
Blogger sharonb said...

I enjoy your commentaries,how interesting, I spent the beeter part of my day looking for that money tree my kids think I have planted in the back yard:))hugs and smooches.

August 19, 2005 2:48 AM  
Blogger sharonb said...

beeter?? I mean Better....
Now all i need do is find someone who has nothing better to do than check my spelling as I type:))

August 19, 2005 2:50 AM  
Blogger Rat said...

Hahahaha. This is good stuff.

August 19, 2005 4:11 AM  
Blogger ~*Bettie said...

Jesus loves me this I know, for the Kirkster told me so. . . .

The drama's of a blog, oi!

Sir Bryan or Brian or Boy Friday as I once saw it-

I just forgot what I was going to say. . .

Shit.

I seriously did. . .

August 19, 2005 4:23 AM  
Blogger Faithmy said...

Happy Birthday. May your body parts stop itching.

August 19, 2005 4:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a Beer Pong champ! I guess that makes me a whore.

(Or a trucker with a sideways baseball cap.)

August 19, 2005 4:47 AM  
Blogger babyjewels said...

I'm pretty sure Tara's too drunk to beat my four year old in tic-tac-toe. Plus he cheats like crazy.

signed,

secretly watched a little of Taradise's "Staggering with the Bulls" last night.

August 19, 2005 4:56 AM  
Anonymous Tina said...

Dude you rock. My birthday is 8/27 at 8:12pm. You are totally twisted. I found your site from Cute Little Box

Whoever does that site is also completed deranged. Is it you?

August 19, 2005 5:48 AM  
Anonymous msbrooksie said...

two bums having sex while chewing tabacco

How do you know what that smells like?

August 19, 2005 6:21 AM  
Blogger -RM said...

happy birthday, my birthday is on Sunday...I love being a fuckin' Leo.

August 19, 2005 6:21 AM  
Blogger bsoholic said...

I gotta try following someone around whispering "If you build it, they will come". Pure gold that is.

Happy Birthday!

August 19, 2005 6:33 AM  
Blogger Curious1 said...

Happy Birthday man... Take it ez on your balls with that thing. Looks like it could hurt a bit... That would definetly screw your sex life for sure.

August 19, 2005 6:44 AM  
Blogger Billy said...

Now I know how to get through a line quickly...

August 19, 2005 6:55 AM  
Blogger Ghost Dog said...

Ouch. Nothing more embarrassing that not drawing the stalemate at Tic-tac-toe in the first place, but losing to Tara Reid would be the ultimate humiliation.

August 19, 2005 7:11 AM  
Blogger Bobby said...

Keep up the good work, and happy birthday.

August 19, 2005 7:17 AM  
Blogger Pete Mitchell said...

Did you ask the lady if you could her baby before or after you crapped your pants?

Happy Birthday Man.

And I agree: What is beer pong?

August 19, 2005 8:10 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

So, uh did you give the baby lice and take it to the horny bumfight?

August 19, 2005 9:19 AM  
Anonymous sarcastickitty said...

Your blog is my newest favorite. You CRACK me up. Hub and I have become daily readers!

Number four is my favorite.

Oh, and I like the lady with the baby.

Sheesh.

August 19, 2005 9:30 AM  
Blogger Marina said...

Brian, you are way too funny. Keep them coming.

btw, Happy Birthday.

August 19, 2005 9:56 AM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

Pretend I'm jumping out of a cake...

Happy Birthday, Mr. Friday.

I'm blowing you kisses.

August 19, 2005 10:07 AM  
Blogger Adam said...

I'm going to have to go with msbrooksie. How or let alone why do you know what that smells like?

August 19, 2005 10:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does strumpet scare anyone else besides me? Talk about oversexed...

Hope you have a great birthday B, and we get a great highlights of your day list out of it too!

August 19, 2005 10:15 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

How right you are. I love beer pong and am totally slutty.

I'm just kidding. I don't like beer pong.

August 19, 2005 10:34 AM  
Blogger Rico said...

I totally already thought of the ball scracher yesterday.

August 19, 2005 11:08 AM  
Blogger ~*Bettie said...

How can people not make sense of beer pong!? It must also be a redneck thing. . .sheesh. . .

Beer=Drunkness
Pong=Cordination

Beer + Pong = Drunkn Cordination. . .

And brusies. Might wanna keep some band-aides around too. . .

August 19, 2005 11:17 AM  
Blogger Cass said...

Love the beef ads in the sidebar...I wonder if Google has an intern whose job it is to read blogs all day and choose which ad content goes best with their posts.

August 19, 2005 11:27 AM  
Blogger Sher said...

Beer pong is also fun when you turn it into "Jell-O Pong" and place Jello-shots into the beer cups instead of beer...
Yay! Beer pong! And YAY for August birthdays!!!

August 19, 2005 11:55 AM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

Dear Anonymous,

BOO!

August 19, 2005 12:01 PM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

Happy almost Birthday!

August 19, 2005 12:02 PM  
Blogger cwoo2005 said...

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August 19, 2005 12:06 PM  
Blogger austinizer said...

now i want a coke float. mmmm. roller rink coke floats.

August 19, 2005 12:17 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Hmmm....maybe on your birthday, you can play beer pong while whispering to two bums having sex and scratching lice.

...interesting...

Happy Birthday!

August 19, 2005 12:18 PM  
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August 19, 2005 12:21 PM  
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August 19, 2005 12:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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August 19, 2005 12:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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August 19, 2005 12:54 PM  
Blogger The Husband said...

tara reid is a skank...but i would bang her.

August 19, 2005 1:09 PM  
Blogger It'sJustMe said...

Can I join your underground Beer pong league? I don't work with you and I won't tell you my real name, so that should keep things underground...

August 19, 2005 1:26 PM  
Blogger Becky & Matt said...

You crack me up!

Happy Birthday.

August 19, 2005 1:32 PM  
Blogger lookingbusy said...

If you want to blow out candles on some old ladies retirement cake, maybe you should find an old lady WITH CANDLES ON HER RETIREMENT CAKE!

Cripes!

August 19, 2005 1:53 PM  
Blogger Trixie said...

*I agree with Strumpet BOO Anonymous!!

*Imagine me jumping out of a whatever you want....

* If you hook up a battery to that scratcher thing you won't have to imagine what it would do your sex life you would know.

*The best way through a grocery line is to start freaking out and having a tantrum and people will let you pass!

HPBD2U
HPBD2U
HBDB
HBD2U

:)

August 19, 2005 2:08 PM  
Blogger allison said...

Happy Birthday!

August 19, 2005 2:27 PM  
Blogger Carol said...

speaking of hitlists...I made an it list, which rhymes! you can find it from my profile.

Also, happy birthday!

August 19, 2005 2:31 PM  
Blogger platkat said...

Do you have lice?
I have fleas.
Let's hang out!

August 19, 2005 3:27 PM  
Blogger American Girl said...

HBD

August 19, 2005 3:41 PM  
Blogger Inner Fonzie said...

I'm bummed... I read all the comments in the vain hope I would learn the actual rules of beer pong (I can see the funny connection already, but I am missing the rules)... I went to college for 8 effin' years and I never heard of beer pong... WTF?!

And Happy B-Day...

August 19, 2005 4:33 PM  
Blogger Yaz said...

I shat myself laughing at this post.

August 19, 2005 4:38 PM  
Blogger blair said...

You are the King Of All Blogs, Brian. I anxiously await your next! MORE!! MORE!! MORE!! YES!! YES!! YES!! ahhh, I feel like having a post coital cigarette.

By the way, if you want to know what "Beer Pong" is then just ask Jeeves!

What is Beer Pong?
"Beer Pong is the most aerobic drinking game I know. I learned it from my good friend, Scott Blair. (I don't know who this guy is??)

It's basically ping pong except each player places a large cup of beer on the center of the table, about one paddle length from the edge of the table.

The goal of the game is to smack the other player's cup with the ping pong ball, assuming the regular rules of your average ping pong game. Each time your cup is hit, you have to drink. Naturally. If the other player knocks your cup over with a particularly powerful smash, you have to clean the mess, get a fresh cup of beer, and down the entire contents. Is the room spinning yet?

Or if the other player manages to loft the ping pong ball, which has bounced on the floor, been licked by the dog, and collected enough fuzz to be officially considered angora, in such a way that the ball lands in your cup, you have to down the entire contents of the beer...fuzz and all. Ewwww. But the beer does have some medicinal qualities to prevent angora backlash.

You can make up your own special rules. You can keep score, but generally, a person loses when they have to drink the entire cup. Or if you have a large number of people eager to play, you should keep score and play to, say, 10.

On the other hand, and you're missing the ping pong table, ping pongs, paddles, you'll just have to drink yourself silly in other ways. "

I wonder if Fonzie is still reading??

Happy Birthday Brian!! Long live the KING!!!

August 19, 2005 5:44 PM  
Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Highlight of my day: following all your Blog Spam links.

Oh, I bought Fredo some chaps on my vacation--come over & check 'em out.

Happy birthday, you sick, sad, sexy boy.

August 19, 2005 5:56 PM  
Blogger Inner Fonzie said...

Blair: Had a really cool post for you... but the computer ate it... so, I will leave you with just this...

Thanks.

Believe me... it was damn good the first go around.

August 19, 2005 6:25 PM  
Blogger Traceysiobhan said...

Isn't your slogan for Cialis just a version of Redneck foreplay?

HBD.....Oh, and here, have a box of Rid for the lice and some Gold Bond Powder for the unseamly ball itch!

August 19, 2005 9:12 PM  
Blogger ***Double_Oh_No*** said...

A hit list of hit listers. That motivates me to come up with my own, but I might be on that list.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that went to college for 8 effin' years.

Happy Birthday.

August 19, 2005 9:14 PM  
Blogger Mad Munkey said...

Hard to leave something fresh with 70 comments, but I was here (having a kilroy moment) and here I shall return.

August 19, 2005 9:49 PM  
Blogger J. Hi said...

Happy Birthday!

August 19, 2005 9:55 PM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

Trix, I could easily imagine you jumpin' out of lots of things...

And, by the way, I want one of your battery-operated scratcher thingos. I can also easily imagine lots of activities to accomplish with that particular toy.

August 20, 2005 2:21 AM  
Blogger messedupmuggle said...

happy b day will someon plese read my blog it would make me feel so much less like a loser. ok well im not a loser i rock every fucking thing on my blog is true

August 20, 2005 6:54 AM  
Blogger Kimmy said...

I love beer pong!!!!

August 20, 2005 9:08 AM  
Blogger mamadukez said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRIAN!! LEOS RULE!

August 20, 2005 9:52 AM  
Blogger broomhilda said...

DITTO

August 20, 2005 10:24 AM  
Blogger Rose-Colored Beer Goggles said...

My Man will be happy to know there are others doin' the 180 with the scratcher.

Re: the cialis site and "living with ED" - do you think men around the world named ED cringe every time they read/hear the p.c. acronym of ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION? Do they mistakenly think someone is talking about them? Oh the pressure.

I see grounds for a class-action suit.

August 20, 2005 10:28 AM  
Blogger AKH said...

Happy Birthday! Mine is tomorrow.

August 20, 2005 1:56 PM  
Blogger ~*Bettie said...

Happy Birthday Hawtie!

You know, Cake means Sex in some languages. . .

Happy Birthday Cake translates to Happy Birthday Sex. . .

Hmmmm, who blows out who??


~Ty

August 20, 2005 2:39 PM  
Blogger Zepplinlady said...

Happy B-day to the king of the blogesphere!!

August 20, 2005 3:24 PM  
Blogger Geneva Dynamite said...

Happy Birthday Boy Friday

August 20, 2005 8:58 PM  
Blogger Smurfer said...

your day is more interesting then most others.. keep it going!

August 21, 2005 5:13 AM  
Blogger Me said...

I like #7....
Happy Birthday to you.....

August 21, 2005 5:44 AM  
Blogger Tara said...

Hey!!!! We have the same birthday. I was squeezed out into the world at 2:31 pm, 8/20/81. Hope you had some fun yesterday, whatever you did!

August 21, 2005 12:02 PM  
Blogger jellofishy said...

happy boithday!

August 21, 2005 2:07 PM  
Blogger kudos the kung fu fighter said...

when have you smelled 2 bums getting busy while chewing tobacco? and where....and why? that certainly has left a few unwanted mental images

August 21, 2005 2:51 PM  
Blogger Kellie said...

Lice...the great head check...yet another reason why teachers deserve more money...I should know...I'm one of those teachers doing the head check - while standing as far back as possible and wearing gloves....would prefer a plastic bubble...

August 21, 2005 5:35 PM  
Blogger Always Smiling said...

Wow...and so many men never took the 180 degree swing and realized what you did with your scratcher :) You are truly a visionary!

I enjoyed..and will be back! Thank you!

And I also do not know Beer Pong.and I'm from the Beer State!

August 21, 2005 6:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For the Niche Film Audience, Studios Are Appealing by Blog
Movie studios typically advertise on television and in newspapers in search of the biggest possible opening-weekend audience.
Bookmarked, nice to see some decent content for a change. FYI have you seen this we've got a new feature, the 'Flag blog' button, which is inconveniently located between the 'Get Your Own Blog' and 'Next Blog' buttons so that we would presumably be getting some flags on error alone (although if one happens to notice it, you can unflag a blog). I don't know about this, what one person finds offensive is anothers cup of tea? Just my 2 cents, Horoscope Readings Online .

August 21, 2005 7:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Blogging a baby: fun with autodialers
We're not on any "no-call" lists, and our credit profile isn't exactly stellar. We get a lot of calls from 800 numbers and "unknown name, unknown number." And I don't know why we never thought of this before.
Greetings, just blog surfing and saw you! Interested, go visit my Fruit of Life similar site. Maybe you like?

August 21, 2005 7:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great blog! Definitely going to bookmark!

I have a HIPPA site/blog. It pretty much covers HIPPA related stuff.

Feel free to check it out if you get time :-)
Also, if you're interested in a shared/reciprocal link, feel free to click on the icon. It's pretty much an automated process. Take care!

August 21, 2005 8:05 PM  
Blogger Horsey said...

Oh man, hilarious stuff! Thanks for the laugh.

August 21, 2005 10:22 PM  
Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK said...

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

Stolie

August 21, 2005 10:29 PM  
Blogger Sarah M. said...

I saw an article from Chicago, Il., entitled "Casual Friday is Everyday for Some." I thought for a moment that you had become really famous or something, but they were just talking about people wearing shorts to work everyday. The article would have been better if it were about you.

August 22, 2005 2:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

mmm tara reid can tic tac toe me anytime.

August 22, 2005 8:04 AM  
Blogger austinizer said...

mmm tara reid can tic tac toe me anytime.

August 22, 2005 8:04 AM  
Blogger The Megan said...

funny shite, as usual... ps you are linked.

August 22, 2005 9:24 AM  
Blogger Niesha said...

OMG My nephew was born on the same day and I pray that he is not as crazy as you are. Well Happy Birthday!!! I hope you get something from your wish list.

August 22, 2005 10:23 AM  
Blogger C Black - My old hacker alias said...

I had to be comment 100!

I just crapped my pants, laughing at comment 9.

http://secman.blogspot.com

August 22, 2005 11:36 AM  
Blogger ~*Bettie said...

numba one oh one!!


Woot!

August 22, 2005 4:06 PM  
Blogger Angela said...

ok. i've gotta go change. i peed my pants on #4. i work part time as a pharm tech and i can see some of those guys saying that.

August 22, 2005 4:26 PM  
Blogger blair said...

80s name: Asks where's the beef?
Lie of the day: I need another extension on my taxes... my dog ate my computer.

August 22, 2005 5:39 PM  
Blogger katie's brain said...

"3. Dreamt Tara Reid beat me in a game of tic-tac-toe in front of all my friends."

Impossible. No one is more retarded than Tara Reid. No one.

August 22, 2005 6:56 PM  
Blogger William AHN said...

How about your Monday?

Or Touesday?

August 22, 2005 10:26 PM  
Blogger Me said...

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY
Its time for a new POST.

August 23, 2005 4:53 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

So how was your birthday???

August 23, 2005 9:21 AM  
Blogger The Megan said...

stupid question, y'all... how do you add the pics to your profile/comments??

anyone??

August 23, 2005 1:17 PM  
Blogger blair said...

Ok. The suspense is killing me!!

Lie of the day: I can't come into work today I have a stomach virus and I am puking!

Hey Bri - Thanks for inspiring me to lie again. I had given it up for a while and had forgotten how much fun it is :)

August 23, 2005 3:09 PM  
Blogger Veracious said...

You've always got some funny shit on here. Great list.

August 23, 2005 3:20 PM  
Blogger Trixie said...

Dude was your birthday so good you are dead somehwere or what?

Hey everyone I think we need to send a search warrant out for Bri.

I think he Berr Ponged one too many!

Hey The Megan, it's called having a pic on your profile. Go from there then get bak to me.

August 23, 2005 3:46 PM  
Blogger The Megan said...

Thanks Trixie... I tried downloading this program, Hello, or something like that, to get the photos to work... but now that it's downloaded it's not letting me login to complete the next step.
I was hoping maybe it was just an HTML code I could cut and paste.

It's things like this that make me question my intelligence...

*sniff sniff*

August 23, 2005 3:52 PM  
Blogger The Megan said...

GOT IT!!

August 23, 2005 4:09 PM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

That guy named Rico looks like a guy I fucked up while driving my El Camino. Pretty boy who thinks he's tough. Nice cap. Nice Dirty Sanchez. Come to papa for a Donkey Punch.

August 24, 2005 1:12 AM  
Blogger Iron Benny said...

Hey,
Funny blog, that beer pong thing caught my attention. When I was in college at Weber State in Ogden, Utah I knew a guy from Chicago. He introduced us to beer pong and got all the mormons drunk as hell. Oh, and by the way, you don't scratch your balls, you pinch and roll them. When you invent a stick that can pinch and roll a good itch, let me know. Thanks for the laughs. Don't be ashamed of beer pong. Only the finest athletes are good at it.

September 12, 2005 8:06 PM  

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