Highlights of My Day
1. Felt old as I realized all the kids going back to school this week are being checked for lice, while my lice now goes unrecognized
2. Followed around a lady in the mall and kept whispering, "If you build it...they will come."
3. Dreamt Tara Reid beat me in a game of tic-tac-toe in front of all my friends
4. Wrote in a request to Eli Lilly that the Cialis slogan of "when the moment is right, will you be ready" be changed to "let's go right now biaaaaatch"
5. Started an underground Beer Pong* league at work
6. By turning a back scratcher 180 degrees, I invented a balls scratcher
7. Made a hitlist of all the kids that went to my high school that I felt were making hitlists
8. Kept asking the lady next to me on the train if I could hold her baby...she didn't have a baby
9. Discovered the fastest way to get through a long line is to crap your pants 10 seconds before
10. Began preparing for my birthday (Saturday, Aug. 20th, 5:25 pm) by blowing out some ladies candles on her retirement cake
*beer pong is a drinking game played by frat guys, sluts, and dudes with sideways trucker hats
Fart Flavor of the Day: two bums having sex while chewing tabacco
80's Name of the Day: Makes Out at Roller Rink
2. Followed around a lady in the mall and kept whispering, "If you build it...they will come."
3. Dreamt Tara Reid beat me in a game of tic-tac-toe in front of all my friends
4. Wrote in a request to Eli Lilly that the Cialis slogan of "when the moment is right, will you be ready" be changed to "let's go right now biaaaaatch"
5. Started an underground Beer Pong* league at work
6. By turning a back scratcher 180 degrees, I invented a balls scratcher
7. Made a hitlist of all the kids that went to my high school that I felt were making hitlists
8. Kept asking the lady next to me on the train if I could hold her baby...she didn't have a baby
9. Discovered the fastest way to get through a long line is to crap your pants 10 seconds before
10. Began preparing for my birthday (Saturday, Aug. 20th, 5:25 pm) by blowing out some ladies candles on her retirement cake
*beer pong is a drinking game played by frat guys, sluts, and dudes with sideways trucker hats
Fart Flavor of the Day: two bums having sex while chewing tabacco
80's Name of the Day: Makes Out at Roller Rink
posted by immixmarketer at 12:01 AM
77 Comments:
I'm sure your dream of Tara Reid involved a lot more then her beating you at tic tac toe.
what are the rules to this....beer pong you speak of? Hrmm?
I agree with Rena...Beer Pong...I'm intrigued...tell us more about this "Beer Pong"
You should start your own company and have ball scratchers come out of an assembly line. . . . you could be your own boss. . . youd make alot of money
And if you turn it another 180 degrees, you can use it to scratch your lice, too.... what an interesting combination.... back, balls, and lice.
-Rach-
P.S. Happy early birthday, Brian!
Impress her with priaprism...
Don't use that balls scratcher after scratching your lice ridden head, cause getting a brazilian ain't for hygenic purposes.
Thats odd that you posted your highlights on a day that hasn't happened yet....odd indeed.
i love your blog it absolutly halerious!
#4 made me burst out laughing as I work in the pharmaceutical industry. Hee hee, thanks for the laugh. I really needed it!
Rawbean - the day actually has happened over here in NZ. Spooky? Maybe.
And it is only 25 hours until Brian's birthday/time, so Happy Birthday Brian!
Also, if someone followed me round the mall, it would not be nearly as scary as someone following me while quoting Kevin Costner.
*shudder*
I like # 7. I think I'll make a kisslist of all the people I never had the courage to kiss in highschool.
If all your posts are titled similarly, many blood-sucking locusts have trouble with their live bookmarks.
Can consider adding a date or something?
And beware of the scratcher: unless you have proper instructions, it may become a vicious addiction.. Mine is built-into my office chair.. There's no need to mention that I skip most meetings..
yeah man. i agree with rawbean. is it the 19th already???
its the 19th where i am. dunno what crack all of you are on.
tara reid is dutty. but she used to be quite nice - i watched American Pie 2. quite yum.
btw.. if spin that ball scratcher another 180 degrees... u get an ass scratcher. oh yes..i think in 3D.
happy early b-day. i hope all ur farts come in all the flavors u've ever imagined.. and more.
I just moved to Chicago. How easy was it to get into the advertising industry? I've been looking for advertising / marketing jobs and have had close to no luck.
You make my nights! I live to come to work and read your blogg!
I've tried to do #9 before, unfortunately I have PE. Which brings me to #4.
Happy Birthday for tomorrow tiger! Thanks for brightening my day with your funny posts.
I enjoy your commentaries,how interesting, I spent the beeter part of my day looking for that money tree my kids think I have planted in the back yard:))hugs and smooches.
beeter?? I mean Better....
Now all i need do is find someone who has nothing better to do than check my spelling as I type:))
Hahahaha. This is good stuff.
I am a Beer Pong champ! I guess that makes me a whore.
(Or a trucker with a sideways baseball cap.)
I'm pretty sure Tara's too drunk to beat my four year old in tic-tac-toe. Plus he cheats like crazy.
signed,
secretly watched a little of Taradise's "Staggering with the Bulls" last night.
Dude you rock. My birthday is 8/27 at 8:12pm. You are totally twisted. I found your site from Cute Little Box
Whoever does that site is also completed deranged. Is it you?
two bums having sex while chewing tabacco
How do you know what that smells like?
I gotta try following someone around whispering "If you build it, they will come". Pure gold that is.
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday man... Take it ez on your balls with that thing. Looks like it could hurt a bit... That would definetly screw your sex life for sure.
Ouch. Nothing more embarrassing that not drawing the stalemate at Tic-tac-toe in the first place, but losing to Tara Reid would be the ultimate humiliation.
Keep up the good work, and happy birthday.
Your blog is my newest favorite. You CRACK me up. Hub and I have become daily readers!
Number four is my favorite.
Oh, and I like the lady with the baby.
Sheesh.
Brian, you are way too funny. Keep them coming.
btw, Happy Birthday.
Pretend I'm jumping out of a cake...
Happy Birthday, Mr. Friday.
I'm blowing you kisses.
Does strumpet scare anyone else besides me? Talk about oversexed...
Hope you have a great birthday B, and we get a great highlights of your day list out of it too!
How right you are. I love beer pong and am totally slutty.
I'm just kidding. I don't like beer pong.
Beer pong is also fun when you turn it into "Jell-O Pong" and place Jello-shots into the beer cups instead of beer...
Yay! Beer pong! And YAY for August birthdays!!!
Dear Anonymous,
BOO!
tara reid is a skank...but i would bang her.
Can I join your underground Beer pong league? I don't work with you and I won't tell you my real name, so that should keep things underground...
If you want to blow out candles on some old ladies retirement cake, maybe you should find an old lady WITH CANDLES ON HER RETIREMENT CAKE!
Cripes!
*I agree with Strumpet BOO Anonymous!!
*Imagine me jumping out of a whatever you want....
* If you hook up a battery to that scratcher thing you won't have to imagine what it would do your sex life you would know.
*The best way through a grocery line is to start freaking out and having a tantrum and people will let you pass!
HPBD2U
HPBD2U
HBDB
HBD2U
:)
Do you have lice?
I have fleas.
Let's hang out!
HBD
I'm bummed... I read all the comments in the vain hope I would learn the actual rules of beer pong (I can see the funny connection already, but I am missing the rules)... I went to college for 8 effin' years and I never heard of beer pong... WTF?!
And Happy B-Day...
You are the King Of All Blogs, Brian. I anxiously await your next! MORE!! MORE!! MORE!! YES!! YES!! YES!! ahhh, I feel like having a post coital cigarette.
By the way, if you want to know what "Beer Pong" is then just ask Jeeves!
What is Beer Pong?
"Beer Pong is the most aerobic drinking game I know. I learned it from my good friend, Scott Blair. (I don't know who this guy is??)
It's basically ping pong except each player places a large cup of beer on the center of the table, about one paddle length from the edge of the table.
The goal of the game is to smack the other player's cup with the ping pong ball, assuming the regular rules of your average ping pong game. Each time your cup is hit, you have to drink. Naturally. If the other player knocks your cup over with a particularly powerful smash, you have to clean the mess, get a fresh cup of beer, and down the entire contents. Is the room spinning yet?
Or if the other player manages to loft the ping pong ball, which has bounced on the floor, been licked by the dog, and collected enough fuzz to be officially considered angora, in such a way that the ball lands in your cup, you have to down the entire contents of the beer...fuzz and all. Ewwww. But the beer does have some medicinal qualities to prevent angora backlash.
You can make up your own special rules. You can keep score, but generally, a person loses when they have to drink the entire cup. Or if you have a large number of people eager to play, you should keep score and play to, say, 10.
On the other hand, and you're missing the ping pong table, ping pongs, paddles, you'll just have to drink yourself silly in other ways. "
I wonder if Fonzie is still reading??
Happy Birthday Brian!! Long live the KING!!!
Highlight of my day: following all your Blog Spam links.
Oh, I bought Fredo some chaps on my vacation--come over & check 'em out.
Happy birthday, you sick, sad, sexy boy.
Blair: Had a really cool post for you... but the computer ate it... so, I will leave you with just this...
Thanks.
Believe me... it was damn good the first go around.
Isn't your slogan for Cialis just a version of Redneck foreplay?
HBD.....Oh, and here, have a box of Rid for the lice and some Gold Bond Powder for the unseamly ball itch!
A hit list of hit listers. That motivates me to come up with my own, but I might be on that list.
I'm glad I'm not the only one that went to college for 8 effin' years.
Happy Birthday.
Hard to leave something fresh with 70 comments, but I was here (having a kilroy moment) and here I shall return.
Happy Birthday!
Trix, I could easily imagine you jumpin' out of lots of things...
And, by the way, I want one of your battery-operated scratcher thingos. I can also easily imagine lots of activities to accomplish with that particular toy.
I love beer pong!!!!
My Man will be happy to know there are others doin' the 180 with the scratcher.
Re: the cialis site and "living with ED" - do you think men around the world named ED cringe every time they read/hear the p.c. acronym of ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION? Do they mistakenly think someone is talking about them? Oh the pressure.
I see grounds for a class-action suit.
Happy Birthday! Mine is tomorrow.
Happy B-day to the king of the blogesphere!!
your day is more interesting then most others.. keep it going!
I like #7....
Happy Birthday to you.....
happy boithday!
Lice...the great head check...yet another reason why teachers deserve more money...I should know...I'm one of those teachers doing the head check - while standing as far back as possible and wearing gloves....would prefer a plastic bubble...
Blogging a baby: fun with autodialers
We're not on any "no-call" lists, and our credit profile isn't exactly stellar. We get a lot of calls from 800 numbers and "unknown name, unknown number." And I don't know why we never thought of this before.
Greetings, just blog surfing and saw you! Interested, go visit my Fruit of Life similar site. Maybe you like?
Oh man, hilarious stuff! Thanks for the laugh.
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!!!!
Stolie
I saw an article from Chicago, Il., entitled "Casual Friday is Everyday for Some." I thought for a moment that you had become really famous or something, but they were just talking about people wearing shorts to work everyday. The article would have been better if it were about you.
mmm tara reid can tic tac toe me anytime.
funny shite, as usual... ps you are linked.
ok. i've gotta go change. i peed my pants on #4. i work part time as a pharm tech and i can see some of those guys saying that.
80s name: Asks where's the beef?
Lie of the day: I need another extension on my taxes... my dog ate my computer.
"3. Dreamt Tara Reid beat me in a game of tic-tac-toe in front of all my friends."
Impossible. No one is more retarded than Tara Reid. No one.
How about your Monday?
Or Touesday?
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY
Its time for a new POST.
stupid question, y'all... how do you add the pics to your profile/comments??
anyone??
Ok. The suspense is killing me!!
Lie of the day: I can't come into work today I have a stomach virus and I am puking!
Hey Bri - Thanks for inspiring me to lie again. I had given it up for a while and had forgotten how much fun it is :)
Dude was your birthday so good you are dead somehwere or what?
Hey everyone I think we need to send a search warrant out for Bri.
I think he Berr Ponged one too many!
Hey The Megan, it's called having a pic on your profile. Go from there then get bak to me.
Thanks Trixie... I tried downloading this program, Hello, or something like that, to get the photos to work... but now that it's downloaded it's not letting me login to complete the next step.
I was hoping maybe it was just an HTML code I could cut and paste.
It's things like this that make me question my intelligence...
*sniff sniff*
GOT IT!!
That guy named Rico looks like a guy I fucked up while driving my El Camino. Pretty boy who thinks he's tough. Nice cap. Nice Dirty Sanchez. Come to papa for a Donkey Punch.
Hey,
Funny blog, that beer pong thing caught my attention. When I was in college at Weber State in Ogden, Utah I knew a guy from Chicago. He introduced us to beer pong and got all the mormons drunk as hell. Oh, and by the way, you don't scratch your balls, you pinch and roll them. When you invent a stick that can pinch and roll a good itch, let me know. Thanks for the laughs. Don't be ashamed of beer pong. Only the finest athletes are good at it.
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