Monday, July 11, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Got double-dog-dared
2. Successfully opened a Capri-Sun on my first try
3. Drank a 40 oz. ...poured some out for my homies
4. Booked O-Town to perform at my grandparents 65th anniversary
5. Declared I will be the winner of this years Publishers Clearing House $1,000,000 contest
6. Fed my neighbor's dog some Pop Rocks
7. Watched an Irish Setter try to figure what the fuck was happening to him
8. Practiced doing spit takes
9. Officially re-named my nuts from "Simon" and "Garfunkle" to "Lionel" and "Richie"
10. Continue to be turned on by the commercials


Blogger cpwool said...

I named my nuts, Jake and the Fat Man

July 11, 2005 8:12 AM  
Blogger cpwool said...

How was the weekend Bri-guy, you get a job

The mayor of Crown Point mistook me for one of the retarded kids, that I was helping out.

July 11, 2005 8:13 AM  
Blogger immixmarketer said...

Umm...okay drunk at a wedding...I'm expecting the job offer to come in on Wednesday...
I might tell them I need a new car, and a place downtown to make the committment, but a blowjob from my boss' assistant might seal the deal.

July 11, 2005 8:19 AM  
Blogger Forkspaman said...

Hey Bri,

New to the whole blog thing. Yours is the only one I read beginning to end. I don't think I've laughed this hard in ages. "You rock dude" as my 8 year old would say. Look forward to your highlights everyday now

July 11, 2005 8:29 AM  
Blogger Alecia said...

I'm impressed with the Capri-Sun skills. I never get it on the first try and my straw usually ends up just a mangled piece of plastic by the end. Sucks.

Gold star for you!


July 11, 2005 8:32 AM  
Blogger Alecia said...

PS - do you think that Lionel the Nut is pissed off at Richie the Nut for getting the better name?


July 11, 2005 8:33 AM  
Blogger immixmarketer said...

Lionel has better hair though.

July 11, 2005 8:36 AM  
Blogger melissa said...

What did you get double dog dared to do?

P/S You've inspired me to do a blog of the week - can I do you first...wait that came out wrong...oh well its Monday - fuck it.

July 11, 2005 8:39 AM  
Blogger hmmmmm said...

So did you take the dare or what? You could have held out for the triple, you know.

July 11, 2005 8:46 AM  
Blogger spelchek said...

Freaking hilarious.

Lionel and Richie eh?

Meet Batman and Robin!

July 11, 2005 8:53 AM  
Blogger Nikki said...

O-Town rocks!!!

July 11, 2005 9:00 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

I named mine BJ and the Bear.

July 11, 2005 9:00 AM  
Blogger Notta Wallflower said...

No Yogi and BooBoo for names? Such a memorable and likable pair. :-P

July 11, 2005 9:04 AM  
Blogger Armymomof2 said...


July 11, 2005 9:06 AM  
Blogger immixmarketer said...

About the double-dog dare...
So I got wasted at a wedding, and people enjoy my ability to do stupid shit when I'm wasted, so long story shot, after the reception, at a comedy club with terrible comedians, I was dared to throw one of the rolls from our table at the guy on stage.
I did, I missed by a good 3 feet, but it did get me free drinks that night.

July 11, 2005 9:09 AM  
Blogger Kim Bundy said...

You HAVE to pour one out for the homies!!!! That is hilarious.

July 11, 2005 9:27 AM  
Blogger TNJeepGal said...

O-Town? How much does it cost to book those guys these days? Fives of tens of dollars? Your grandparents are in for a pretty classy time!

July 11, 2005 9:27 AM  
Blogger Will Irby said...

My nuts are named Steve and Earl...although I dont really know why.....

July 11, 2005 9:46 AM  
Blogger Kim Plaintive said...

Why are you guys so down on O-Town? Maybe if you knew a little bit more about them you wouldn't make such ignorant insults. Please visit the O-Town fan site portion of my blog.

July 11, 2005 9:48 AM  
Blogger immixmarketer said...

Kim Plaintive:
Don't be an ass.

July 11, 2005 9:59 AM  
Anonymous Shane said...

Well, like it says on our profile. They ain't Def Leppard, & if it ani't Def Leppard we don't give a rat's ass.

July 11, 2005 10:01 AM  
Anonymous Shane said...

And apparently I can't spell today either.

July 11, 2005 10:04 AM  
Blogger Cindy Elavsky said...

I always poke the CapriSun straw through both layers of the foil-plasticy container and then all I get is air, yo! CapriSunning is hard.

July 11, 2005 10:36 AM  
Blogger mofo said...

No matter what!

Once you finally break through the barrier of unpunctureable foil of the CapriSun with the supreme piercing tool they provide you with, it always squirts a little bit out at you. ALWAYS.
They should glue one of those Handi-Wipes packets to the back of that thing also because that shit is just annoying.

July 11, 2005 11:04 AM  
Blogger Zanderlilly said...

I thought I was the only one who got turned on by commercials. Why the hell DOES she talk like that anyway?

July 11, 2005 11:23 AM  
Blogger *Natalia* said...

You should have given him pop rocks and Pepsi. The Pepsi would just be to wash the pop rocks down.

July 11, 2005 11:24 AM  
Blogger julie said...

"And's all about the gold."


The only time it's all about the gold is when you're Run DMC, circa 1988. The gold, and the unlaced kicks.

July 11, 2005 11:57 AM  
Blogger Alex said... it's all about the O my god, that chick got naked to show off a necklace. Pan down! Pan down! For the love of christ, you fatass, camera-toting bum, pan down!

July 11, 2005 12:06 PM  
Blogger marriedman said...

I named mine Larry and Balky ( i fucking loved TGIF on ABC).
O-Town is quite possibly the best group known to man (by that I mean they suck harder than my 14 year old cousin....and he sucks hard!)

July 11, 2005 12:18 PM  
Blogger oldman71 said...

Personally, I refer to my nuts as 'Johnson & Johnson', but hey....that's just me.

As for the Capri-Sun, excellent execution, but damn that stuff shouldn't be fed to a lab monkey.

Have some PBR instead. It's just as fruity.

July 11, 2005 12:29 PM  
Blogger oldman71 said...

Oh, and by the way...

I'm sorry to inform you that I may already have the winning number to Publisher's Clearinghouse.

It's a lock, man.

July 11, 2005 12:32 PM  
Blogger Nathan said...

immixmarketer why are you so down on Kim Plaintive? Maybe if you knew a little bit more about her you wouldn't make such ignorant insults. Please visit the Kim Plaintive blog.

July 11, 2005 1:14 PM  
Blogger allison said...

Maybe you should've taken the physical challenge so you could go down a hot fudge slide to land in whip cream....or better yet, run around in that human sized hamster wheel.

July 11, 2005 1:18 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Wow I knew some guys named their "winkies" but the balls too, my I had no idea! I have no names for my boobs, I just call them the girls! Maybe I should name them....any suggestions?

July 11, 2005 1:47 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

You'll have to show pics; otherwise, how will we be able to make appropriate suggestions?

July 11, 2005 1:49 PM  
Blogger immixmarketer said...

Mike took the words right out of my mouth...and your boobs.
Umm...I will give it some thought, but lets stay away from the trites of Lavern and Shirley....

To my readers...if somebody can name Crystal's boobs better than me (I will have an independant judge) then you will win a prize.

July 11, 2005 2:15 PM  
Blogger R2K said...

The titular characters in her novel?

July 11, 2005 2:37 PM  
Blogger Dan Weyand said...

christ! you get turned on by the Overstock commercials too? i thought i was the only one. that woman is disturbingly sexy and even though i hate it, she turns me on.

July 11, 2005 2:59 PM  
Blogger marriedman said...

I don't really have any possible names for crystals boobs, I haven't seen them and as mike has already stated I can't properly name them. For all I know they could be small and in that case I might have to name them "nickle and dime". On the other hand they might be uneven, which I might name them something retarted like "Dustin and Diamond". Or she might be missing a nipple on her left breast in which case I would call her "my 2nd cousin"

July 11, 2005 3:19 PM  
Blogger melissa said...

I'm voting for Betty and Veronica - I just like the sound of that. Maybe I need to name mine.

July 11, 2005 3:30 PM  
Blogger Duncan MacEachern said...

Thanks for being on the Earth and making my day much better than it started out.

I really, REALLY hope that you go into Stand Up Comedy. Your material is fabulous and straight up.

July 11, 2005 4:25 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

Again...need to see 'em to be sure, but my nominations--
if ample - Good &Plenty
if small - Itty & Bitty
if mismatched - Skipper & little buddy
if assertive and firm - Cagney & Lacey
if saggy - Down & Out

July 11, 2005 4:26 PM  
Blogger Duncan MacEachern said...

PS... I've named mine Sonny, Fredo, & Michael!

July 11, 2005 4:28 PM  
Blogger oldman71 said...

How about Heaven and Hell...Crystal, I'll leave it up to you which is which.


July 11, 2005 4:45 PM  
Blogger Samantha said...

duncan, i can't tell if you have 3 balls or 3 boobs. either way, that's just screwed.

July 11, 2005 4:47 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Hey Brian!
Maybe it's 'cuz I'm Canadian, and this is some wierd cultural phenomenon of which I am unaware(or maybe we have a different name for the verb/noun/whatever it may be), but, what are "spit takes"?
Excuse my humble Canadian ignorance, eh?! :)

July 11, 2005 5:04 PM  
Blogger Joanna said...

I hope they play "Liquid Dreams," grandparents love that.

July 11, 2005 5:27 PM  
Blogger sunshine said...

Brian, you are nuts lol. I been sitting here reading all this crazy shit, and damn near pissed my pants.

July 11, 2005 5:44 PM  
Blogger R2K said...

:) Itchy and Scratchy?

July 11, 2005 6:35 PM  
Blogger Stefanie said...

Sometimes I cry during the Sylvan Learning Center commercials...

July 11, 2005 7:39 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Thanks for your prompt response to my dim-witted question, Brian!
By the way, you've successfully managed to induce a few exceptional "spit takes" from me!
Much thanks!
Hope to hear from you soon, too!

July 11, 2005 7:42 PM  
Blogger Sten said...

Interesting Blog. Clever!

July 11, 2005 8:06 PM  
Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Boob names:

Sonny & Cher (y'know, one for the sonny and a share...)

Yin & Yang

The Peakes Sisters (Tamnee and Rosie)

just a few suggestions.

July 11, 2005 8:23 PM  
Blogger Spinning Girl said...

That's TAWNEE and Rosie--
dyslexia, oh my dog!!!

July 11, 2005 8:24 PM  
Blogger Blather said...

Did you know that chick in the Overstock commercials is German? It's obvious when you listen to her say "gooOOoold".

July 11, 2005 8:38 PM  
Blogger Blather said...

Ooh! How about Scarecrow and Mrs. King?

July 11, 2005 8:39 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

July 11, 2005 8:53 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

My name is Brian and I love lists:)
Fun blog. I'll be back.

July 11, 2005 8:58 PM  
Blogger ltlme said...

i wonder what would really happen if a dog was fed pop rocks. hrm.....

July 11, 2005 9:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude, i hear you, that overstock commercial chick is hot!

July 11, 2005 9:18 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

Nicely named nuts.
My major achievement of the day* is not doing a freakin' thing. And they still pay me?!

*Tis Tuesday here. Maybe I shouldn't had that reisling last night.

July 11, 2005 10:02 PM  
Blogger Sam said...

ahah this blog rules! linkage time =]

July 11, 2005 10:58 PM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

I double-dog dare you to ask the members of O-Town what they've named their own nuts during their, (I'm sure to be astoundingly spectacular,) performance at the g-rents shindig. I'm impressed you were able to book them, as I've heard they've broken up. You should charge 200 bucks a pop for this thing. I'm sure you'd make bank.

As for my suggestion in the titty-naming competition:

Lisa Lisa & the Cult Jam

I only want to win if the prize is some sort of sexual favour. Or booze.

July 11, 2005 11:54 PM  
Blogger im here somewhere said...

ya, pretty sure im gonna win the publishers clearinghouse..unless we have the same that you thats been sitting outside my door? go away pervert!

oh, and i think she should name them chrissy and janet in honor of john ritter. he would have liked that..

*pouring some out for my homey john*

btw, ive never been here before so i hope you dont get offended by me stopping by and harrassing you..

July 11, 2005 11:57 PM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

I never named my nuts or my weasel, but I do call the whole package my skin-satchel and wizard staff.

July 11, 2005 11:57 PM  
Blogger Berniann said...

okay... just out cruisin the web and and found your blog...

i have learned s'thing new...

i knew guys named their cocks, but i never knew they named their ballz too...

makes me think i should name the girlz...


July 12, 2005 12:12 AM  
Blogger BadGod said...

Boob names.

Six Grand Sisters?
(How much does a titty job cost?)

Or are they real?

By the way, Six Grand Sisters would be a great band name.
Or Not. Whatever.

July 12, 2005 12:46 AM  
Blogger BadGod said...

Oh, yeah my right nut is named Vasect and left one is named Calvin the Cutted.

July 12, 2005 12:48 AM  
Blogger EvasiveJay said...

turned on by overstock? which one the girl who talks naked or the indian girls...heheh nice site

July 12, 2005 12:51 AM  
Blogger Rayner said...

I thought O town was extinct???

July 12, 2005 12:52 AM  
Blogger silent velcro said...

it amazes me that u get a brazillion (yes it is a number...says me) comments wen really u dont say anything of interest. dont get me wrong i luv reading bout the highlights of ur day, theyre just as unteresting as mine. so i solute u and ur ability to force ppl to comment with little effort.

July 12, 2005 1:22 AM  
Blogger PopeBenedictXVI said...

Great site, but I sense you are lacking in the spiritual department. Come join the Confusionist faith, the official religion for the London 2012 Olympics, at:

July 12, 2005 1:44 AM  
Blogger Justice said...

I've never named my breasts...always thought maybe to call them the ever cliche "twins", but seeing as how I plan on piercing one of them (damn it's expensive) I think I'll name mine Heavy and Metal. That other chick, maybe "David Copperfield" and "Bob Sagget"? Just for shiggles.

And by the way...O-Town, for your Grandparents? Don't you think they'd prefer something a little more serious like Soulfly? Or Cannibal Corpse? Or maybe even a little Mindless Self Indulgence?

-funny blog

July 12, 2005 5:12 AM  
Blogger Call Emily said...

Don't you think pop rocks will kill the dog? I guess not as long as you don't give him a coke too.

July 12, 2005 6:08 AM  
Blogger THEonlyGOALIE said...

Love reading your blog. I make lists of all the crap I have to do in a day while I sit at work and never get them done. Maybe I should make a list at the end of the day of things I actually did so I don't feel like a loser for never getting the first list done.

July 12, 2005 7:30 AM  
Blogger Perdita said...

very disappointed by the pictures of what I "expected" from Lionel and Richie

July 12, 2005 7:33 AM  
Blogger im here somewhere said...

i am also obsessed with "gleaming the cube"
it might have been christian slaters best work..ok, it was his best. where is he anyway?

July 12, 2005 8:00 AM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

Is it just me, or am I the only one intensely bothered by people leaving comments such as, "Hey, great site. Found it while surfing. Check out my blog." That or one of its thousand variations. Fuck you people and your pimping. Earn your traffic with good content, bitches.

July 12, 2005 8:12 AM  
Blogger UnBelEsprit said...

mine are lefty and righty,
hubby's are benny and the jets!
love the site!

July 12, 2005 9:10 AM  
Anonymous Kim said...

Great blog! Will definately be back to check it out again!

July 12, 2005 9:11 AM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

Fredo, your hair rocks! I want to run my fingers through it as you attend to my un-named breasts. Don't change.

July 12, 2005 9:17 AM  
Blogger Notta Wallflower said...

For naming the tatas, I think it should be Thelma and Louise.

July 12, 2005 9:39 AM  
Blogger Nikki said...

Hey great site! I found it while surfing. Come check out my blog!

July 12, 2005 10:02 AM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

jen, you are so evil! I just spent the last 30 minutes reading all these comments with my boob names in mind and then your comment, the last comment, stole away my glory! Ok, I think I have one that is better anyway--how about Lady and the Tramp?

I have given Pop Rocks to dogs before. Totally safe.

July 12, 2005 11:23 AM  
Blogger jenn see said...

now that's a special day.

those capri suns are a bitch.

July 12, 2005 11:27 AM  
Blogger bRuTha nUmBa1 said...

i know u really didn't do half the shit u write 'bout, but it's pretty funny anyway dude. keep'em comin..

July 12, 2005 11:29 AM  
Blogger immixmarketer said...

I'm still not satisfied with the boob results...yes I did feed the dog Pop Rocks, and yes he was fine...a little stunned, but all was good.

July 12, 2005 11:48 AM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

I hate to leave a man unsatisfied, so I shall try about...

S & M

July 12, 2005 12:18 PM  
Blogger cpwool said...

After trying to name breasts I have given up, but in my search. I decided to not only name my breasts but also re-name my nuts.

Left breast=Morgan
Right breast= Stanley
Left Nut=Dean
Right Nut=Witter

July 12, 2005 1:09 PM  
Blogger Notta Wallflower said...

I picked Thelma and Louise because tatas can get a woman attention, they can get us free drinks, but occasionally they can get us in trouble. Often times to the point of becoming fugitives and running from the law only to gun the engine and drive into a deep chasm. :-P

July 12, 2005 3:35 PM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

I drank a 40-ounce Diet Rockstar at work today and cranked up the Stryper. Then when people complained, I beat them all down with my ass neck and lamb-nipples. I also BG'd (Bee-geed)their keyboards and mice while they were away.

Oh, PS - BG stands for butt grease.

July 12, 2005 5:34 PM  
Blogger The Husband said...

my nuts are named fred and ricky. those capri sun's are a bitch to open.

July 13, 2005 10:47 AM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

Dearest Boy Friday:

I'm beginning to think you're a bit of a tease...How much longer are you going to keep us in suspense over the breast-naming competition? If no one is deemed worthy of the prize, at least let us know what the prize would have been. Or, start a new game where we might have a chance at winning it. Cos playing with you is so much fun!

July 13, 2005 12:17 PM  
Blogger thatfarmgirl said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

July 13, 2005 2:41 PM  
Blogger Berniann said...

thanks to you I have decided to name the girls...

Lefty is Lila and righty is Shiba - both biblical name of women who caused the destruction of man - Dililah and Bethshiba!!!


still loving your blog,
=) B.

July 13, 2005 11:52 PM  
Blogger sj-the-infamous said...

Pop rocks to the dog is hysterical...

My boobs are named Thunder and Lightning...they are quite a show!

Ha ha ha

July 14, 2005 2:12 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

cpwool -

Left breast=Morgan
Right breast= Stanley
Left Nut=Dean
Right Nut=Witter


It's realy bizarre to see all these guys faces on the posts and know what they named their nuts. Scary images...I just keep seeing one-eyed monsters everywhere!! Thanks for the comic relief!!

July 14, 2005 8:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my boobs are called....



November 26, 2005 7:09 AM  

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