Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. A bird collided into my apartment window
2. Either the same bird or it's equally retarded cousin did the same thing 10 minutes later
3. Ate cereal for both breakfast and lunch
4. Saved money by testing out golf clubs for an hour at Dicks Sporting Goods instead of going to the driving range
5. Was reminded for the 3rd day in a row that I had corn last Friday
6. Started a terrorist group that is against terrorists...the 71 virgins should be awesome
7. Faked interest in a new iPod just to check my e-mails at the Apple store
8. Fell into a self-induced coma due to an extraordinary amount of Chinese food
9. Began worrying if those tiny corns in Chinese food have the same effect as regular corn
10. Determined my new alias at hotels will be "Mr. Ugly"


Blogger BushCheney08 said...

Yeah birds used to fly in my window. . . they all died. . . I have thier heads lined up on my wall!

July 12, 2005 11:41 AM  
Blogger marriedman said...


July 12, 2005 11:46 AM  
Blogger Shwagon said...

the highlight of my day is blogging at work.

July 12, 2005 11:52 AM  
Blogger marriedman said...

all i do is blog, I'm going to loose my job.

July 12, 2005 11:53 AM  
Blogger UnBelEsprit said...

wow..you lead a busy life. I told my son last night that the cereal and honey bun he ate was his dinner so I wouldn't have to cook anything.

July 12, 2005 11:54 AM  
Blogger echovillegirl said...

lucky charms are better than kellogs crap... :)

July 12, 2005 11:55 AM  
Blogger blogglegum said...

You may be on to something--cereal time-travel. Start the day with grown-up cereal, then relive your childhood through Lucky Charms and Cap'n Crunch. By dinner, you could be on formula! (Be careful of Frosted Mini-Wheats; you might become one of those creepy kids in their dad's suits.)

July 12, 2005 12:01 PM  
Blogger Moron Finder said...

Congratulations! You are a recipient of the Useless Person Award!

July 12, 2005 12:02 PM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

No worries...the baby corn doesn't have the same effect. I work in a Chinese restuarant. I eat them all the time. However, regular corn makes for much more interesting looking bowel movements.

Poor, little birdies. Unless they were pigeons. Fuck the pigeons. They're all over our city shitting all over the place. They should eat more corn.

July 12, 2005 12:09 PM  
Blogger oldman71 said...

Pigeons eating corn?!! What kind of maniac are you?

July 12, 2005 12:13 PM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

I have faked interest in new cell phones to check my e-mail at Radio shack before

July 12, 2005 12:16 PM  
Blogger Alice said...

BAH! (<-- that is the noise that comes out instead of snorting sometimes when i'm trying not to make it obvious i'm laughing at non-work websites) corn.. three days in a row... hahaha.... love it

July 12, 2005 12:17 PM  
Anonymous Shane said...

The highlight of my day was listening to my buddy describe Steven Seagal as a "fat headed wop"

July 12, 2005 12:23 PM  
Blogger immixmarketer said...

Get fired for blogging, its awesome!
I would love to hear who I won the Useless Person Award over...I bet it was between me, comedian Joey Gladstone, and the guy who invented the Useless Person Award.

July 12, 2005 12:25 PM  
Blogger Just Me said...

I'll have to try the fake intrest to check my email. I love useless blogs, they're the funniest.

July 12, 2005 12:30 PM  
Blogger Tammy said...

Came across this Blog site between calls at work today. Had to start my own. Your sense of humor rocks! Thanks for making me laugh at work.

July 12, 2005 12:35 PM  
Blogger marriedman said...

I know you are jealous but I thought I'd let you know that I have in my possession an autographed picture of none other than Dave Coulier ( i bought it off a homeless man for a stamp and three stale cheetos).

July 12, 2005 12:44 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

Try eating a bunch of dark blue frosting (a Batman birthday cake). I thought I had an exotic disease until I figured out what happened.
Really...try it. You get more than you'd think.
I won't ruin the surprise.

July 12, 2005 1:08 PM  
Blogger melissa said...

I did the whole faking interest to check my email thing too - I think it was at a gateway store. Then I got bored and started playing online games - the guy thought I was totally into the computer but in reality I was kicking someone's ass at Scrabble.

Self induced coma from Chinese food....classic.

July 12, 2005 1:18 PM  
Blogger mofo said...

I wish Joey Gladstone/Dave Coulier would fly head-first into your window. Twice.

Especially if your windows are made of brick.

July 12, 2005 1:54 PM  
Blogger Kim Plaintive said...

Ms. Strumpet: how dare you wish death upon the poor pigeons of the city! Never mind that they eat the vomit of drunk white boys and I once saw one crack open a battery with its beak -- they're still living beings and don't deserve to die at the hands of man's murderously evil glass windows.

July 12, 2005 1:57 PM  
Blogger Stefanie said...

I don't know why but I just don't like Baklavah.

July 12, 2005 1:58 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

You're not slightly concerned about the number of suicidal birds flying into your home?
It's a tad Stephen King'ish. ;)

July 12, 2005 2:14 PM  
Blogger sdcapes said...

man, i call thee genius

July 12, 2005 2:17 PM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

Today is my birthday!

July 12, 2005 2:35 PM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

July 12, 2005 2:35 PM  
Blogger allison said...

Happy Birthday!!!

July 12, 2005 2:42 PM  
Blogger Mercy said...

Now I'm going home to eat some cereal.

July 12, 2005 2:56 PM  
Blogger Honey said...

I love you, Brian. Come, let us run away together and join a nudist colony where we can feel free to "hang out" anytime we wanted!!!

July 12, 2005 3:01 PM  
Blogger The Jeff said...

you know, if you stick crap, like pictures, to your window, pigeons won't fly into it; they fly into them because of outdoor reflections, but you can prevent that with random stick'ems. that's right, stick'ems. unless you like dead birds, which happen to be a delicacy in europe.

July 12, 2005 3:02 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Eating corn is like giving your stomach bad renters. They take up your space for awhile, trash the place and then leave a pile of shit in their wake...

July 12, 2005 3:08 PM  
Blogger ~*Bettie said...

I think I just checked in a guy that looks like mr. Ug- I mean you! Ain't that super! And with all the violence in the world you'd think there'd be a help group for these window challenged, suicidal birdies!

Oh what a world!

I linked you. Yo.


July 12, 2005 4:13 PM  
Blogger MOSES said...



July 12, 2005 4:14 PM  
Blogger ~*Bettie said...

And just for sheer curiosity, and be cause you have so many visitors. . .

Does anyone know of a blog or blogs that are written by other hotel clerks/staff?



July 12, 2005 4:39 PM  
Blogger allison said...

Brian- I made the list you asked me for....its posted under your comments on my blog. Hope it helps!!

July 12, 2005 4:49 PM  
Blogger JulieB said...

Mike, blue fruit-gushers work just as well as blue frosting. I wonder what would happen if you eat different colored fruit-gushers...

July 12, 2005 4:58 PM  
Blogger hmmmmm said...

Was there a final vote for the names of crystals boobs? I have been sitting on the edge of my chair all day! I was thinking of Puff and Stuff for my own.

July 12, 2005 5:11 PM  
Blogger Stefanie said...

I would like to kill all people who have hobbies.

July 12, 2005 5:18 PM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

Fuck on a fucking fuck stick! Stop pimping your blogs, bitches. Just give the guy his props for being funny and move the fuck along. Or, if you have any fucking comments, let 'em rip!

Thanks for wishing me a HB, Allison!

July 12, 2005 5:30 PM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

PS - Stryper RULES!!!!!!!!!!!

July 12, 2005 5:30 PM  
Blogger alley said...

blue frosting, huh. I've had intersting results with raspberry Ice crystal light. Or anything red. And just to be blatant about it, I write my blogs to be read, so go read them!

July 12, 2005 5:47 PM  
Blogger Alecia said...

the 71 virgins... are they all prepubescent? How did you find so many? Do you have costumes of any kind, special suits?

July 12, 2005 6:17 PM  
Blogger Lake Allison said...

Being useless is a compliment for a blog.

Can you imagine a useful blog?

July 12, 2005 7:12 PM  
Anonymous jrh said...

I think the birds is more Hitchcock'ish than King'ish...

July 12, 2005 7:23 PM  
Blogger alley said...

King did birds too, sparrows, inthat one about the writer with the split personality. They made a movie out of it. Can't think what it was called though. (I hate that!)

July 12, 2005 8:06 PM  
Blogger Veracious said...

I've totally been there with the Chinese food. The whole thought of the birds is disturbing to me. You must use that new Windex product. Who knew. It really works.

July 12, 2005 8:15 PM  
Blogger Veeba said...

i wish my life was half as exciting as yours. the most exciting thing that happens during my day is eating and blogging...oh yea and 4 o'clock cuz that's when i get to go home!

July 12, 2005 8:28 PM  
Blogger im here somewhere said...

yuck, that picture of mr, ugly just made me throw up alittle.

and yes, all corn has the same effect, no matter how you eat it.

July 12, 2005 8:37 PM  
Blogger alley said...

the scret to gorging on chinese food is pacing. and have you ever noticed that you can be stuffed with the stuff, and then game for more ten minutes later?

July 12, 2005 8:45 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Hey Brian,
The best thing about multiple-meal cereal is the free stuff in the box.... don't ya agree? I still have the pot o' gold tattoo I got from Lucky Charms years ago! Now, they're putting CD's and junk in there.... whatever happened to those good ol' plastic toys that looked so spectacular on the box, but were such a dissappointment after five minutes of digging around, elbow deep in Capt'n Crunch?

July 12, 2005 8:54 PM  
Blogger desertdiamond said...

This was great...no wait, I had Frosted Flakes for breakfast today and 'they' were grreat

Thanks for making me laugh, that's not a useless thing at all. :) So congrats on the award anyway.

July 12, 2005 9:40 PM  
Blogger Samantha said...

I've faked interest in sex for a free dinner, is that the same thing?

July 12, 2005 9:56 PM  
Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Speaking of prizes, has anyone else noticed the downward slide of Cracker Jack prizes? They used to be pretty cool, you could even get a mini pinball machine (HOURS of bus ride pleasure) and now you get...what, a stupid picture of a clown. As if I don't already have a million on them on every wall of my house! jeez!

July 12, 2005 9:58 PM  
Blogger Rabin said...

Funny! Enjoyed reading your blog.

July 12, 2005 10:02 PM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

Hopefully the pigeons at least caught a buzz off the drunken white-boy vomit. Oh no, wait...that might cause them to run into more windows....damn.

The Stephen King book with the birdies....The Dark Half. Good shit.

Happy Birthday, Fredo! If you're a good boy I'll jump out of a cake for you to any Stryper tune you want.

July 12, 2005 10:55 PM  
Blogger Sam said...

why mr. ugly?? thats so unclassy... you should think up something daring and exciting... like 'Joe' or 'Stew' that would be amazing! ;-p

I wish I could win a useless person award... damn howd you get so lucky!! congratz! lol some ppl are too funny

July 12, 2005 11:03 PM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

I just ate some chinese food in my El Camino while listening to Stryper's "To Hell with the Devil" on cassette. And I thought of Strumpet jumping out of cake and my skin-satchel and wizard staff saluted in wholehearted agreement.

July 12, 2005 11:41 PM  
Blogger Horsey said...

Kill It with FIRE!

July 13, 2005 12:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No! Kill it with Machine Gweher 42! MG42 Cosmodork Achtung!

July 13, 2005 12:17 AM  
Blogger Horsey said...


July 13, 2005 12:18 AM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

I heard a rumour that Useless People are the best lays. I need a listing of all past award winners.

July 13, 2005 12:52 AM  
Blogger Nikhil said...

hey brian how have u been man, hope u remember me!! check my blog out just posted a new poem... take care... and why dont birds bump in my windows!!!

July 13, 2005 2:06 AM  
Blogger Yer Daddy said...

1. Farted underwater in the pool and followed the bubbles up to the surface.

2. Asked my wife, "Is everything okay?" then immediately fired up the coffee grinder.

3. Convinced everyone that I am my own Grandpa.(but still yer daddy)

4. Made up my new slogan: THERE IS NO "I" IN "TEAM", BUT THERE IS A DYSEXIC "ME"

5. Whipped the 9 year old neighbor kid at H-O-R-S-E and really rubbed it in.

6. Said no to drugs, but they just don't get it. They're like door-to-door salesmen. No means maybe. Maybe means yes.

7. Blogged a doozy, another vicious diatribe against all things that are not me.

8. Made breakfast for the kids and let them each place their order; no limits. We had omelets and strawberry waffles and bagel sandwiches and Pop Tarts. Kind of like the anti-you.

9. Didn't earn a single damn dollar.

10. Contemplated that if YOU were really HONEST, every day's list would include whacking off.

July 13, 2005 2:16 AM  
Blogger lostandfound said...

I can't stop blogging..topics are running out of me.

July 13, 2005 3:51 AM  
Blogger The Other Half said...

i have to alter the time entries of my blog so people don't think i'm blocking at work!!

July 13, 2005 5:23 AM  
Blogger sugar said...

corn and peanuts, are just terrible to our digestive systems.
... back away from the corn!!

July 13, 2005 5:41 AM  
Blogger R2K said...

Whats wrong with peanuts! :)

July 13, 2005 7:02 AM  
Blogger Judith said...

Corn is very, very bad. It's ugly when it takes its revenge.

July 13, 2005 7:15 AM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

I whack-off every day. Sometimes two or three times a day. If I break out the Bentley, (my most favourite of sextoys,) it might even be closer to seven times.

Self-love is a very important part of life.

You can't expect someone else to love you if you don't love yourself.

July 13, 2005 9:02 AM  
Blogger The Husband said...

this blog is nutty like squirrel shit. keep up the good work!

July 13, 2005 10:46 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

Yes - the correct answer was The Dark Half by Stephen King.

You win nada!

July 14, 2005 3:54 PM  
Blogger Strumpet said...


You're hot. And can I just say....that shirt....amazing.

July 15, 2005 9:22 AM  
Blogger jdubbyya said...

cracked at the corn highlight... you musta ate a crapload of that.

July 15, 2005 1:21 PM  
Blogger Mongooser said...

death unto all feathered rats worldwide (especially trained, formation pooping types).

Like the anti-terrorist terrorist idea - can I start a cell in the notoriously terrorist cell infected Bathurst, Australia? Our terrorists planned many bombings but in the true Aussie spirit said stuff like 'nah couldnt be buggered...the footy is on.. wheres me dole cheque?'

July 16, 2005 6:05 PM  
Blogger gunngirl said...

Dude, I'm in Chicago too and I TOTALLY go into the Apple store to check my email, and ebay, and download movie trailers.

July 24, 2005 7:15 PM  

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