Highlights of My Day
1. A bird collided into my apartment window
2. Either the same bird or it's equally retarded cousin did the same thing 10 minutes later
3. Ate cereal for both breakfast and lunch
4. Saved money by testing out golf clubs for an hour at Dicks Sporting Goods instead of going to the driving range
5. Was reminded for the 3rd day in a row that I had corn last Friday
6. Started a terrorist group that is against terrorists...the 71 virgins should be awesome
7. Faked interest in a new iPod just to check my e-mails at the Apple store
8. Fell into a self-induced coma due to an extraordinary amount of Chinese food
9. Began worrying if those tiny corns in Chinese food have the same effect as regular corn
10. Determined my new alias at hotels will be "Mr. Ugly"
2. Either the same bird or it's equally retarded cousin did the same thing 10 minutes later
3. Ate cereal for both breakfast and lunch
4. Saved money by testing out golf clubs for an hour at Dicks Sporting Goods instead of going to the driving range
5. Was reminded for the 3rd day in a row that I had corn last Friday
6. Started a terrorist group that is against terrorists...the 71 virgins should be awesome
7. Faked interest in a new iPod just to check my e-mails at the Apple store
8. Fell into a self-induced coma due to an extraordinary amount of Chinese food
9. Began worrying if those tiny corns in Chinese food have the same effect as regular corn
10. Determined my new alias at hotels will be "Mr. Ugly"
posted by immixmarketer at 2:37 PM
51 Comments:
Yeah birds used to fly in my window. . . they all died. . . I have thier heads lined up on my wall!
the highlight of my day is blogging at work.
wow..you lead a busy life. I told my son last night that the cereal and honey bun he ate was his dinner so I wouldn't have to cook anything.
You may be on to something--cereal time-travel. Start the day with grown-up cereal, then relive your childhood through Lucky Charms and Cap'n Crunch. By dinner, you could be on formula! (Be careful of Frosted Mini-Wheats; you might become one of those creepy kids in their dad's suits.)
No worries...the baby corn doesn't have the same effect. I work in a Chinese restuarant. I eat them all the time. However, regular corn makes for much more interesting looking bowel movements.
Poor, little birdies. Unless they were pigeons. Fuck the pigeons. They're all over our city shitting all over the place. They should eat more corn.
Pigeons eating corn?!! What kind of maniac are you?
BAH! (<-- that is the noise that comes out instead of snorting sometimes when i'm trying not to make it obvious i'm laughing at non-work websites) corn.. three days in a row... hahaha.... love it
The highlight of my day was listening to my buddy describe Steven Seagal as a "fat headed wop"
Get fired for blogging, its awesome!
I would love to hear who I won the Useless Person Award over...I bet it was between me, comedian Joey Gladstone, and the guy who invented the Useless Person Award.
I'll have to try the fake intrest to check my email. I love useless blogs, they're the funniest.
I did the whole faking interest to check my email thing too - I think it was at a gateway store. Then I got bored and started playing online games - the guy thought I was totally into the computer but in reality I was kicking someone's ass at Scrabble.
Self induced coma from Chinese food....classic.
Ms. Strumpet: how dare you wish death upon the poor pigeons of the city! Never mind that they eat the vomit of drunk white boys and I once saw one crack open a battery with its beak -- they're still living beings and don't deserve to die at the hands of man's murderously evil glass windows.
I don't know why but I just don't like Baklavah.
You're not slightly concerned about the number of suicidal birds flying into your home?
It's a tad Stephen King'ish. ;)
Today is my birthday!
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Now I'm going home to eat some cereal.
Was there a final vote for the names of crystals boobs? I have been sitting on the edge of my chair all day! I was thinking of Puff and Stuff for my own.
I would like to kill all people who have hobbies.
Fuck on a fucking fuck stick! Stop pimping your blogs, bitches. Just give the guy his props for being funny and move the fuck along. Or, if you have any fucking comments, let 'em rip!
Thanks for wishing me a HB, Allison!
PS - Stryper RULES!!!!!!!!!!!
blue frosting, huh. I've had intersting results with raspberry Ice crystal light. Or anything red. And just to be blatant about it, I write my blogs to be read, so go read them!
the 71 virgins... are they all prepubescent? How did you find so many? Do you have costumes of any kind, special suits?
Being useless is a compliment for a blog.
Can you imagine a useful blog?
howtoscrubyourtoiletclean.blogspot.com
Bo-ring!
Kate,
I think the birds is more Hitchcock'ish than King'ish...
King did birds too, sparrows, inthat one about the writer with the split personality. They made a movie out of it. Can't think what it was called though. (I hate that!)
i wish my life was half as exciting as yours. the most exciting thing that happens during my day is eating and blogging...oh yea and 4 o'clock cuz that's when i get to go home!
yuck, that picture of mr, ugly just made me throw up alittle.
and yes, all corn has the same effect, no matter how you eat it.
the scret to gorging on chinese food is pacing. and have you ever noticed that you can be stuffed with the stuff, and then game for more ten minutes later?
Hey Brian,
The best thing about multiple-meal cereal is the free stuff in the box.... don't ya agree? I still have the pot o' gold tattoo I got from Lucky Charms years ago! Now, they're putting CD's and junk in there.... whatever happened to those good ol' plastic toys that looked so spectacular on the box, but were such a dissappointment after five minutes of digging around, elbow deep in Capt'n Crunch?
This was great...no wait, I had Frosted Flakes for breakfast today and 'they' were grreat
Thanks for making me laugh, that's not a useless thing at all. :) So congrats on the award anyway.
Speaking of prizes, has anyone else noticed the downward slide of Cracker Jack prizes? They used to be pretty cool, you could even get a mini pinball machine (HOURS of bus ride pleasure) and now you get...what, a stupid picture of a clown. As if I don't already have a million on them on every wall of my house! jeez!
Funny! Enjoyed reading your blog.
Hopefully the pigeons at least caught a buzz off the drunken white-boy vomit. Oh no, wait...that might cause them to run into more windows....damn.
The Stephen King book with the birdies....The Dark Half. Good shit.
Happy Birthday, Fredo! If you're a good boy I'll jump out of a cake for you to any Stryper tune you want.
I just ate some chinese food in my El Camino while listening to Stryper's "To Hell with the Devil" on cassette. And I thought of Strumpet jumping out of cake and my skin-satchel and wizard staff saluted in wholehearted agreement.
Kill It with FIRE!
No! Kill it with Machine Gweher 42! MG42 Cosmodork Achtung!
Agreed
I heard a rumour that Useless People are the best lays. I need a listing of all past award winners.
hey brian how have u been man, hope u remember me!! check my blog out just posted a new poem... take care... and why dont birds bump in my windows!!!
I can't stop blogging..topics are running out of me.
i have to alter the time entries of my blog so people don't think i'm blocking at work!!
Whats wrong with peanuts! :)
Corn is very, very bad. It's ugly when it takes its revenge.
I whack-off every day. Sometimes two or three times a day. If I break out the Bentley, (my most favourite of sextoys,) it might even be closer to seven times.
Self-love is a very important part of life.
You can't expect someone else to love you if you don't love yourself.
this blog is nutty like squirrel shit. keep up the good work!
Yes - the correct answer was The Dark Half by Stephen King.
You win nada!
Kate,
You're hot. And can I just say....that shirt....amazing.
cracked at the corn highlight... you musta ate a crapload of that.
death unto all feathered rats worldwide (especially trained, formation pooping types).
Like the anti-terrorist terrorist idea - can I start a cell in the notoriously terrorist cell infected Bathurst, Australia? Our terrorists planned many bombings but in the true Aussie spirit said stuff like 'nah couldnt be buggered...the footy is on.. wheres me dole cheque?'
Dude, I'm in Chicago too and I TOTALLY go into the Apple store to check my email, and ebay, and download movie trailers.
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