Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Woke up in the middle of the night freezing, fell back asleep and had a dream that their was a balls freezing off epidemic going on in Canada
2. Sang the O'Jays hit "Love Train" in the shower...pretty sure my neighbors could hear me
3. Realized everyone I know named Chris either has a speech impediment or is married to a Mexican
4. Watched a lady pay for her food at drive-thu window #1, and forgot to stop at #2 for her food
5. 30 seconds later I saw a guy walk into McDonald's who looked like he ate fast food about every 15 minutes
6. Started smoking cigarettes just so I can be that asshole who lights one up and says "don't start smoking man, this shit will kill you."
7. Admitted to myself that I am obsessed with other people's away messages on IM
8. Sent in another audition tape to the casting director of The O.C.
9. Had a fart that smelled like burnt rubber
10. Asked the lifeguard at the pool if she knew where I could get some arm floaties

Lie of the day:
My mom and her college roommate invented quilted toilet paper

78 Comments:

Blogger Judith said...

1.Walmart is having a huge sale on floaties -- all kinds of them.
2.Burning rubber is NOT the worst smell a fart can make. Trust me. I teach 8th grade in a boys' school.

July 13, 2005 7:23 AM  
Blogger melissa said...

I was singing Let's Get It On this morning in the shower.

July 13, 2005 7:23 AM  
Blogger melissa said...

Just singing - dammit.

July 13, 2005 7:42 AM  
Blogger desertdiamond said...

Hey...I've seen that guy too...only at Carl Jr.'s

July 13, 2005 7:47 AM  
Blogger Kim Plaintive said...

Don't start smoking, man!

July 13, 2005 7:49 AM  
Blogger allison said...

I saw a very large woman get out of her "tilted on one side" Ford Astro mini-van to bang on the drivethrough window last week. The person handed her one of those small bags so I'm assuming they only gave her 3 out of the 5 syrup cups she asked for to accomodate her hotcakes.

In case you didn't see it on my blog, here's the list of 80's things you might or might not be able to sell:

Brian, here you go:

Pong; Centipede; pole position etc

boombox (make sure it's shoulder friendly)

Rollerskates(picture tall adult male wearing jeans with a bandana tied just above his left knee skating backwards while playing 4 corners....personally I always liked the cones game)

Rubiks Cube/ Simon Says

T-shirt with "Who Shot J.R" on front

Knight Rider Trading Cards-(note that Kit is worth more than Michael)

Pogo Ball

Crimping Irons (I personally still have 3 and they're all yours if you want them) I loved trying to look like the "crimped out" blonde man who is eating the big turkey leg on the cover of his album. Damn! Who was he anyway??

Station wagons where you sit in the way back but your facing the cars behind you. (I guess that's too big to sell...unless you want to venture into 80's motoring. I've always wanted a kick ass Suzuki Samurai w/ a "Benjamin" or "Sexwax" sticker on it...no wait "UltraHot"

"Where's The Beef" nostalgia

Dustbusters

The Clapper

Chia Pets.."Chi Chi Chi Chia!"

Teddy Ruxpin (note that playing Ice-T's "Colors" in the tape deck will make Teddy Rap along with the words...just make sure you keep the volume down so the dorky babysitter doesn't tell your parents and they take away all your Garbage Pail Stickers)...I always loved "Twisted Timmy"

Ghostbusters Jumpsuits (must be gray and have either "Egon" "Winston" or "Vinkman" on them.

Anything that has to do with Rick Moranis

Tretorn Tennis Shoes

Banana Republic t-shirts with the actual African jungle scene on the back

Jordache Jeans

Pound Puppies

Gem and the Holograms

my favorite: Skipper (God I wanted to be her!!! the problem was that I looked more like Strawberry Shortcake and a chubby Annie)

Transformers

Keds

Reebok Hightops w/ the 2 velcro straps

Legos

RollerRacer (that stupid red thing you sat on and drove with your feet on the handlebars) be careful b/c they rust easily

Tights/ leotards

Jazzercise (you could sell some old beta instructional tapes or just ask my mom for hers)

Nair (wait people still use that crap...please refer to my post about waxing)

tanning goggles

Sebastian Shaper Hair Spray

Gee...Your Hair Smells Terrific and or Prell

Slip N' Slide (Daddy- "What happened Honey?" Ally-"*screaming crying* the sprinklerrrrrr sniff sniff!!!"

The Original Sony Walkman

paint pens...I decorated everything w/ them and would put little polka dots on all the letters in my name

having a friend named Skip

anything with the Guess triangle


That's all for now.

- Allison

July 13, 2005 7:59 AM  
Blogger MaineSqueeze said...

It seems Allison has mastered the art of posting her own blog on someone else's comments page.

Great job Allison!

July 13, 2005 8:16 AM  
Blogger Yer Daddy said...

Only one highlight so far. Your slogan; "Make me rich bitches!" really needs a comma after "rich", if you are saying what I think you're saying, but I'm wondering if, as it reads, you actually want to be transformed into multiple mean women with cash, kind of like you are putting in your wish request to a genie. The other scenario is that you are standing before some court clerk filing your name-change request; you're AKA Rich Bitches. Might be a good porn star name. Richard Bitches Jr., or maybe Ritchie Bitches. Ritchie is good because you would have the same name as your left nut.

July 13, 2005 8:16 AM  
Blogger Samantha said...

Between the O'Jays today and Tavares, "More than a Woman" for me yesterday, we could start a 70's cover band. I want to wear outfits like THIS.

July 13, 2005 8:19 AM  
Blogger Yer Daddy said...

Thought of new T-Shirt slogan

FRONT: "Don't know who shot JR. but..."

BACK: "Allison drove me to shoot myself."

July 13, 2005 8:22 AM  
Blogger Kay Ray said...

I can't believe you forgot the rubex cube :)

July 13, 2005 8:45 AM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

Or, maybe you want us to create a harem of rich bitches for your personal pleasure.

In that case, I could use one as well.

The Rubiks cube was on her list.

Have no idea what the "rubex cube" is...but, it sounds kinky. I'll use it on my harem of bitches.

July 13, 2005 8:55 AM  
Anonymous Shane said...

Please let me know if Allison's comment is worth reading. Thank you.

July 13, 2005 9:46 AM  
Blogger sharon said...

I've actually heard of the balls freezing off epidemic, but it wasn't limited testicles in Canada. Any testicle, that is in the vicinity of a penis that has been misused or not used often enough, freezes off. I guess its testicle self destruction.

July 13, 2005 9:58 AM  
Blogger Ron said...

What if there were a waterproof karaoke machine that you could install in your shower? Maybe the Japanese have already patented this one, but it would definitely generate more singing. Great blog, dude. Very funny. I laugh till embolism occurs.

July 13, 2005 10:02 AM  
Blogger Mercy said...

Maybe that's why I want to smoke?

July 13, 2005 10:16 AM  
Blogger Kay Ray said...

Sorry if i spelled rubiks wrong, string me up, tar and feather me DANG

July 13, 2005 10:27 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

July 13, 2005 10:35 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

I bet Fredo Teabaggins is in quite a quandary, ambivalent and bifurcated.

"Allison is my friend. She wished me a happy birthday. I love Allison!"

"Allison is not only pimping her blog on Bryan's blog, but she's also posting her blog on Bryan's blog. I hate Allison!"

"Stryper rules!"

July 13, 2005 10:37 AM  
Blogger The Husband said...

unbelievable blog...helps me get through my insanely boring job. i also sing in the shower...unfortunately its ususally some retarded backstreet boys song my roommate sings. oh, allison, she's hot.

July 13, 2005 10:45 AM  
Blogger Yer Daddy said...

Shane: read my T-shirt slogan for answer to your Allison inquiry

Ron: When you have an epipahnic stoke of genius brainstorm like the shower karaoke, you've got to keep that shit to yourself and do your R&D on the QT. I can help.

Kay Ray: I think you LIKE to be strung up and tarred and feathered, which means that of all the twisted, kinky, perverted women I've ever met, you rank fifth.

July 13, 2005 10:48 AM  
Blogger no1mama2003 said...

howq do you get the links to other things on your blog writing, like "guy", "lunch", "breakfast", "Mr. Ugly"? Please help explain this. Are they your links and images you have to put in?

July 13, 2005 10:49 AM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

I'm officially calling Kinky Women #'s 1 through 4 as part of my Bitch Harem.

And if you ARE into that sort of thing, Kay Ray, please let me know. I'm very good with tar and feathers and I've got mad skills in stringing people up.

July 13, 2005 10:53 AM  
Blogger Veeba said...

You're obsessed with IM away messages too? I log on to AOL Instant messenger just to see people's away message. How pathetic!

July 13, 2005 10:55 AM  
Blogger monsterhack said...

u are too funny....
keep up the good work.

btw...cigarettes will kill you. lol

July 13, 2005 11:12 AM  
Blogger JustJunebug said...

Just ran across your blog and laughed my ass off! Seriously, I havent laughed like that since, um...Saturday.

LOVE LOVE LOVE it!

July 13, 2005 11:23 AM  
Anonymous Shane said...

Thank you Yer Daddy. If it is gonna drive me to suicide, then I'll stay clear. You just saved a life.

July 13, 2005 11:34 AM  
Blogger broomhilda said...

YES! I AM OBESSED WITH AWAY MESSAGES TOO! FINALLY SOMEONE WHO I CAN RELATE TOO!!!

July 13, 2005 11:44 AM  
Blogger Angelika said...

Thanks alot!

Now I can't get Love Train out of my head.

July 13, 2005 11:48 AM  
Blogger mofo said...

I am sure your neighbors would rather hear you singing than hear Chris stutter his way through "Livin La Vida Loca".

July 13, 2005 11:50 AM  
Blogger Stefanie said...

Yesterday I saw TWO different women in a Mommy and Me class with lazy eyes.

July 13, 2005 12:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didn't actually pay at window #1. My boyfriend worked their and I had to give him lunch money. That is why I didn't pick anything up at window #2! :)

July 13, 2005 12:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

there not their, my bad! I guess that is why I have a boyfriend that works at fast food!

July 13, 2005 12:02 PM  
Blogger Yours Truly...Conman said...

Well, your blogs are awesome man. But it's kinda weird that so much funny crap happens in front of you every single day.
Or maybe it's a way of looking at things.
But even if it's imagination, you could one day make a book just out of these highlights of the day...
It would sell man.
Well thought of for sure, whoever you are...

July 13, 2005 12:13 PM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

anonymous,

That was fucking hilarious. Abso-fucking-lutely! I want to read YOUR blog!! Why post anonymously when you're so funny?

Things that make you go, "Hmmmmm..."

July 13, 2005 12:22 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Are you making fun of my head-gear?

July 13, 2005 12:30 PM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

I have a lazy eye you FUCKERS! And nothing sets it off more than Van McCoy's "The Hustle."

July 13, 2005 12:50 PM  
Blogger Iraqi-Vegetable-Dealer said...

My dear god! You have the most exciting life I have ever seen(or read). My whole life is work, video games, D&D, studying, going to an RPG group, having only 9 friends, and some other nerd stuff.

July 13, 2005 1:00 PM  
Blogger Lake Allison said...

Word to your mother..

I <3 quilted TP.

July 13, 2005 1:08 PM  
Blogger Alex said...

Who would actually admit to blocking out a portion of their day for playing Dungeons and Dragons? That's like planning your T.V. viewing schedule days in advance - you need a life!

July 13, 2005 1:09 PM  
Blogger andy said...

um.... i'm not as good as you. i wish i was. mine just aren't funny. i wish they were

July 13, 2005 1:15 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Brian,
Just for your information, it is superbly hot right now in Canada.... the mercury's hittin' 32 celsius (that's 89.6 fahrenheit to you).
Therefore, to put your mind at ease... don't fret, their will not be any balls-freezing-off epidemic in Canada.... until winter that is. I'll let ya know when we dip down into the minus forties(-40C also happens to equal -40F.... for comparision's sake), so you know when NOT to take a voyage to the North.
-Rach-

July 13, 2005 1:45 PM  
Blogger Kellie said...

5. 30 seconds later I saw a guy walk into McDonald's who looked like he ate fast food about every 15 minutes

And here I thought all those guys were here at Myrtle Beach with their guts hanging over their swim suits in my line of view....

July 13, 2005 1:58 PM  
Blogger Curious1 said...

Great page... Today I saw a nyc thug kick it to this fine fox. After she dissed him and told him to get a job, she turned around to walk up the stairs and bust her ass!!!

July 13, 2005 2:02 PM  
Blogger The Everglades said...

I like the addition of a lie of the day. This should be intersting.

Blake

July 13, 2005 4:22 PM  
Blogger "the ONE and ONLY" said...

good luck on the O.C thing!! :)

I just LOVE THAT SHOW!! Maybe the could write you in a another "water polo" dude that Seth always talk about!!

July 13, 2005 4:31 PM  
Blogger "the ONE and ONLY" said...

shit.. what I meant to say; If I could spell right was!!

good luck on the O.C thing!! :)

I just LOVE THAT SHOW!! Maybe THEY could write you in AS another "water polo" dude that Seth always talk about!!
...dugh I swear my mom did drugs before and during her 9 months of caring me around... A.D.D is a bithc!

July 13, 2005 4:36 PM  
Blogger Steven said...

The lady paying for her food at window #1 and then drove off past #2 without her food, cracked me up. How hilarious!

July 13, 2005 5:34 PM  
Blogger marriedman said...

After reading this post, I grabbed Larry and Balky (my balls), and ripped them off, in your honor of course.
Fredo: can I get your hairstyle? Mine is outdated.

July 13, 2005 5:55 PM  
Blogger Evan G. said...

The lie of the day is a good addition.
What knd of response did you get from that lifegaurd?

July 13, 2005 6:44 PM  
Blogger suzi said...

You really think that its freezing this time of year in canada??? You americans are all the same. Try watching the weather channel or using your computer to find out that its like 26 C or in american language thats about 85 or so.

July 13, 2005 6:55 PM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

I don't trust the weather in a country where they have ketchup/catsup flavored potato chips.

July 13, 2005 7:10 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

You mean to tell me that you don't have ketchup chips in America? Wow.... you'll never know such joy as snackin' on Old Dutch Ketchup chips.... nothing quite compares....

July 13, 2005 8:42 PM  
Blogger R2K said...

That was funny as hell :)

I love the page, keep it up!

July 13, 2005 9:01 PM  
Blogger Joanna said...

no shit that's a lie. I was the one who invented quilted toilet paper.

July 13, 2005 9:41 PM  
Blogger LCRocks said...

What's wrong with me that, instead of a snort laugh, I end up snot laughing at this blog?

July 13, 2005 9:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Man, I've been smoking since I was 15 (18 years now) and trust me - that shit would kill us both one day.

But think about it: tobacco provides employment not only for the Marbloro Man - think about the lawyers, doctors, truck drivers, and gazillions of other ppl who would be without a job if it wasn't because of cigarettes.

Now, you don't want to be responsible to make the deficit even worse (and Greenspan unhappy) by putting all that ppl out of business and on welfare, rite?

I didn't think so.

So, smoke on !

July 13, 2005 9:50 PM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

I plan my porn-viewing schedule days in advance and openly admit to blocking out a portion of my day to watch them Vivid Girls. One day Dasha...the next Raylene...

And, Mr. Married...Your hair's not outdated, darlin', it's RETRO. It's all good. How's your dog?

I've always had a thing for the Marlboro Man. Anybody into roleplay?

July 13, 2005 10:34 PM  
Blogger Stefanie said...

Is it just me or is Natalie Merchant's voice annoying?

July 13, 2005 10:43 PM  
Blogger Rudy Roo said...

Jaysus, you get a shitload of hits.

July 13, 2005 11:05 PM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

And, yes, usually Porn Time coincides with Self-Love Time...but, not always.

July 13, 2005 11:30 PM  
Blogger lau in sudan said...

U should come to Sudan babe... u made me feel good! thanks Lau in Sudan

July 14, 2005 12:27 AM  
Blogger Rayner said...

How do you clear away quilted toilet paper???

July 14, 2005 1:40 AM  
Blogger VTP said...

who cares what you did all day - it all sounds boring

July 14, 2005 6:02 AM  
Blogger Call Emily said...

I know a Chris but he isn't Mexican and speaks clearly. He does have a strong Southern accent, but that is to be expected in Atlanta. I guess that might be a speech issues in some parts of the country.

July 14, 2005 7:08 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

I resemble that remark - the first one.

Paul Martin
Prime Minister, Canada

July 14, 2005 7:40 AM  
Blogger Lady Sappho said...

OMG, another one that likes the away messages. Do you secretly think they're talking to YOU?! If so, I could hook you up with somebody and you could argue over who's messages are meant for whom. - LOL

July 14, 2005 8:47 AM  
Blogger marriedman said...

retro huh, thanks baby. oh the dog is fine, the pink thing wont go back down though....

July 14, 2005 10:47 AM  
Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Once I stopped at McD's at a freeway rest area for fries & burgs, then stopped again at the next rest area for a milkshake and gave the window guy my trash from stop #1. I cried all the way home over the new low I had reached.

July 14, 2005 5:30 PM  
Blogger Just Me said...

Hey Rachel, I love Old Dutch Ketchup chips! I found some Ketchup chips here in the US but they aren't the same. We also don't have Macentosh Toffee... mmm they are so good!

July 15, 2005 12:10 PM  
Blogger BlackOps said...

Damn, your shit is just mad funny.

July 15, 2005 2:06 PM  
Blogger Iraqi-Vegetable-Dealer said...

Hey! D&D takes more work then you may think! It's a lot different then planning for TV. Don't think you know D&D untill you've played it. I doubt any of you know how it works anyway.

July 15, 2005 6:36 PM  
Blogger Chesty said...

I was going to
Learn Spanish in Costa Rica
but got sidetracked in Myrtle Beach. Now i speak fluent Redneck!

July 15, 2005 7:06 PM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

I used to play D&D in high school. The boys would never let me DM because my games would turn into porn adventures.

I had a half-elf thief that had a thing for having mad sex with orcs. She would also use the bejeweled handle of her magic dagger as a sextoy.

July 15, 2005 11:12 PM  
Blogger Kerri said...

Number three is so funny and random. Actually... this entire blog is. But that's why I like it. Reading about real people is so much more entertaining than reading some works of fiction.

July 19, 2005 8:12 AM  
Blogger Wendy said...

Came across your blog...hilarious!

I have actually committed the crime of paying at window #1 and forgetting to stop at window #2.

At least now I know the person behind me was laughing their ass off.

July 20, 2005 10:43 AM  
Blogger Sandra said...

Love your blog. Cracking up still.

July 20, 2005 10:49 PM  
Blogger Stroll said...

Re: That asshole who says "don't start smoking man, this shit will kill you."

I am him.

July 23, 2005 8:14 PM  

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