Thursday, July 14, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Got a black eye from walking into a door...told my friends and family that I was in an abusive relationship
2. Thus far, half of my farts have smelled like toothpaste
3. The other half have been combinations of Cheetos and green peppers, with hints of pineapple
4. Came across this file that I downloaded a while back...funny yet terrible
5. Continue to be amazed by the fact that a clean kitchen floor allows anyone to do the moon-walk
6. Wondered if when people call in to order info-mercial stuff, and the sales person says, "If you promise to tell 5 of your friends, we will include the solid food injector at no cost."..if they respond with, "Ah, ya know, to be honest, I really don't think I'll be running into many people that I know anytime soon, so, unfortunately, you're gonna have to leave me out on that offer."
7. Totally got caught picking my nose
8. Dreamt that I was back in high school taking the SAT's, and all the questions were like, what is your favorite movie...color...who is your best friend?...I bet I did terrible...I just know it!
9. Tasted contact solution...not sexual contact solution...eye contact solution
10. Told the saleswoman at Victoria's Secret that I thought my sister would look awesome in this *holding up a thong*

Lie of the Day...My great, great, great grandpa invented being left-handed

77 Comments:

Anonymous wendi said...

at least you didn't tell her it was for your brother!

July 14, 2005 9:55 AM  
Blogger Just Me said...

Or your mother.

July 14, 2005 10:03 AM  
Blogger mofo said...

Admit it! You got the black eye trying to do the moonwalk in the kitchen. Not EVERYONE can do it, it's ok.

July 14, 2005 10:03 AM  
Blogger josh said...

moonwalking a lot lately, you were one of the many celebrating the decision the other week weren't you???

July 14, 2005 10:06 AM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

at least the thong wasnt for you.

July 14, 2005 10:15 AM  
Blogger Veeba said...

Contact solution tastes like salt water. And hey...i invented being left handed

July 14, 2005 10:22 AM  
Blogger monsterhack said...

enema...

July 14, 2005 10:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ever notice how your farts smell differently depending on where you are? for example...going to visit my grandmother?? (oh, yeah, old lady farts have a distinct smell!)

July 14, 2005 10:32 AM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

One half of your farts have been smelling like a bad sauvignon blanc.

Black eyes are hot.

A clean, kitchen floor is good for a lot of things...

What is sexual contact solution? Lube?? Lube comes in flavours for your tasting pleasure. Cherry tastes like a lollipop. The best lube, hands down...

...Astroglide.

July 14, 2005 10:35 AM  
Blogger Lattenrost said...

finally somebody managed to have both farts and thongs in one posting. i'll have to mark this day in my calendar :)

July 14, 2005 10:44 AM  
Blogger Allie said...

I ran into the door once and had to assure people I was NOT in an abusive relationship. Although I wonder which is more embarrassing...

July 14, 2005 10:49 AM  
Blogger Hugh said...

Man, you can't moonwalk on a clean floor, thats just sliding. Moonwalking is impossible unless you're Michael Jackson or one of those delightful Michael Jackson Impersonators. ie priests.

July 14, 2005 10:52 AM  
Blogger Little Miss said...

your "highlights of my day" have become highlights of MY day!

thanks for the posts!

July 14, 2005 10:59 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Hey Brian!
Here's a site I think would be right up your alley....
www.uselessjunk.com
There's lotsa nutty stuff here.
Let me know if you find anything outstanding!
-Rach-

July 14, 2005 11:09 AM  
Blogger Danielle said...

Ummm, you are not supposed to swallow toothpaste! You must live on the edge!

July 14, 2005 11:17 AM  
Blogger Kay Ray said...

You have definatly become a daily read for me!! SO FUNNY!!

July 14, 2005 11:48 AM  
Blogger R2K said...

Wasnt astro glide initially made to lubricate moon walks?

July 14, 2005 11:49 AM  
Blogger marriedman said...

Last time I was in victoria's secret, I got kicked out and arrested for ripping the bra off of a salesperson, creamming in it, and the giving it back to her. I love that place.

July 14, 2005 11:53 AM  
Anonymous Shane said...

I about broke my fucking nose one time walking into a door.

July 14, 2005 11:54 AM  
Blogger The Husband said...

i'm left handed...i heard once that 95% of all geniuses are left handed...i guess i'm the 5% thats not. moonwalking is for losers...try doing the worm!

ps- tiffany, you are hot.

July 14, 2005 11:58 AM  
Blogger mofo said...

Carl Spackler said...
ps- tiffany, you are hot.


...and a little blurry.

July 14, 2005 12:08 PM  
Blogger Montezuma's Revenge said...

Little Miss - Shouldnt it be Little MRS since you are married?

July 14, 2005 12:09 PM  
Blogger allison said...

1. THERMOMETER : TEMPERATURE

A. bunnies : batteries

B. H.S coach shorts : oakleys

C. Hometown Buffet : Snr.citizens

D. Fox News : Aruba

E. Brian : flatulence

July 14, 2005 12:32 PM  
Blogger Sassy said...

You get it honest, dont u?

July 14, 2005 12:36 PM  
Blogger Shoeaholic410 said...

You consistantly have me cracking up on your "highlights of the day" Thank You for the daily laughs during the daily grind!!! :)~

July 14, 2005 12:39 PM  
Blogger Perdita said...

I watched that video 5 times in a row

Unbelievable luck!
I can't even pick a kid off at 20 paces

July 14, 2005 12:44 PM  
Blogger Little Miss said...

montezuma~
Don't you know that every woman in the South is referred to as "miss ____?" (married or not?)

July 14, 2005 1:13 PM  
Blogger pecos said...

Go into Victoria Secrets often?

July 14, 2005 1:16 PM  
Blogger The Husband said...

little miss...montezuma should know that...he is from virginia but claims to be from california.

July 14, 2005 1:32 PM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

I'll tell you what is fun: Covered Wagons, especially after Burger King onion rings and that "zesty" onion ring sauce. Top that off with some dried apricots and when you lay an powerful turbble breeze under the covers, let the pioneer trek to Shitland begin!

July 14, 2005 2:08 PM  
Blogger blogglegum said...

Squirting contact solution at your face and holding your breath makes you feel like you're on the beach.

July 14, 2005 2:58 PM  
Blogger Sherri said...

Next time hold up the thong and ask the sales girl where the changing room is.

July 14, 2005 3:35 PM  
Blogger The real me said...

You're a real catch, aren't ya?

July 14, 2005 4:53 PM  
Blogger Alex said...

Just because one is able to do the moonwalk, does that mean one must? I suppose I am able to wear my pants and shirt backwards like Chris Cross (they make ya' jump, jump), but that hardly means I would!

July 14, 2005 4:54 PM  
Blogger Angelika said...

At least it wasn't an edible thong!

July 14, 2005 6:03 PM  
Blogger Stefanie said...

I'm sorry but #9? Come on, you're better than that.

July 14, 2005 7:45 PM  
Blogger Sam said...

vikie's= gift card: "I dont care what you get so long as I can take it off."

July 14, 2005 8:10 PM  
Blogger Samantha said...

Damn, my SAT question was "What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

I hope you took a good solid whiff of that thong after you mentioned your sister. That would have been a kicker.

July 14, 2005 8:43 PM  
Blogger sdk said...

I had to link you. You're hillarious. I need to get out more. Seriously...this stuff can't only be happening in Chicago.

sdk

July 14, 2005 10:14 PM  
Blogger Lilly and Willow said...

Intriguing, I must read more.

July 14, 2005 10:45 PM  
Blogger mlejane said...

Ok, confession... I have been reading your blog for weeks now and I just can't get enough. Thanks for the laughs.

But my, my,... I must say, you have a very sensitive sense of smell to decifer your farts as you do.

July 14, 2005 11:34 PM  
Blogger ~TRICK~ said...

OMG your blogs are great oh man one day spent with u i dont think i would ever be the same again..how funny...keep wrighting and ill keep reading! And dont forget doors dont move for U!..

July 15, 2005 12:27 AM  
Blogger Rayner said...

So what did you tell them when you said you were in a abusive relationship????

July 15, 2005 5:16 AM  
Blogger Ron said...

Many years ago, while riding the subway in Boston, I sat across from an old man in an overcoat picking his nose while eating a subway sandwich. He looked straight at me as he was digging too.

July 15, 2005 5:42 AM  
Blogger ODB said...

a couple i know went to mexico, his wife got a black eye, when a spanish tile fell off the vacation villa and hit her in the head.

Coming back through the airport she was wearing sunglasses, security made her take them off. Security gave him dirty looks as if her husband did it. hilarious...he is the biggest softee i know.

http://orlandobachelor.blogspot.com

July 15, 2005 5:54 AM  
Blogger wit said...

Oh god that basketball kid video is goddamned hilarious! Someone sent that to me a year ago and I laughed so hard I almost got the clap (but it could've been the hookers...).

Should I be suspicious if I find a peanut in a can of smoked almonds?

July 15, 2005 7:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

我這兒好像要弄颱風了耶....
^^'''

July 15, 2005 8:58 AM  
Blogger Cherie-Ann said...

...actually I think it was my dad that invented being left handed, but they forced him to use his right in school....bastards~!

July 15, 2005 9:00 AM  
Blogger Call Emily said...

you are still funny.

July 15, 2005 10:14 AM  
Blogger Curious1 said...

C'mon tell the truth, you got the black eye after you told the sales lady about the thong for your sister...

July 15, 2005 11:01 AM  
Blogger Mitch said...

My highlight of the day: Had a wet dream which was pretty cool.

My lowlight of the day: In my dream I was masturbating

July 15, 2005 11:29 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

July 15, 2005 11:32 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

I once spent 15 minutes crawling around a dirty bathroom floor on my hands and knees looking for a "lost" contact lens before discovering that I had, somehow, accidentally, inserted it into the eye that already had a lens in place.

July 15, 2005 11:34 AM  
Blogger Lady Sappho said...

Shoulda told the sales lady that the thong was for your dad and ask her if she minded if you tried it on and modeled it for her to obtain an honest opinion.

July 15, 2005 11:46 AM  
Blogger Honey said...

It never fails to amaze me that you have exactly 10 highlights each day. If you have all 10 before lunch, is the rest of your day just screwed?

July 15, 2005 1:02 PM  
Blogger annamarisav said...

nice- very funny

July 15, 2005 3:26 PM  
Blogger ~*Bettie said...

Did you pick your nose with your left hand?

The thongs- who were they for?

And you clean. Wow.

He has ten-highlights everyday AND he cleans!

**moonwalks**

July 15, 2005 4:48 PM  
Blogger Iraqi-Vegetable-Dealer said...

I wasn't as impressed this time around. By the way, I thought astro glide was for hand-jobs and anal sex. Isn't it?

July 15, 2005 6:41 PM  
Blogger msbrooksie said...

Thanks for the laugh! It always feels good to laugh at something once a day and today I laughed at your blog. In a good way :)

July 15, 2005 6:55 PM  
Blogger Inner Fonzie said...

Thanks for the laughs... definately linking you!

July 15, 2005 7:06 PM  
Blogger Lee Ann said...

Hey Brian,
I enjoyed it! You can still hope for that relationship! :)

July 15, 2005 7:54 PM  
Blogger Jules said...

Your site seems so interesting..

Love your sense of humor..

Keep it up! :)

July 15, 2005 8:48 PM  
Blogger T.L. Barker said...

I love the blog. I might steal the format for some of my entries. I will give credit where credit is due though. Anyway, everyone should see this page. Thanks for making me spit soda through my nose. *snort*

July 15, 2005 9:41 PM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

Astroglide can be used wherever lubrication is needed. But, yes...it works especially well for anal.

Mitch, your dream sounds fascinating.

July 15, 2005 11:01 PM  
Blogger Alicia said...

nigga, u one weak fuck! that shit aint funny for anything....im gonna commit suicide cuz u jus ruined my day!

July 16, 2005 12:15 AM  
Blogger purple_sneakers said...

Gave myself a black eye in my sleep just two nights ago.

I think I'd rather have your excuse.

July 16, 2005 1:37 AM  
Blogger Guyana-Gyal said...

Highlight of my day: Just found out I won US$10,000,000.






[Also is the lie of the day.]

July 16, 2005 8:10 AM  
Blogger Will Irby said...

#4 video..now thats funny

July 16, 2005 5:46 PM  
Blogger Wanda said...

I think this has become the highlight of MY Day ha ha ha

July 16, 2005 10:17 PM  
Blogger Michael Walton said...

pretty funny, check out my site out of pity, cause noone else has.

July 18, 2005 1:42 PM  
Blogger burningflame said...

I just found your site and think it's quite funny. especially your lie of the day. Do more of those, they're lovely.

July 18, 2005 10:53 PM  
Blogger murho22 said...

this was the highligh of my day. Very Funny!

July 19, 2005 9:07 AM  
Blogger "the ONE and ONLY" said...

Abusive realtionships.. Well; that hit a sore spot.. Not so funny. But I am wondering about your fart smelling as it does?!!!!

July 19, 2005 4:02 PM  
Blogger Shannon Nicole Edwards said...

ouch!! i am sorry!! hope it feels better!

July 21, 2005 5:27 PM  
Blogger Magua said...

you love sheep. And goats. Admit it. Or deny it at www.rantforum.net.

July 30, 2005 5:50 PM  
Blogger jo said...

well, you are a very boring person and i think you should get some friends. your not that bad looking tho.my friend thinks you have really bad taste in music and movies

August 01, 2005 12:35 AM  
Anonymous abby @ Planet Mace Pepper Spray said...

well at least the fast smell like cheerios and pepper, not pepper spray

October 22, 2008 12:29 PM  

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