Highlights of My Day
1. Got a black eye from walking into a door...told my friends and family that I was in an abusive relationship
2. Thus far, half of my farts have smelled like toothpaste
3. The other half have been combinations of Cheetos and green peppers, with hints of pineapple
4. Came across this file that I downloaded a while back...funny yet terrible
5. Continue to be amazed by the fact that a clean kitchen floor allows anyone to do the moon-walk
6. Wondered if when people call in to order info-mercial stuff, and the sales person says, "If you promise to tell 5 of your friends, we will include the solid food injector at no cost."..if they respond with, "Ah, ya know, to be honest, I really don't think I'll be running into many people that I know anytime soon, so, unfortunately, you're gonna have to leave me out on that offer."
7. Totally got caught picking my nose
8. Dreamt that I was back in high school taking the SAT's, and all the questions were like, what is your favorite movie...color...who is your best friend?...I bet I did terrible...I just know it!
9. Tasted contact solution...not sexual contact solution...eye contact solution
10. Told the saleswoman at Victoria's Secret that I thought my sister would look awesome in this *holding up a thong*
Lie of the Day...My great, great, great grandpa invented being left-handed
2. Thus far, half of my farts have smelled like toothpaste
3. The other half have been combinations of Cheetos and green peppers, with hints of pineapple
4. Came across this file that I downloaded a while back...funny yet terrible
5. Continue to be amazed by the fact that a clean kitchen floor allows anyone to do the moon-walk
6. Wondered if when people call in to order info-mercial stuff, and the sales person says, "If you promise to tell 5 of your friends, we will include the solid food injector at no cost."..if they respond with, "Ah, ya know, to be honest, I really don't think I'll be running into many people that I know anytime soon, so, unfortunately, you're gonna have to leave me out on that offer."
7. Totally got caught picking my nose
8. Dreamt that I was back in high school taking the SAT's, and all the questions were like, what is your favorite movie...color...who is your best friend?...I bet I did terrible...I just know it!
9. Tasted contact solution...not sexual contact solution...eye contact solution
10. Told the saleswoman at Victoria's Secret that I thought my sister would look awesome in this *holding up a thong*
Lie of the Day...My great, great, great grandpa invented being left-handed
posted by immixmarketer at 2:09 PM
45 Comments:
at least you didn't tell her it was for your brother!
Or your mother.
Contact solution tastes like salt water. And hey...i invented being left handed
ever notice how your farts smell differently depending on where you are? for example...going to visit my grandmother?? (oh, yeah, old lady farts have a distinct smell!)
One half of your farts have been smelling like a bad sauvignon blanc.
Black eyes are hot.
A clean, kitchen floor is good for a lot of things...
What is sexual contact solution? Lube?? Lube comes in flavours for your tasting pleasure. Cherry tastes like a lollipop. The best lube, hands down...
...Astroglide.
your "highlights of my day" have become highlights of MY day!
thanks for the posts!
Hey Brian!
Here's a site I think would be right up your alley....
www.uselessjunk.com
There's lotsa nutty stuff here.
Let me know if you find anything outstanding!
-Rach-
You have definatly become a daily read for me!! SO FUNNY!!
Wasnt astro glide initially made to lubricate moon walks?
I about broke my fucking nose one time walking into a door.
i'm left handed...i heard once that 95% of all geniuses are left handed...i guess i'm the 5% thats not. moonwalking is for losers...try doing the worm!
ps- tiffany, you are hot.
Little Miss - Shouldnt it be Little MRS since you are married?
You get it honest, dont u?
You consistantly have me cracking up on your "highlights of the day" Thank You for the daily laughs during the daily grind!!! :)~
I watched that video 5 times in a row
Unbelievable luck!
I can't even pick a kid off at 20 paces
montezuma~
Don't you know that every woman in the South is referred to as "miss ____?" (married or not?)
little miss...montezuma should know that...he is from virginia but claims to be from california.
I'll tell you what is fun: Covered Wagons, especially after Burger King onion rings and that "zesty" onion ring sauce. Top that off with some dried apricots and when you lay an powerful turbble breeze under the covers, let the pioneer trek to Shitland begin!
Squirting contact solution at your face and holding your breath makes you feel like you're on the beach.
Next time hold up the thong and ask the sales girl where the changing room is.
You're a real catch, aren't ya?
Just because one is able to do the moonwalk, does that mean one must? I suppose I am able to wear my pants and shirt backwards like Chris Cross (they make ya' jump, jump), but that hardly means I would!
I'm sorry but #9? Come on, you're better than that.
I had to link you. You're hillarious. I need to get out more. Seriously...this stuff can't only be happening in Chicago.
sdk
Intriguing, I must read more.
Ok, confession... I have been reading your blog for weeks now and I just can't get enough. Thanks for the laughs.
But my, my,... I must say, you have a very sensitive sense of smell to decifer your farts as you do.
So what did you tell them when you said you were in a abusive relationship????
a couple i know went to mexico, his wife got a black eye, when a spanish tile fell off the vacation villa and hit her in the head.
Coming back through the airport she was wearing sunglasses, security made her take them off. Security gave him dirty looks as if her husband did it. hilarious...he is the biggest softee i know.
http://orlandobachelor.blogspot.com
Oh god that basketball kid video is goddamned hilarious! Someone sent that to me a year ago and I laughed so hard I almost got the clap (but it could've been the hookers...).
Should I be suspicious if I find a peanut in a can of smoked almonds?
我這兒好像要弄颱風了耶....
^^'''
...actually I think it was my dad that invented being left handed, but they forced him to use his right in school....bastards~!
C'mon tell the truth, you got the black eye after you told the sales lady about the thong for your sister...
My highlight of the day: Had a wet dream which was pretty cool.
My lowlight of the day: In my dream I was masturbating
nice- very funny
Thanks for the laughs... definately linking you!
Hey Brian,
I enjoyed it! You can still hope for that relationship! :)
Astroglide can be used wherever lubrication is needed. But, yes...it works especially well for anal.
Mitch, your dream sounds fascinating.
nigga, u one weak fuck! that shit aint funny for anything....im gonna commit suicide cuz u jus ruined my day!
Gave myself a black eye in my sleep just two nights ago.
I think I'd rather have your excuse.
Highlight of my day: Just found out I won US$10,000,000.
[Also is the lie of the day.]
I think this has become the highlight of MY Day ha ha ha
pretty funny, check out my site out of pity, cause noone else has.
I just found your site and think it's quite funny. especially your lie of the day. Do more of those, they're lovely.
this was the highligh of my day. Very Funny!
well at least the fast smell like cheerios and pepper, not pepper spray
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