Friday, September 23, 2005

Highlights of my Day

1. Considered what winning a life-time-supply of Quaker Oatmeal woud do for my sexlife
2. After about a minute of singing Skid Row's "Youth Gone Wild" in the bathroom at work, I realized I wasn't the only person in the bathroom
3. Had a dream in which everyone was wearing Hypercolor shirts
4. Had a fart that took at least 30 seconds to completely leave my ass
5. Found out that the lady who lives in my building, the old crazy one who smells like a garbage truck, is moving out this weekend
6. Obtained the preceeding information from my mail-man who looks just like Ludacris...I swear they could be brothers, not like "brothas"...I mean brothers
7. Won a $50 bet in which I had to talk like the guy from the Dyson commercials for an entire day
8. Thought about walking up to a complete stranger and saying, "Yo, why you been trippin lately son?...nah mean, cuz?"
9. Spent 4 hours at work "googlewhacking" (this is where you type in two random words in a google search, and try to find just one result) my only success was: western dumbwaitor
10. Considered bitting off my pinky just to leave work early

Fart Flavor of the Day: Sweaty hands that have been holding pennies all day, dipped in chocolate


Blogger BeckEye said...

Holy shit, I'm rolling here. I have also sung and/or talked to myself in the bathroom without realizing someone else was in there. But they were usually waiting for me to leave so they could take a nasty shit, so screw them.

God, I hate the penny/hand smell. My first job in high school was at Phar-Mor (like Wal-Mart) and I hated handling money because my hands always stunk. That's when I developed my addiction to handi-wipes.

September 22, 2005 9:51 PM  
Blogger desertdiamond said...

Well, the guy on the cover of the oatmeal box is old but he's smilin, so who knows??? Course I happened to run into Wilford Brimley once and he was really really really nasty, but he also stopped making the commercial, so guess you're at 50-50 chances there.

September 22, 2005 10:32 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

We've got a chick at work who's got aspergers and she talks to herself in the stalls. It's quite weird.

Dyson's are fantastic! Just got a new one last weekend.

I think posh English accents are sexy. ;)

September 22, 2005 10:45 PM  
Blogger Getting There said...

I sing in the car on the way to work. And by sing I mean make a complete fool of myself by practically dancing in the car to my tunes. The people next to me must this I've lost it. It's really fun in the summer, when I can open my window and blast my rock & roll out the window, especially to those people who listen to "hip hop", which frankly isn't really hip at all.

September 23, 2005 12:48 AM  
Blogger Fridaysweb said...

Dude, you don't have to do something as drastic as biting your pinky off. "Accidentally" get a staple stuck in your cheek. Also, it helps if you manage to get a nasty papercut on the corner of your mouth and your tongue. When asked how in the world you managed to do that, explain that it must have had something to do with the Pink Eye you were exposed to, while babysitting your baby's momma's cousin's children. Who might by yours, as well. But, don't claim them until the courts order it.

Of course, you could always say it's "that time of the month" - but only if your boss is a man. Women bosses won't let employees go home for that.

September 23, 2005 5:11 AM  
Blogger austinizer said...

A little better. Keep at it. You're getting back in shape.

September 23, 2005 5:15 AM  
Blogger Faithmy said...

You would always get some from oatmeal freaks--but I cant imagine thats a good thing.

September 23, 2005 5:33 AM  
Blogger allison said...

man i miss those hypercolor shirts. i had an orange one.

as far as skid row is concerned i often find myself having a concert in my car but it's usually to "I Remember You" and "18 and Life."

September 23, 2005 6:07 AM  
Blogger Traceysiobhan said...

I don't think the oatmeal would improve your sexlife, but at least you'd be regular.

I really hate those long drawn out farts.....they are ultra disgusting. My grandmother walks around the house all day farting almost continuously....think that's the only reason she can walk so much is cause she's gas powered.

September 23, 2005 6:36 AM  
Blogger Buck Rogers said...

oh shit jsut shit myself. got you beat it took 45 seconds for my fart to finish today

September 23, 2005 6:51 AM  
Blogger LB said...

How about an audioclip of you talking like the Dyson guy. That would be priceless. Or I'd even take you singing "Youth gone wild" How bout it?

September 23, 2005 8:32 AM  
Blogger Lady K said...

I do #8 at LEAST on a daily basis to my warehouse guy. Gotta LOVE IT!

September 23, 2005 9:48 AM  
Blogger Bidegain said...

Hey-I got 2 results for "western dumbwaitor". Keep up the good work!

September 23, 2005 11:04 AM  
Blogger American Girl said...

1 result for "fartistic hypercolor"

that was fun.

September 23, 2005 11:25 AM  
Blogger Kerri said...

Googlewacking? Why haven't I heard of this? I must try.

September 23, 2005 12:16 PM  
Blogger Mad Munkey said...

The oatmeal would certainly be good for your skin if you bathed in it. I'm shure you could get a suitable sized tub at Home Depot.

September 23, 2005 3:27 PM  
Blogger BadGod said...

I 'googlewhack' all the time.

I mean, you know. Oops.

josipqxt--Josi P. Xt.
Sounds kinda porno-ish.

September 23, 2005 7:04 PM  
Blogger AKH said...

And here I thought googlewhacking was something else! And to think, I've been doing it wrong all this time. DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

September 23, 2005 9:16 PM  
Blogger Sam said...

number ten was the best =] even if i wasnt drinking i would find that amuzing!

September 23, 2005 9:36 PM  
Blogger Aymster said...

You rock dude! So damn funny. I loved hypercolor shirts. They should come back.

September 23, 2005 9:45 PM  
Blogger broomhilda said...


September 23, 2005 10:12 PM  
Blogger FU said...

i put my hypercolor t shirt in the was never the same after that... *tear*

September 23, 2005 11:35 PM  
Blogger The Nude Chef said...

I love being gang-raped by a bunch of rough neck likes the bigz nigga dicks!

September 24, 2005 9:03 AM  
Blogger The Megan said...

"Considered what winning a life-time-supply of Quaker Oatmeal woud do for my sexlife"

Well, it would probably slow you down at first... but once you got used to the extra weight you'd packed on, you'd be back in business... might start attracting a 'different group' of girls though...

"Spent 4 hours at work "googlewhacking" (this is where you type in two random words in a google search, and try to find just one result) my only success was: western dumbwaitor"

Oh gawd... you've just given me yet another excuse to refrain from actually *working* at my place of employment... thank you... and damn you, too...

September 25, 2005 8:03 AM  
Blogger The Megan said...

oh yes, and me thinks the 'cute little box' is not going to be so cute any more after a few of those 'rough neck gang-raping- sessions' (comment above)... fah real, y'alls... nah mean?

September 25, 2005 8:06 AM  
Blogger Used Hack said...

Oh, Jesus! I could have done without seeing that finger. :)

September 25, 2005 10:08 AM  
Blogger Friends of McDougal said...

What does it mean if your gaseous emmissions smell like Cheez Wiz and turpentine?

September 25, 2005 1:16 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Maybe it's cuz I'm CDN, but what are Dyson commercials all about?.... I couldn't tell from the picture....
Yowza, my word ver was pvqegkxu.... these are getting ridiculous.

September 25, 2005 9:10 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

I'm with Megan... just another thing to prevent me from actually getting any *work* done... *sigh*

September 26, 2005 9:25 AM  
Anonymous Terry Jones said...

We have locks on all [both] the restrooms at work. It's probably because they're either/or, but it helps avoid embarrassing moments like this.

September 26, 2005 5:53 PM  
Blogger Fredo Teabaggins said...

Dude, while on the subject of Skid Row, how can you forget SLAUGHTER?! Oh, yeah, "Cause now you've got to FLLLLYYYYYYY! FLLLLLLLY TOOO THE ANNNNGEEEEEEELLLLLS!"

September 26, 2005 8:34 PM  
Blogger Curious1 said...

Hop on Frodos fro and you'll feel like you're flyin... Ha Ha!!!
How did the "why you trippin son" routine workout?

September 27, 2005 9:49 AM  
Blogger babyjewels said...

I really thought googlewhacking was going to be something completely different.

September 27, 2005 12:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

DUDE, write something new! i've been checking for like a effing week! gracias...

September 27, 2005 2:50 PM  
Blogger msbrooksie said...

Always a laugh...

September 27, 2005 5:20 PM  
Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

What the hell did you eat to give you that fart flavor?

September 28, 2005 9:19 AM  
Blogger Johnny Menace said...

you count masturbating with oatmeal as part of your sex life?

September 28, 2005 9:54 AM  
Anonymous MrDIY said...

No, western dumbwaiter returned 5 results. 2 are from your site, so congratulations! :)

September 29, 2005 10:55 AM  
Blogger bricotrout said...

i do #2 all the time. and the @ 2 thats on your list as well

September 29, 2005 1:18 PM  
Blogger Meg said...

I was going to leave an insightful comment...but then I realized that you are way too popular for your own good!

September 29, 2005 7:21 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

try singing show tunes. that'll make you popular in the men's room.

is sgqkznmx a word??? i think this word ver thing is full of shit.

September 29, 2005 9:03 PM  
Anonymous Thirsty_Dave said...

Did anyone see the casual friday mentioned on the Today Show?

My codeword was vctbar

It sounds like a hangout for people with STD's

September 30, 2005 7:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's FRIIIIIIDAY! and no post. :(
I'm saddened and depressed now, must move on...

September 30, 2005 8:58 AM  
Blogger Geneva Dynamite said...

This once a week thing (if even that) doesn't work for me.

September 30, 2005 11:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good God, how do you come up with this stuff? Hilarious, as always.

Next time you're in the bathroom, try singing "Youth Gone Wild" while sounding like the Dyson guy.

October 03, 2005 8:19 AM  
Blogger Materiyal said...

Maybe you should get a colonoscopy????

November 15, 2005 1:21 PM  

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