Highlights of my Day
1. Considered what winning a life-time-supply of Quaker Oatmeal woud do for my sexlife
2. After about a minute of singing Skid Row's "Youth Gone Wild" in the bathroom at work, I realized I wasn't the only person in the bathroom
3. Had a dream in which everyone was wearing Hypercolor shirts
4. Had a fart that took at least 30 seconds to completely leave my ass
5. Found out that the lady who lives in my building, the old crazy one who smells like a garbage truck, is moving out this weekend
6. Obtained the preceeding information from my mail-man who looks just like Ludacris...I swear they could be brothers, not like "brothas"...I mean brothers
7. Won a $50 bet in which I had to talk like the guy from the Dyson commercials for an entire day
8. Thought about walking up to a complete stranger and saying, "Yo, why you been trippin lately son?...nah mean, cuz?"
9. Spent 4 hours at work "googlewhacking" (this is where you type in two random words in a google search, and try to find just one result) my only success was: western dumbwaitor
10. Considered bitting off my pinky just to leave work early
Fart Flavor of the Day: Sweaty hands that have been holding pennies all day, dipped in chocolate
2. After about a minute of singing Skid Row's "Youth Gone Wild" in the bathroom at work, I realized I wasn't the only person in the bathroom
3. Had a dream in which everyone was wearing Hypercolor shirts
4. Had a fart that took at least 30 seconds to completely leave my ass
5. Found out that the lady who lives in my building, the old crazy one who smells like a garbage truck, is moving out this weekend
6. Obtained the preceeding information from my mail-man who looks just like Ludacris...I swear they could be brothers, not like "brothas"...I mean brothers
7. Won a $50 bet in which I had to talk like the guy from the Dyson commercials for an entire day
8. Thought about walking up to a complete stranger and saying, "Yo, why you been trippin lately son?...nah mean, cuz?"
9. Spent 4 hours at work "googlewhacking" (this is where you type in two random words in a google search, and try to find just one result) my only success was: western dumbwaitor
10. Considered bitting off my pinky just to leave work early
Fart Flavor of the Day: Sweaty hands that have been holding pennies all day, dipped in chocolate
posted by immixmarketer at 12:01 AM
32 Comments:
Holy shit, I'm rolling here. I have also sung and/or talked to myself in the bathroom without realizing someone else was in there. But they were usually waiting for me to leave so they could take a nasty shit, so screw them.
God, I hate the penny/hand smell. My first job in high school was at Phar-Mor (like Wal-Mart) and I hated handling money because my hands always stunk. That's when I developed my addiction to handi-wipes.
Well, the guy on the cover of the oatmeal box is old but he's smilin, so who knows??? Course I happened to run into Wilford Brimley once and he was really really really nasty, but he also stopped making the commercial, so guess you're at 50-50 chances there.
We've got a chick at work who's got aspergers and she talks to herself in the stalls. It's quite weird.
Dyson's are fantastic! Just got a new one last weekend.
I think posh English accents are sexy. ;)
Dude, you don't have to do something as drastic as biting your pinky off. "Accidentally" get a staple stuck in your cheek. Also, it helps if you manage to get a nasty papercut on the corner of your mouth and your tongue. When asked how in the world you managed to do that, explain that it must have had something to do with the Pink Eye you were exposed to, while babysitting your baby's momma's cousin's children. Who might by yours, as well. But, don't claim them until the courts order it.
Of course, you could always say it's "that time of the month" - but only if your boss is a man. Women bosses won't let employees go home for that.
I don't think the oatmeal would improve your sexlife, but at least you'd be regular.
I really hate those long drawn out farts.....they are ultra disgusting. My grandmother walks around the house all day farting almost continuously....think that's the only reason she can walk so much is cause she's gas powered.
oh shit jsut shit myself. got you beat it took 45 seconds for my fart to finish today
Hey-I got 2 results for "western dumbwaitor". Keep up the good work!
1 result for "fartistic hypercolor"
that was fun.
Googlewacking? Why haven't I heard of this? I must try.
The oatmeal would certainly be good for your skin if you bathed in it. I'm shure you could get a suitable sized tub at Home Depot.
I 'googlewhack' all the time.
I mean, you know. Oops.
josipqxt--Josi P. Xt.
Sounds kinda porno-ish.
And here I thought googlewhacking was something else! And to think, I've been doing it wrong all this time. DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
You rock dude! So damn funny. I loved hypercolor shirts. They should come back.
i put my hypercolor t shirt in the dryer..it was never the same after that... *tear*
"Considered what winning a life-time-supply of Quaker Oatmeal woud do for my sexlife"
Well, it would probably slow you down at first... but once you got used to the extra weight you'd packed on, you'd be back in business... might start attracting a 'different group' of girls though...
"Spent 4 hours at work "googlewhacking" (this is where you type in two random words in a google search, and try to find just one result) my only success was: western dumbwaitor"
Oh gawd... you've just given me yet another excuse to refrain from actually *working* at my place of employment... thank you... and damn you, too...
oh yes, and me thinks the 'cute little box' is not going to be so cute any more after a few of those 'rough neck gang-raping- sessions' (comment above)... fah real, y'alls... nah mean?
What does it mean if your gaseous emmissions smell like Cheez Wiz and turpentine?
Maybe it's cuz I'm CDN, but what are Dyson commercials all about?.... I couldn't tell from the picture....
Yowza, my word ver was pvqegkxu.... these are getting ridiculous.
We have locks on all [both] the restrooms at work. It's probably because they're either/or, but it helps avoid embarrassing moments like this.
Dude, while on the subject of Skid Row, how can you forget SLAUGHTER?! Oh, yeah, "Cause now you've got to FLLLLYYYYYYY! FLLLLLLLY TOOO THE ANNNNGEEEEEEELLLLLS!"
Hop on Frodos fro and you'll feel like you're flyin... Ha Ha!!!
How did the "why you trippin son" routine workout?
I really thought googlewhacking was going to be something completely different.
DUDE, write something new! i've been checking for like a effing week! gracias...
you count masturbating with oatmeal as part of your sex life?
No, western dumbwaiter returned 5 results. 2 are from your site, so congratulations! :)
i do #2 all the time. and the @ 2 thats on your list as well
I was going to leave an insightful comment...but then I realized that you are way too popular for your own good!
try singing show tunes. that'll make you popular in the men's room.
is sgqkznmx a word??? i think this word ver thing is full of shit.
Did anyone see the casual friday mentioned on the Today Show?
My codeword was vctbar
It sounds like a hangout for people with STD's
It's FRIIIIIIDAY! and no post. :(
I'm saddened and depressed now, must move on...
Good God, how do you come up with this stuff? Hilarious, as always.
Next time you're in the bathroom, try singing "Youth Gone Wild" while sounding like the Dyson guy.
Maybe you should get a colonoscopy????
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