Friday, October 07, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Filed a lawsuit that states I was the original coreographer of Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation
2. Dreamt I huffed endust w/ Danny Bonaduce
3. Woke up and Danny Donaduce was passed out on my couch
4. Got a call from my stoner friend to let me know he invented the process of buttering corn with peanut butter
5. Took a $200 bet that I wouldn't replace the CEO's parking space sign with an "Parking for Assholes Only" sign
6. Killed 45 minutes at work by flipping a penny 100 times to see if the heads-to-tail odds would really be 50/50....ended up being 62 heads-to-38 tails
7. Made a note to never say "Tails never fails" ever again
8. Treated myself to 3 pints of Guiness and a round of Golden Tee on my lunch hour
9. Pretended that I was about to piss myself just to avoid my new neighbor, Deena (the cat lady)
10. Had a fart that sounded like my ass said, "Say what?" (high pitch followed by a base finish)

Fart Flavor of the Day: strawberries dipped in a liquid garbage fondu sauce

73 Comments:

Blogger Monica said...

Sweet Jesus, I'm first! So, did you replace the parking sign or what?

October 06, 2005 3:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a boss whos an asshole! You are not alone!

October 06, 2005 3:40 PM  
Blogger Elisha said...

the tail side is heavier

October 06, 2005 5:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

27 seconds per flip??

Do you work in low gravity?

:-)

October 06, 2005 6:29 PM  
Blogger ~The Goofy Ass Chick said...

Well, at least you weren't the coreographer for Milli Vanilli.

October 06, 2005 7:04 PM  
Blogger Chesty said...

I didn't go t work today and everybody called me for tech support - everybody. the whole freaking office.

October 06, 2005 7:48 PM  
Blogger Tammy said...

The guy that calculated the seconds per flip really has nothing better to do. These highlights were better than the last, however, I still did not crack a smile. Maybe it's my mood.

October 06, 2005 8:50 PM  
Blogger Traceysiobhan said...

Hey, I came up with Janet's arm/elbow jab move for that video while in a mosh pit during college.
Both Ms. Jackson and you will be hearing shortly from my attorney.

October 06, 2005 9:11 PM  
Anonymous Sweet Caroline said...

Sweet I am the 9th person to post! Still waiting on the truffle shuffle. I think you should do it right after you replace the CEO's parking sign, in his parking space. Might get double your money.........just a thought

October 07, 2005 12:06 AM  
Blogger platkat said...

You may not be able to get Danny Bona-dousche off your couch, but take comfort in the fact that he is not acting a certain way because the cameras are rolling. He told me himself.

October 07, 2005 12:14 AM  
Blogger BadGod said...

What happened to you?

These are not as funny anymore.

Sorry.

October 07, 2005 3:10 AM  
Blogger -RM said...

I too will stop saying "tails never fails" :-(.

October 07, 2005 5:04 AM  
Blogger Jinsane said...

I'm new to this post. I'll be checking back. You have the same type of smartass sense of humor that I do, and I love it!

October 07, 2005 7:02 AM  
Blogger Candee said...

Well, at least you found lunch for under $15...maybe they should run Guiness and Golfing as a special. That's my kinda place!

October 07, 2005 7:38 AM  
Blogger Curious1 said...

If you choreagraphed rythm nation, I hope you didn't pick out those outfits for the video too.

October 07, 2005 9:54 AM  
Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

I got more heads than tails too. So to speak.

October 07, 2005 10:51 AM  
Blogger austinizer said...

dude i'm way funnier than you. oo aa oh oh

October 07, 2005 2:19 PM  
Blogger DaMasta said...

I think if you do these more often and don't structure the list to 10, then maybe you'd find more creativity.

Take it from a girl who does a list of 10 every so often. Yeah.

What am I talking about? You're a genius! And I love you cause you're name is Brian.

October 07, 2005 2:40 PM  
Blogger Crazy Me said...

Peanut butter on corn ... ewwww!

October 07, 2005 3:54 PM  
Blogger msbrooksie said...

Where is your book deal? You need to publish this! I want to give it for x-mas presents!

October 07, 2005 4:58 PM  
Blogger LBseahag said...

I so was hoping you were the coreographer of the wardrobe malfunction or the party at neverland that just was not enough proof to convict...

October 08, 2005 1:13 AM  
Blogger Zepplinlady said...

#3-On the plus side:At least you found Danny passed out on your couch rather than beside you in bed.
#10-kinda goes with the territory for the fart flavor of the day.Slang phrases and fondue parties... "The 60's and 70's revisited.

And, for the record, I still find your blog very entertaining. Thanks Brian.

October 08, 2005 5:14 PM  
Blogger Johnny Menace said...

your ass needs its own blog.

October 09, 2005 8:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow! I didn't know your version of blogger didn't have the spell check feature. Maybe they'll upgrade your account soon. Or maybe you should go take a night class at your local JC. Doof.

October 09, 2005 8:38 AM  
Blogger BadGod said...

When is he gonna get published?!

I love it when people say things like that. He makes a list of ten things and 90% of the time they are not funny.

October 09, 2005 12:45 PM  
Blogger alannajoy said...

dude ur shit SHOULD be published...oh and Danny Bonadouce said to say whats up...he's currently face down passed out on my persian rug...
alannajoy

October 09, 2005 10:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love your stuff -- but "choreographer" is the proper spelling.

October 10, 2005 9:49 AM  
Blogger Mary said...

I agree with the thought of "post more often." This sucks only getting these on Monday morning.

October 10, 2005 10:56 AM  
Blogger angelatee said...

I used to tape Janet Jackson videos and try to learn the dance routines. This was in junior high.

October 10, 2005 10:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

why stop at the "CEO's parking space sign with an "Parking for Assholes Only" sign"...just put one right on his door. i've often thought of putting one on my manager's office.

October 10, 2005 1:52 PM  
Blogger The Megan said...

Holy Cow... I'm the 31st person to post!! What are the odds????

Seriously though... I find liquid lunches of the inebrious variety make getting through the second half of the day MUCH easier... especially when it's a MONDAY... my lunch consisted of 1 tuaca lemondrop followed by a Swamp Thing at Razoos... and a side of fried pickles... mmmmmm...

October 10, 2005 2:06 PM  
Blogger AKH said...

I knew that statistics class was a waste of time.

October 10, 2005 2:59 PM  
Blogger Lake Allison said...

That fart flavor actually sounds pretty tasty..

October 10, 2005 3:42 PM  
Blogger kristin said...

I had a fart that said "Heeeeeeeeeelp meeeeeee" once. It was very creepy AND smelly.

October 11, 2005 10:33 AM  
Blogger The Wedding Party said...

i have to agree with badgod, most of this isn't funny anymore.

October 11, 2005 7:19 PM  
Blogger alex said...

like ur idea....its awesome....

October 12, 2005 10:26 AM  
Blogger BadGod said...

Want a funny blog?
Go over to the wedding party's blog.

That is funny. This is not.

October 14, 2005 4:34 AM  
Anonymous Sara said...

Ignore all the big meanies a.k.a. ass wipes, who say you aren't funny anymore. You're still funny, and you're still a hottie! Yeah that's right!

October 14, 2005 1:22 PM  
Blogger blair said...

You're still funnier than me!

Keep posting. How ironic that the people who don't think you're funny anymore, seem to keep coming back for more.

CRACKHEADS!!!

October 16, 2005 5:21 AM  
Blogger Snape said...

Hi,
Have a super day!
luv,
Sevy

October 16, 2005 9:53 AM  
Blogger Woman with a Secret said...

First time visitor, this is funny stuff.

October 16, 2005 5:58 PM  
Blogger Gloria Glo said...

Wow. I congratulate you on number of flames per entry. it's something to aspire to....I found this craziness hilarious (oh, how I love to be in the minority!). Though some would claim I'm rather easily amused.

October 17, 2005 3:26 PM  
Blogger allison said...

loved the "5-4-3-2-1" thing janet did with her hand. nice work.

October 18, 2005 9:20 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

UPDATE!!! Please update . . . I need my Casual Friday fix . . . You're too funny not to update!

October 18, 2005 4:26 PM  
Blogger stimul8 said...

Great Blog...Your highlights are interesting. Next time I'm bored I'll try the coin flip.

October 18, 2005 5:38 PM  
Blogger feio said...

Keep up the good work, Brian! You're a very funny person!!! Filipe

October 19, 2005 2:45 AM  
Blogger Yaz said...

Head never fails, B.

October 19, 2005 9:31 AM  
Blogger CitySoul said...

you're funny

October 20, 2005 10:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You were funny 2 WEEKS AGO.

I can't tell whether you're still funny or not, since you haven't given us anything new. If you're not gonna update, you'd better call it "The Casual Month" or something.

October 21, 2005 6:43 AM  
Blogger messedupmuggle said...

hey r u hot or not we cant tell and how old r u i need a sexy lover

October 21, 2005 8:17 AM  
Blogger Rayray said...

Wheeeeere aaaare yoooou?

October 21, 2005 9:48 AM  
Blogger amanda said...

where's frodo teabaggins?

October 21, 2005 2:46 PM  
Blogger amanda said...

where's frodo teabaggins?

October 21, 2005 2:46 PM  
Blogger Faithmy said...

I think FEIO is hitting on you....should we leave you alone?

October 21, 2005 3:48 PM  
Blogger crallspace said...

Wait? When I say "Say what" I don't go from high to low... who the fuck are you listening to say that shit?

October 22, 2005 6:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When are you going to update your site?...you are missed!

October 23, 2005 3:35 PM  
Blogger beernazi said...

you spelt Guinness wrong you dumbass. That's sacrilege.

October 23, 2005 7:29 PM  
Blogger Friends of McDougal said...

Brian's days have become tedious and tired with fewer and fewer highlights.

I recommend you replace the farts you usually use with oxycodone.

October 24, 2005 5:17 AM  
Blogger Candee said...

Maybe you are more ill than normal?! Too weak to type, must rest, kind of thing. Hope you are well, will check back sometime.

October 24, 2005 8:12 AM  
Blogger messedupmuggle said...

dude i need a laughf come back>>

October 24, 2005 2:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wouldn't update either, with all the jackasses leaving negative comments on the blog. If it isn't funny anymore, stop writing it over and over again like anyone gives a damn. Go back to writing on your stupid blogs no one reads, instead of critizing the man for stupid spelling errors and other bullcrap.

October 24, 2005 3:37 PM  
Blogger blair said...

r u saving the whales or something?
Trust me when I say, we are more pathetic and helpless without you.

We are all sounding like psycho ex-girlfriends, but please come back. We'll be better. I promise.

October 24, 2005 7:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why are the "anonymous" one's always so pissy?!

October 25, 2005 11:45 AM  
Blogger Uber said...

You should do something more productive with your work day. Allow me to suggest you purchase an electric pencil sharpener and a thousand pencils.

Signed,

A Crazy yet Alarmingly Attractive Cat Lady (bwahahaha) ;)

October 25, 2005 3:48 PM  
Blogger blair said...

"Highlights of MY Day"

1. Fowarded an article to my entire company entitled, "How an Unfair "Crummy" Boss can shorten your life!

2. Dreamt I was picking out china patterns with my gay co-worker, Ellen.

3. Woke up wondering about my sexuality

4. Wondered if all gay women were named Ellen?

5. Got an email from a guy on match.com who told me that he could attach his picture cause the file was too large..replied back, "Maybe you should lose some weight and try again?"

6. Coaxed my dog to poop on the lawn of the neighbor I hate.

7. Told people at work that Yom Kippur was when God decided who was going to live another year and also when he reviewed the new fall fashions.

8. Scheduled a Starbucks date with a hottie.

9. Made a fart that smelled like Chocolate covered rotten eggs

10. Lit a match

October 25, 2005 7:04 PM  
Blogger BadGod said...

Is he dead?

Wouldn't that be a trip if he is like sitting in front of his computer, dead. I bet that has happened before.

Not to him, but someone out there, I mean.

October 26, 2005 3:49 AM  
Blogger purplesimon said...

Are you dead?

October 26, 2005 5:50 AM  
Blogger purplesimon said...

I think he's actually choreographing a new Janet Jackson video.

Watch this space.

October 26, 2005 5:52 AM  
Blogger mamadukez said...

Okay...Uncle! Where'dya go?

October 26, 2005 7:09 PM  
Blogger Kay Ray said...

I heard Janet J has a secret kid... she didn't know she was prego LOL..

October 27, 2005 8:34 AM  
Blogger William AHN said...

Oh~ What's wrong with this blog..
Are you frozen?

October 27, 2005 12:05 PM  
Blogger William AHN said...

Hightlight of the my day..
I opened refrigerator..
And I got frozen..

October 27, 2005 12:09 PM  
Blogger tami said...

But still... did you win the $200?!

November 02, 2005 8:56 AM  

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