Thursday, October 27, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Discovered calling off work to watch an I Love the 80's marathon was so worth it
2. Considered what owning a mint-condition Nintendo with PowerPad would do for my sex life
3. Asked a worker in Starbucks if he could point me to the nearest Eiffel Tower
4. Added to his confusion by quickly demanding an M&M Blizzard with sprinkles
5. Pretended to be on my cell phone asking somebody on the other end how to wipe my ass, when a co-worker entered the stall next to me..."Did you say I wipe back to front? Or front to back?"
6. Called up to the HR department to find out if question #5 on my 2006 employee health benefits form, "Do you smoke?" meant cigarettes or "like other stuff"
7. Wondered if anyone would be offended if I show up on Halloween dressed as a hurricane victim (will require lugging around a bucket of water to dump on myself every 10 minutes)
8. Shattered last months numbers by only being spotted twice scratching my balls in public
9. Dreamt I was Janet Jackson's secret daughter...err, huh?
10. Realized even at the age of 24, I still like to spin globes and pretend wherever my finger is when it stops is where I will live....Go Madagascar!

Fart Flavor of the Day: Warm Apple Cider with a splash of ashtrey

Sorry for the 3 weeks with no post...I've been held hostage and forced to wear a sweater vest and tie....SOS!

Friday, October 07, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Filed a lawsuit that states I was the original coreographer of Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation
2. Dreamt I huffed endust w/ Danny Bonaduce
3. Woke up and Danny Donaduce was passed out on my couch
4. Got a call from my stoner friend to let me know he invented the process of buttering corn with peanut butter
5. Took a $200 bet that I wouldn't replace the CEO's parking space sign with an "Parking for Assholes Only" sign
6. Killed 45 minutes at work by flipping a penny 100 times to see if the heads-to-tail odds would really be 50/50....ended up being 62 heads-to-38 tails
7. Made a note to never say "Tails never fails" ever again
8. Treated myself to 3 pints of Guiness and a round of Golden Tee on my lunch hour
9. Pretended that I was about to piss myself just to avoid my new neighbor, Deena (the cat lady)
10. Had a fart that sounded like my ass said, "Say what?" (high pitch followed by a base finish)

Fart Flavor of the Day: strawberries dipped in a liquid garbage fondu sauce

Monday, October 03, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Considered what taking up bird watching would do for my sex life.
2. Saw a midget struggling at a drinking fountain
3. Spent the next 5 minutes watching that midget struggle
4. Tried to deposit "movie money" into my Fifth Third bank account
5. Met my new neighbor, Clyde, he asked if I would want to watch NASCAR with him sometime
6. Met Clyde's wife, Deena, she talked for 30 straight minutes about their three cats, Milly, Molly, and Noodles
7. Called the moving company to find out when I needed to return the rental truck, I also asked what they wanted me to do about the little boys arm that was still stuck in the front grill...they didn't find it funny
8. Answered the question; "Who actually buys this shit?" when a guy at the gas station was complaining that the condom machine in the bathroom took his money
9. Glued my fingers and toes together to see if I could swim faster
10. Asked random people if I could sign their casts... (they didn't have any broken bones)