Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Highlights of My Day (A Conversation with the Members of Rockapella)

Ask and you shall receive: Rockapella
This is your one and only chance to ask Jeff, Scott, Sean, Barry & Elliot what it is like to be a member of one of the greatest bands of our time.

You all owe me big for this....

1. Jeff, is it true that you were threatened to be kicked out of the band for messing around with a gumshoe?
2. Sean, it could have been a rumor, but was there anything going on between you and Chief?
3. Scott, people tell me all the time that I look like somebody they know....I think it's you, how does that make you feel?
4. And another thing Scott, I love the way you tight-rolled your jeans, what was your secret?
5. Elliot, did you ever overcome your $9,000/day (1992 street value) coke habit?
6. Barry, it is obvious that you continue to inspire today's youth, how do you deal with the pressure?
7. Jeff, where do you see yourself 5 years from now?
8. Scott, as the leadsinger of the band, was it your insticts that lead the band to such classics as the Folgers Coffee commercial?
9. Barry, you let many of your fans down when you were caught in '91 with a bag of mushrooms and a 14 year-old asian hooker, what do you have to say to your fans?
10. Finally, I just have to ask, what is it like knowing that every superstar in the music industry has you to thank for their inspiration and muse?

Monday, August 29, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Got stuck in traffic behind this guy
2. Told my co-workers to let me know if they see Dog the Bounty Hunter anywhere around the building
3. Dreamt I was asked to be the new Noxzema model
4. Continue to make progress in proving my theory that 6 billion TV's and a Saved by the Bell channel on 24/7, could create world peace
5. Took a couple people aside at my new job and told them that I was really a 6 year ventren sent over from the corporate office...I assured them that they were good...but cutbacks were "a'comin"
6. Found somebody more annoying that Ron (aka Ronski)...Phil (aka the guy who pretends he's always going to hit you in the gut, but doesn't, instead he laughs and says, "whoah, got the new guy"...then proceeds to give you a high-five)
7. Blamed taking an hour and a half lunch on "not hearing any bell or whistle to let me know time was up"
8. Remembered the time I got stoned and tried to turn in a missing person file for "Carmen SanDiego"
9. Found the squeekiest chair in the office...the perfect cover-up for flachulance
10. Daydreamed about how awesome it would be if when I got off work, if it was just like when Fred Flintstone gets off work

Fart Flavor of the Day: Beer Battered Candy Canes

Friday, August 26, 2005

Highlights of My Day (First Day at New Job)

1. Asked my co-workers what they did over their summer vacation
2. Let out a muffled "bullshit" during the new employee orientation, they were discussing improper usage of the internet
3. Had a 3 martini lunch
4. Drew a picture of me and my boss holding hands under a rainbow...gave it to her
5. Starting eying out who I would want my "Secret Santa" to be this holiday season
6. Tried to pick out the office slut
7. Took a mental note that I was never officially given a talk on workplace sexual harassment
8. Discovered a red Swingline Stapler in my desk
9. Met a fellow employee, Ron, he used the term super-duper at least 5 times
10. Ron also substitutes the term ".com" with ".comski!"

Fart Flavor of the Day: Eggplant Parm lightly covered with sunflower seeds
Lie of the Day: I would make out with Rachel Dratch to meet Will Farrell

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Paid my buddy's 12-year-old brother to wear a shirt that says "Eat Shit" on his 1st day of school
2. Woke up sitting on a curb while getting yelled at by a cabby...he said I puked in his taxi, I said, "I think that was there when I got in man."
3. Realized around 2:3o p.m. on Tuesday that it wasn't around 2:30 p.m. on Sunday
4. Wrote a business plan for a restuarant that only serves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
5. Invented the game "How fast can you get kicked out of a buffet restuarant"
6. Trained my nephew to quit calling the bathroom the "potty"...he now refers to it as "the crapper" (sounds like cwappur)
7. Got into an arguement in a bar with this kid I knew from the 6th grade, Dan Lincoln, he used to tell people Abe Lincoln was his great grandpa...after all those years, the lies finally got to me
8. Collected $100 from a bet, after I successfully slapped a random person across the face
9. Realized I've just about made it through the summer without seeing any carnies
10. While blowing out my birthday candles, I made a wish that everyone would remind me to make a wish

Friday, August 19, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Felt old as I realized all the kids going back to school this week are being checked for lice, while my lice now goes unrecognized
2. Followed around a lady in the mall and kept whispering, "If you build it...they will come."
3. Dreamt Tara Reid beat me in a game of tic-tac-toe in front of all my friends
4. Wrote in a request to Eli Lilly that the Cialis slogan of "when the moment is right, will you be ready" be changed to "let's go right now biaaaaatch"
5. Started an underground Beer Pong* league at work
6. By turning a back scratcher 180 degrees, I invented a balls scratcher
7. Made a hitlist of all the kids that went to my high school that I felt were making hitlists
8. Kept asking the lady next to me on the train if I could hold her baby...she didn't have a baby
9. Discovered the fastest way to get through a long line is to crap your pants 10 seconds before
10. Began preparing for my birthday (Saturday, Aug. 20th, 5:25 pm) by blowing out some ladies candles on her retirement cake

*beer pong is a drinking game played by frat guys, sluts, and dudes with sideways trucker hats
Fart Flavor of the Day: two bums having sex while chewing tabacco
80's Name of the Day: Makes Out at Roller Rink

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Considered what eating meatloaf everyday would do for my sex life
2. Stood in the middle of the road with a bat and ball, and starting hitting "grounders" to people on the sidewalk
3. Bought a sweet new bike
4. Finally found an outfit to wear for my first day on the job
5. Picked a buger that looked like Massachusetts
6. Tried to start a game of tag on the elevator
7. Started yelling, "No tag-backs!"
8. Double-dared myself to shove our buildings mail lady
9. Had vodka and popcorn for lunch...again
10. Finally finished building my new store

Fart Flavor of the Day: Two turds swimming in Sprite

Friday, August 12, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Considered what a chicken-pox outbreak would do for my sexlife
2. Hot glue gunned a bunch of my old trophies into one huge trophy
3. Dreamt I was the paperboy in the video game...Paperboy
4. In a crowded elevator, started yelling, "I think my water just broke!"
5. Sent out a bunch of resumes stating my name was Abe Lincoln, Bachelors of Science in Honesty, 2.35 GPA
6. Wore a pledge pin on my uniform
7. Me and my buddy Wyatt created a girlfriend
8. Attacked random people on the street with Silly String
9. Got into an arguement that Hillary Swank won her oscar for Karate Kid 3
10. Regained the record for who can hold their breath under water the longest at the pool...I beat Jaimie (9 yrs. old) by 5 Mississippi's

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Had a brain fart which was immediately followed by a real fart (see below for flavor)
2. Watched the Weather Channel for 12 hours in a row...memorized the weekend outlook for 15 major cities
3. Wondered if jet streams are caused by jets
4. Let my neighbors dog out...totally ignored the huge pile of shit on the living room floor
5. Got a phone call about some contest I entered last month using the name Herby Versmelz..."Hi may I speak with Herby Versmelz?" say it a few times
6. Told a taxi driver to take me to every Starbucks in the city...he said..."You quit fucking around now..and tell Icmabala where you want to go."
7. Met a taxi driver who refers to himself in third person
8. Started a new hobby of looking for people who are obvisously waiting for somebody, and going up to them and saying, "who are you waiting for?" and they say something like "Mike", and then I say either, "Ah, me to." and just stand there. Or "Yeah, Mike told me to tell you he wasn't gonna be able to make it today." and just walk away
9. Threw a rock at a couple riding a tandem bike
10. Outran a tandem bike

Lie of the Day: My grandma and a bunch of her friends invented the color hazel
Fart Flavor of the Day: Green beans inside a garbage truck
80's Name of the Day: Travels with TrapperKeeper

Monday, August 08, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Played a game of "how much shit can I knock of the shelves at Target"
2. Tried to order an M&M Blizzard with cookie dough at Starbucks
3. Had a dream I owned the yacht from Jay-Z's video...woke up in a bathtub
4. Also, in the same dream, I dreamt I was making out with Beyonce...woke up in the bathtub rubbing a loofah
5. Ate silly putty out of pure boredom
6. Shat out silly putty...renamed it shitty putty
7. TiVo'd the 2005 Miss USA contest...I now have plans for the entire weekend
8. Ran into a girl I went to high school with and literally said out loud, "hey...(slight pause) I have no clue what your name is."...smooth
9. Ran up and down my hallway yelling "Ready or not...here I come!"
10. Invented "Lucky Golden Smacks"...combining the fluffy marshmellows from lucky charms, and the crispy crunch of golden grahms with the added feature of Smacks' cereal making your urine smell quite odd..."all together 9 of 10 tastebuds say it's brilliant"

Fart Flavor of the Day: Grilled Styrofoam on a Sesame Seed Bun
80's Name of the Day: Speaks with Teddy Ruxpin

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Quick Note

If you haven't linked The Casual Friday please please please do...I only have a few more days on Blogger's homepage.
Thanks again to everyone who has been linked up since day 1...enjoy the blog.
-Boy Friday-

Highlights of My Day

1. Aggressively sniffed my fingers in a crowded elevator
2. Had a dream that I married Ms. Garrett from the Facts of Life....Tootie!
3. Wondered why guys named William go by Bill, but never Billiam
4. Stole the idea of "indian names" from the Native Americans, and began the newest craze, "80's names!"...mine is "Dances with Stonewash Jeans"
5. Began writing my thesis: The Segregation Between White & Dark Chocolates
6. Purchased a huge poster of Bob Marley smoking a joint to hang in my new cubicle
7. After further review, the phrase "Pimpin' Aint Easy" is complete bullshit...that has the be the easiest job in the world
8. Realized dropping acid + a swimming pool = 10' x 15' tub of jell-o
9. Continue to wait patiently for an episode of Iron Chef where chefs are only allowed to use an Easy Bake Oven
10. Invented popcorn flavored butter

Fart Flavor of the Day: pumpkin pie dipped in gasoline

Each $4.00 donation...I will provide you with your very own 80's name.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Considered what having a dorsal fin would do for my sex life
2. Yelled "Mission accomplished!" after stopping to tie my shoes on a busy sidewalk
3. Tested the SPF of maple syrup...it is comparable to that of SPF 30
4. Weirded people out at the pool as I rubbed maple syrup on myself
5. Began using the salutation, "Boobs are great," at the closing of each e-mail and letter I write
6. Took a $1,000 bet in which I will have to shotgun a beer in the middle of an upcoming job interview
7. Practiced stop-drop-and roll, and looking both ways techniques
8. Set a new goal of writing a book which can be judged by it's cover
9. Revealed my true identity
10. Began selling wrist bands that say "What Would R. Kelly Do?"

Monday, August 01, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Wrote "J.K. Rawlings was here" on the shitter stall in Barnes and Noble
2. Asked an old lady at the train station if the 13 o'clock train was running on time
3. Pretended to fall asleep while riding on an elevator
4. Asked the house keeper at my hotel why it is called "continental breakfast"...she responded with, "you wan room kreen o no kreened?"
5. Wondered why the 3 little pigs didn't go in on a house together in the first place
6. Sent in the patent paperwork for my beer-flavored toothpaste
7. Discovered a website dedicated to the 3rd and final installment of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
8. Continue to thank the people at Aunt Jemima
9. Had a fart that smelled like Cheerios smoothered with Southern Comfort
10. Thought about kidnapping Andy Milonakis

Lie of the Day: My sister is the reason why the Gin Blossoms broke up