Thursday, July 28, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Snotted when I sneezed...I have no clue where it went
2. Began my plans to date a Jewish girl during this holiday season, just to celebrate Christmikah like they do on the O.C.
3. Put in a bid on E-bay motors for an '85 short bus
4. Finally decided what I will go as for Halloween 2005.....Sarah Jessica Parker
5. Day dreamed about playing bacce ball with Nick Nolte (and yes...that is his autograph)
6. Totally got caught singing Foot Loose while waiting at a stop light
7. Called U-Haul to see "how many immigrants they thought I could pile up in the back of one of those things"
8. Wondered if Chelsea Clinton ever grew out of her "awkward stage"
9. Dared my buddy to go into work tomorrow with grass stains on his suit pants
10. Asked my grandma to convince my mom into giving me an allowance again

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Started a competitive hop-scotch league
2. Let out a fart that I swear sounded like my ass said, "Huh?"
3. Wondered if anyone ever mistook mace for binaca
4. Found a calculator under my bed...spelled out "BOOBS"
5. Remembered how spelling "BOOBIES" was, and is, the only thing that has ever made me laugh harder
6. Deep fried a potato
7. Took off the door sign from the Work Out room, and put it on my neighbors door
8. Unsuccessfully attempted to break my all-time record for consecutive hours sitting on the couch
9. Wondered if anyone has ever beaten my elementary school Fit for Life record in "Sit and Reach"
10. Began making what will one day become the largest foil ball ever

Friday, July 22, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Threw a fit
2. Seriously considered getting a "bowl" haircut
3. Ran out of lunch meat...invented the Doritos sandwich
4. Mapquested the North Pole
5. Shat out a T-bone
6. Wondered if people still get braces, or if that was just a fad of the 80's & 90's
7. Continued my quest to track down Don Lupre, and kick his ass
8. Farts are smelling like black liquorish and orange juice
9. Sent in a request to be on MTV Made...I want to learn how to make somebody my prison bitch
10. Re-named the STD term for "the clap" to "the applause"

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Considered what bunk beds would do for my sex life
2. Tried to join the local Elk's Club
3. Realized the only thing more fucked up than playing paintball on acid is ballroom dancing on ecstasy
4. Entertained myself by filling out Mad Libs with dirty words
5. Dreamt I played Wesley on Mr. Belvedere
6. Self-proclaimed that I am an expert in pressure points
7. Got over my jealously of kids who's parents bought them Powerwheels when I was little
8. My new entrance music for entering work, restaurants, malls, or my apartment, will be the sound effect from "A Current Affair"
9. Tried to dip milk in a glass of Oreos
10. Finally understand why anything multiplied by 0 ='s 0

Lie of the Day: My uncles are Ben and Jerry

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

The Highlights of My Day

1. Aggressively yelled at the kids playing Marco polo by the pool...Again
2. Pretty sure I overhead one of them call me a "fuckin ass clown"
3. Saw a lady with the longest ass known to man
4. Had vodka and popcorn for lunch
5. Sank your battleship
6. Realized the only thing keeping "nut-hugger" shorts from making a comeback was me
7. Inhaled paint fumes with the maintenance guys at my building
8. Asked for a Dick Burger at the Carl's Jr. drive-thru
9. Submitted a script for a sitcom whos characters are obsessed with game shows and try out for reality shows
10. Nominated Brother Dog for the worst mullet of the year award

Lie of the Day: That kid who keeps winning the hotdog eating contests, used to be a foreign exchange student in my high school

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Had a wordrobe malfunction
2. Located the manufacturer of the Cosby family's sweaters
3. Decided Martin Lawrence's new movie "Rebound" should have been titled "Damn Gina!"
4. Talked to Jesus...Jesus Gonzales, my mom's lawn guy
5. Had a fart that smelled like Italian beef sprinkled with saw dust
6. My new goal in life is to become the next Oxi-Clean spokesman
7. Sent an e-mail to Paulie Shore just to see if he is desperate enough to reply
8. Became suspicious of an old lady at Lowes who was buying the needed materials to make a beer bong
9. Invited myself to her house later on tonight
10. Realized how much of a sell out Bruce Bruce has become

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Got a black eye from walking into a door...told my friends and family that I was in an abusive relationship
2. Thus far, half of my farts have smelled like toothpaste
3. The other half have been combinations of Cheetos and green peppers, with hints of pineapple
4. Came across this file that I downloaded a while back...funny yet terrible
5. Continue to be amazed by the fact that a clean kitchen floor allows anyone to do the moon-walk
6. Wondered if when people call in to order info-mercial stuff, and the sales person says, "If you promise to tell 5 of your friends, we will include the solid food injector at no cost."..if they respond with, "Ah, ya know, to be honest, I really don't think I'll be running into many people that I know anytime soon, so, unfortunately, you're gonna have to leave me out on that offer."
7. Totally got caught picking my nose
8. Dreamt that I was back in high school taking the SAT's, and all the questions were like, what is your favorite movie...color...who is your best friend?...I bet I did terrible...I just know it!
9. Tasted contact solution...not sexual contact solution...eye contact solution
10. Told the saleswoman at Victoria's Secret that I thought my sister would look awesome in this *holding up a thong*

Lie of the Day...My great, great, great grandpa invented being left-handed

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Woke up in the middle of the night freezing, fell back asleep and had a dream that their was a balls freezing off epidemic going on in Canada
2. Sang the O'Jays hit "Love Train" in the shower...pretty sure my neighbors could hear me
3. Realized everyone I know named Chris either has a speech impediment or is married to a Mexican
4. Watched a lady pay for her food at drive-thu window #1, and forgot to stop at #2 for her food
5. 30 seconds later I saw a guy walk into McDonald's who looked like he ate fast food about every 15 minutes
6. Started smoking cigarettes just so I can be that asshole who lights one up and says "don't start smoking man, this shit will kill you."
7. Admitted to myself that I am obsessed with other people's away messages on IM
8. Sent in another audition tape to the casting director of The O.C.
9. Had a fart that smelled like burnt rubber
10. Asked the lifeguard at the pool if she knew where I could get some arm floaties

Lie of the day:
My mom and her college roommate invented quilted toilet paper

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. A bird collided into my apartment window
2. Either the same bird or it's equally retarded cousin did the same thing 10 minutes later
3. Ate cereal for both breakfast and lunch
4. Saved money by testing out golf clubs for an hour at Dicks Sporting Goods instead of going to the driving range
5. Was reminded for the 3rd day in a row that I had corn last Friday
6. Started a terrorist group that is against terrorists...the 71 virgins should be awesome
7. Faked interest in a new iPod just to check my e-mails at the Apple store
8. Fell into a self-induced coma due to an extraordinary amount of Chinese food
9. Began worrying if those tiny corns in Chinese food have the same effect as regular corn
10. Determined my new alias at hotels will be "Mr. Ugly"

Monday, July 11, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Got double-dog-dared
2. Successfully opened a Capri-Sun on my first try
3. Drank a 40 oz. ...poured some out for my homies
4. Booked O-Town to perform at my grandparents 65th anniversary
5. Declared I will be the winner of this years Publishers Clearing House $1,000,000 contest
6. Fed my neighbor's dog some Pop Rocks
7. Watched an Irish Setter try to figure what the fuck was happening to him
8. Practiced doing spit takes
9. Officially re-named my nuts from "Simon" and "Garfunkle" to "Lionel" and "Richie"
10. Continue to be turned on by the commercials

Friday, July 08, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Wrote a letter to Oprah asking for $1,000,000 straight up
2. Thought I saw Rudy Huxtable's friend "Peter" (the fat quite neighbor) walking down the street
3. Got a feeling that tater-tots are on the verge of a huge comeback
4. Continued to narrow down my final selections for a Halloween costume
5. Had a discussion with a complete stranger on the techniques of wiping ones ass
6. Updated my "If I ever see them in person, I'll knock them out" list...Constantine Maroulis moved up one spot this week
7. Adults who read Harry Potter still maintain the #1 spot
8. Substituted gum for brushing my teeth
9. Watched a guy on Cheaters get a sword pulled on him when confronting his cheating girlfriend
10. Practiced doing the robot for roughly an hour

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Flinched when a huge bug hit my windshield
2. Stole some beef jerky from a gas station
3. Asked the gas station clerk if she was interested in taking a look at my resume
4. Finally saw a decent looking mom breast feeding her kid in public
5. Thought about how sweet life would be if I were a truck driver
6. While doing about 85 mph, I was passed by what appeared to be a midget doing like 105
7. Had a dream I was in bed with both of the Olsen twins...Mary Kate just wanted to watch though
8. Saw a grown man pick his nose and eat it...I now know what I will look like in 20 years
9. Got teary eyed when Roxette's "Listen to your Heart" came on the radio
10. Read an emotional interview given by G.I. Jow Bazooka

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Highlights of My 4th of July Weekend

I hope everyone had a great 4th!

1. Thought about all the places I would go if I were invisible
2. Accidentally farted while sneezing
3. Purposely farted 5 minutes later
4. Practiced my first kiss moves on my arm
5. Wondered who in the fuck enjoys eating at Cracker Barrel
6. Got wasted, played BINGO, yelled "Big Money, No Whammy!" after every number was read
7. Argued with a carnie that yelling "Big Money, No Whammy!" in no way could throw off a game of BINGO, mostly because in my opinion, "Big Money, No Whammy!" sounds nothing like "BINGO!"
8. Wore a fake moustache to a 4th of July party
9. Was involved in a physical altercation with a 16 year old for putting in a Bare Naked Ladies CD at the same party
10. Discovered that no matter how drunk you are, 5 bottle rockets in each hand won't fly you to the moon

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Drank a fifth of Jack Daniels and played Nintendo's Duck Hunt
2. Started feeling guilty around stage 7, and I turned the gun on myself
3. Began dating Katie Holmes to promote my upcoming birthday
4. Learned the difference between cereal sprinkled with sugar and cereal sprinkled with crystal meth
5. 99.9% sure the guy in front of me at Starbucks sharted his pants
6. Put a 1/4 stick of dynamite in my buddy's next-door-neighbor's grill
7. Pretty sure I ruined an upcoming cookout
8. Perfected my ability to pick things up with my toes
9. Told a kid at Blockbuster that he had head-lice
10. Asked my waitress where she learned to toss a salad so well

Friday, July 01, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Avoided a dead squirrel in the road...ran over a bird
2. Drunk and confused, challenged the night door man to an arm wrestling duel at 2:00 AM
3. Tried to make square pancakes
4. Practiced my new fake laugh while in the elevator with the building manager
5. Still had sleep (aka "sleep dust", "eye bugers") in my eyes at 1:15 PM
6. Lobbied for Websters Dictionary to include the word "ginormous" in their next printing
7. Tried to figure out how Montell Williams has looked the same since 1993
8. Caught the best episode of Family Ties, when Tom Hanks guest starred as the alcoholic uncle, Ed Donnely, and realizes he has a drinking problem after he bitch slapped Alex P. Keaton across the living room
9. Fucked with a telemarketer...told him I was hiding in a closet with my little brother, and that our dad was getting ready to beat the shit out of us
10. Told my grandma that her chocolate chip cookies might help me get that job at NASA (see # 4)