Friday, September 30, 2005

Postponed Highlights

I promise a brand new, fresh, and better than ever post on Monday...I'm moving to a new apartment all day today and tomorrow...Also, I fucking hate you guys, so those two things together equal this shotty post.

Quick Fact #1: Today I celebrate the 8,801 st day of my existance...
Quick Fact #2: Today I celebrate the 8,801 st day I've avoided being stabbed.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Highlights of my Day

1. Considered what winning a life-time-supply of Quaker Oatmeal woud do for my sexlife
2. After about a minute of singing Skid Row's "Youth Gone Wild" in the bathroom at work, I realized I wasn't the only person in the bathroom
3. Had a dream in which everyone was wearing Hypercolor shirts
4. Had a fart that took at least 30 seconds to completely leave my ass
5. Found out that the lady who lives in my building, the old crazy one who smells like a garbage truck, is moving out this weekend
6. Obtained the preceeding information from my mail-man who looks just like Ludacris...I swear they could be brothers, not like "brothas"...I mean brothers
7. Won a $50 bet in which I had to talk like the guy from the Dyson commercials for an entire day
8. Thought about walking up to a complete stranger and saying, "Yo, why you been trippin lately son?...nah mean, cuz?"
9. Spent 4 hours at work "googlewhacking" (this is where you type in two random words in a google search, and try to find just one result) my only success was: western dumbwaitor
10. Considered bitting off my pinky just to leave work early

Fart Flavor of the Day: Sweaty hands that have been holding pennies all day, dipped in chocolate

Friday, September 16, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Norton discovered a virus on my computer named "Five Dollar, Sucky Sucky"
2. Realized the only way to get good use out of a stress ball is to throw one at somebody you don't like, as hard as you possibly can
3. Saw a co-worker log into Simple Plan's official fan club website...if you are asking yourself, what is so wrong with that....then please log off now
4. Learned the tough way that drinking 4 Jager-bombs on my lunch hour was not a wise move
5. Also learned the tough way that having Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff" as your ringtone is not cool
6. Walked in on a guy picking a booger in the restroom at Panera Bread
7. Let out a huge fart and said to the booger guy, "dude you're disgusting"
8. Continue to wonder how those ships get into those bottles
9. Filled out a new employee questionnaire at work...when asked "tell us something unique about yourself" I replied with "I once was the runner up in a Burt Reynolds look-a-like contest."
10. Found out that response, along with a long list of smart-ass/made-up answers got send out to the entire company

Fart Flavor of the Day: Scrambled Eggs with a side of Baby Diapers (not to be confused with a side of Adult Diapers)

Friday, September 09, 2005

Highlights of My Day

1. Stood behind a guy who either shit his pants, or didn't know his shirt was in the way when he was wiping off his ass
2. Discovered my newest fear: not knowing my shirt got in the way while wiping my ass at work
3. Saw a bum pretend there was an earthquake happening when a large woman walked past him, it was then that I realized; bums can be entertaining even when their not pissing in the middle of a busy street
4. Tried to order a fat-free thick burger at Carl's Junior (Hardees)
5. Nominated the next hurricane to be named hurricane "That Fucker"
6. Spent the rest of my afternoon watching CNN and replacing "Katrina" with "That Fucker"
-There's no telling how many people have been affected by That Fucker
-White House officials are being blamed for the choas That Fucker left behind
-Well as you can see Bob, That Fucker just came roaring right through this entire city
-One thing is for certain; That Fucker will cost the American tax payers billions
7. Was glad to see that hidden camera I installed in my room is being put to good use
8. Tried to find on job on using "pimp" as my keyword
9. Louie Anderson was spelled out in my bowl of Alphabet Soup
10. Robbed a gas station to pay for my gas